Jealousy

This topic was requested by a friend who wanted to know why people get jealous even if love is eminent in a relationship. I may not have the perfect answer, but since I decided to blog about it, it’s sure worth a try.

When we offer our soul, spirit, body, and life to another, we are quite vulnerable. It is a definite time for hypersensitivity with respect to any threat or loss of that love. We can minimize such a threat by being psychologically healthy, picking someone psychologically healthy, communicating in a generous way, and behaving in a loving manner in general. Short of that perfection, as we all are, there is wiggle room for worry.

It is one thing to overreact anytime our partner talks about exes, or talks to another person; it’s another thing to react appropriately to real challenges to our intimacy (such as private meetings and communications) which need attention. It’s yet another to react to the “past.”

I’ve had a friend telling me about feeling threatened when her spouse thought of going to a funeral of an ex. A funeral! Being jealous of the dead is too great a leap from reason for me. “If he loved me, he wouldn’t go, because it upsets me,” she would say.

Well, how about this: If you loved him, you’d support his mourning and supporting the loved ones who are grieving.

How sad it is to be jealous of the dead.

Typically, though, it is jealousy over past relationships. When our partner is in constant contact with past relationships, the word “past” no longer applies -- and there is a problem. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about a partner keeping old photos and letters in a “locked box, in a trunk, in the attic.” Probably, these questions sprung up because more folks are making, breaking, and moving on to multiple relationships, more so than ever before. And, with evidence of past loves, one worries about becoming another inclusion in that memory bin – with good reason.

Making someone you supposedly love “erase any evidence of a past” is a petty, annoying, and destructive behavior which alienates them from you – it doesn’t solidify your importance in their lives. Only you do that.

On the other hand, I am reminded of a friend who thought retaining pictures of an ex was healthy; so healthy, indeed, that he carried a sexy picture of his ex-girlfriend with him all the time – in spite of the fact that he had a new girlfriend. Now that’s worth being petty over!