Love is NOT Enough

It drives me absolutely crazy when friends, describing the disgusting, horrendous, destructive, immoral, cruel, stupid, and downright evil behavior of a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend, ultimately pacify themselves with those four fateful words: “But I love him/her.” Yikes! A lot of single ladies out there describe their boyfriends as not giving them the ring, despite of being together more than a year. They think of moving on, but when they think of losing their man, they get very sad.

I’m now thinking here, “What in heaven’s name was he actually doing that gave her the impression that she was the love of his life?” And, I would want to know what in heaven’s name she thought love was?

Love is not about infatuation or lust as the basis of your attraction to someone, when you get to know the real person, you become more disillusioned than with the love that grows slowly. The love that grows when lust and infatuation are controlled, is the love that grows respect, awe, admiration, and trust, and is the love that lasts through all four seasons, and in some places -- two seasons.

There is no “love at first sight,” there is only sexual attraction and the romantic projections of our fantasies. There is no love where there is fear. There is no love where there is no emotional health or stability to communicate about emotional and practical issues. There is only desperate attachment. I get folks to recognize that their desperate attachments are cementing them into destructive relationships, and to get them to stop using “love” as their rationalization for tolerating what they shouldn’t, and to change what they should.

One has to be willing to grow into love -- not assume its existence through passion, and wise enough to realize that commonality in attitudes, goals, and morals is the “safe relationship” prophylactic that would truly make a difference in the quality of his/her life and relationship.

Here are some practical tips (or answers) about the “questions to ask while you’re dating”:

- If you do want to marry, learn to share control.

- You have to like, respect, even love yourself before you can share with someone else. Get over all your hurts before going into another relationship.

- Do not marry someone whose family hates you or whom your family hates. You marry the family too – and it’s hell.

- If you have to justify why you’re with that person, specially when there are red flags flying everywhere, he/she is not the one! You don’t love them. You love having someone around.

- Don’t sleep with the person before you marry. You CAN wait and it’s more rewarding.

- Wait until you are in your late twenties or early thirties to get married. Travel, work, do things in groups, and have fun. Then there is never the excuse, “I never experienced life,” or the blame, “You kept me back from the things I wanted to do.” Also, you learn more about yourself and about life if you take the time to grow up.

- Be able to support yourself and live by yourself for a while before you commit yourself for life to someone else. Then you know you’re not desperate.

- If you are divorced and have children, wait to get remarried after the children are grown up. Concentrate on the children. They want and need at least one of the parents committed to them.

Shout out: I want to thank Mike Olaya for the graphics. I'll be using his art from time to time. You're awesome Mike!