Out of Weakness

Many of you have gotten into, and stayed in, relationships that you knew from day one were wrong. A feeling within you told you that this man or woman, though he or she had some good qualities, was someone you’d be better off without.

Why did you stay? Simple. You wanted to be happy. And this situation and person were available. You hoped it would work out, because if it did, you’d be happy. And, in between, the ugly parts, you think you are happy.

I have found it astonishing how hard people will work with the wrong person in order to be happy – when they are so willing to throw out the right person when times are difficult. Why does the former individual struggle when he or she shouldn’t, and the latter person not work at it when they should?

The answer, I think, is a paradox. In both cases, you say you want intimacy and happiness. But, in both cases you are avoiding real intimacy. In the first scenario, trying to make a round peg fit into a square opening ultimately doesn’t work. Trying to make a bad choice work doesn’t work. No happiness results, of course, but there is no real threat to one’s ego either. In other words, the reason you’re not “close” is the other person. You are now absolved and alleviated from the responsibility of personal responsibility and growth. Struggling to make things work with someone not psychologically available for intimacy is a noble struggle, giving you superiority and an external excuse for your problems.

In the second scenario, dumping the good partner for “happiness,” instead of working as hard as in the former situation, is yet another way of preserving ego: You are not happy because of your partner. If you stayed and worked harder, you’d have to face the fact that you are contributing to your own unhappiness and problems, with either/or behavior/attitude. That’s too uncomfortable, so bye-bye.

In neither situation do you have to change. That you are ultimately unhappy is your sacrifice to preserve your rickety sense of self.

Out of loneliness, one will settle for over a year until someone opens that person’s eyes. A friend will tell you how it was not so bad to be without a partner. So a break-up happens. And, as a good preacher once said, “Don’t try to look for the right one, BE the right one.” And that is what we all ought to do now.

That’s right! The match we make for ourselves is a reflection of ourselves. In other words, the more you complain about your partner, the more you telegraph your own weaknesses. For example, when you’re not happy because the other is “controlling” – it’s because you were willing to give up happiness to hide your weaknesses.

Abusing yourself, disrespecting yourself, allowing others to abuse and disrespect you, not living by deeper values, may make for some fun moments, even some satisfying moments, but you will not be happy in any more profound, long lasting sense.