Revenge: Petty, Petty, Petty!

Oh no, we’re not going to talk about murder or the serious wild-goose chase of revenge here. Just the “subtle-sometimes-ignored type” of revenge in relationships within friends, family and life partners.

Overall, being vindictive is horrible. An “eye-for-an-eye” or a “tooth-for-a-tooth” it is wrong. It is petty, and I say petty two more times. Being petty is a favorite way for some folks to get their anger out – anger with their partner or somebody or something else in life.

If your partner spends too much time playing games on the internet, x-box, or PS3 and not enough time taking care of household task, or not giving you the attention you need, do you become petty and overly sensitive to everything real fast? Is it good enough to drive you to bits and pieces and get a sledge hammer and beat the crap out of him/her? Or would you smash that wide screen tv for that matter?

Arguments will surface. Sometimes, arguments are better than silence. Once both recognize the source of the pettiness, then you’re able to solve the main issue and move on. Of course, it would be better to communicate about the main issue up front and avoid all that ruckus.

Revenge is not just about venting. It is also about tit for tat – a blow for a blow.

Women find it easy to be sensitive to just about anything when they are looking to bicker in a relationship. Specially for single women who may feel that their boyfriends have been spending a lot of time without them. These women become unhappy and even more insecure. So the next time she is with him, she hunts for something to complain about, thus leading to a petty argument, still avoiding the original problem. This makes her feel like she’s back in control. Not being honest with herself and not trusting his love for her – which leads her to see that she is simply protecting herself from being hurt.

The revenge motive doesn’t necessarily have to be precipitated by your current relationships with loved ones or friends. It is sadly not unusual for people to take out on their spouse or partner the hurtful rage from other, less safe places – like family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and bosses. One insecure single woman would say, “I hate my job,” but instead of doing something about it, she’ll be petty and “so I’ll pick on my boyfriend.”

There’s a similar experience with one of my friends who came to understand that destructive formula. She came to a conclusion (after a screaming match with her boyfriend) that she has put years of hurt and anger concerning wrongs done by family members years ago on him and created unrealistic expectations. She then resolved to do a few things… first, is to treat her boyfriend like she would treat a good friend, with the same respect. Second, is to take care of herself in a more constructive and compassionate way – and start forgetting those ancient (or archaic?) hurts.

This is a good news/bad news moment. The good news is that your dearly beloved is someone who will ideally love you warts and all – so you have the privilege of being open, vulnerable, truthful, and painfully real. The bad news is that sometimes we abuse that privilege to protect our image on the outside by not dealing with the people and the situations which put that burr in our shorts in the first place.