Are There Cures for Commitment Phobia?

Symptoms: Until now, the two of you have been inseparable, but suddenly, something is feeling a little off. You have noticed that he’s withdrawing (or she's withdrawing), or becoming critical. You’re pulling away, finding fault, fearing that you’ll become lost in your relationship, or feeling reluctant about getting too close.

Diagnosis: You’ve caught a case of commitment phobia – a kind of relationship flu.

Commitment requires us to enter into the give-and-take of adult relationships. Committed couples need to compromise, negotiate, and be more unselfish than most single people. The realization that you won’t always get your own way can leave you with cold feet – or in a cold sweat.

Why are we so scared? What makes us pull away from serious relationships when talk of living together, marriage, or even just becoming a committed couple comes up? A number of things, You – or your partner – may feel:

• Intimidated about being sexually faithful
• Wary about having to account to someone else for how you spend your time and money
• Reluctant to make sacrifices, large or small
• Nervous about giving your partner the level of attention you give yourself, or of giving him/her so much attention that you no longer attend to your own needs sufficiently
• Afraid of being known intimately by your partner (Will he/she see me in the bathroom? Will he find out what I’m really like?)

You or your prospective mate may also have been hurt by a romantic partner in the past and may feel scared about trusting again.

The following tips can help you or your significant other move out of commitment limbo, one way or another.

If you’ve caught commitment phobia: Practice assertive behavior. Say “no” when you mean “no.” ask for what you need, and discuss your feelings. Promise yourself that you won’t lose yourself in the relationship, but will still work on meeting your own needs. And discuss your fears with your partner. Remember, commitment is a change to build love and intimacy. It shouldn’t be a trap.

If your partner is commitment-phobic: Try talking to him about his/her feelings – and back off just a little. Specially with men, reassure him that you like him as a friend. By giving him a little space, he may feel that you really want to get to know him and aren’t simply intent on becoming engaged, married, or committed for the sake of settling down.

But why be with a person who is inflicted with commitment phobia? There are those who are available and ready to get hitched. There are those who appear like they’ve suffered from this dreaded disease but are realistically grounded with the truth that “no man is an island” and will stick with you no matter what or who you are.