Too Young, Too Foolish, Too Needy

Whenever people tell me they’re getting hitched/married, my first question is, “How old are you?” My second question is, “How old is he/she?” If those two numbers are too disparate or their sum is less than “fifty” I groan, grunt, and generally make rude noises of disapproval.

When these people tell me, after years of torture, disappointment, and anguish in really bad marriages, that they know they married too young, and wish they would have spoken to someone like me all those years ago, I usually answer, “Yeah, but would you have listened to me when I said you were marrying too young?”

“No,” is the honest and typical response.

The mentality of a young person is generally largely unformed, too simplistic, coated with insecurities and ignorance, and steeped in fantasies and nonobjective thinking.

Young people, seventeen to almost twenty-five, are at a stage in their lives when they are just beginning to be adults and are just starting to develop a unique, autonomous self. It is a difficult time, emotionally challenging, and somewhat frightening. It is not unusual to find both young men and women hurrying into relationships to find instant adulthood, maturity, security, and stability.

So many of the regretful testimonials I receive from people admit that the main problem of their stupidity was the natural immaturity of youth.

It is natural to want to be loved, to want to have someone dear, to want to feel grown up and established, and to want to feel secure. When young people are virtually saturated with a media and social culture that glorifies attachments, they, in their innocence, want a piece of that action.

I have been sadly surprised by how many young men (and older, for that matter) have no sense of what it is to be a “man” anymore. I can’t tell you how much disdain I have heaped on young men who tell me they married before they have jobs, while they have debt, and with expectations of their wives working (dumping kids in day care or with relatives) so that they can have the luxuries with which they were brought up or believe they should have “now.”

Yes, there is such a thing “too young,” and it generally leads to a stupid mismatch specifically because it is a carnival game of shooting at the first target that comes across, or the one that titillates for all the wrong reasons.

I am always impressed when friends are open to admitting their weaknesses, because it is only in that assessment that you can begin to know where you have to work on yourself to build strength. “Talong,” one of my loyal readers, “I’m glad you have seen your weaknesses, accepted it, and working your way to find your purpose.”

As another friend, and reader, advises:

“I would advise young women to date men very close to their age, refuse to have a sexual relationship until after they are married, meet friends of the men they date, get to know the family, and establish trust before investing too many emotions into a relationship. Otherwise, what you allow yourself to fall into is a false sense of security.”

Wise words.