Revenge: Petty, Petty, Petty!

Oh no, we’re not going to talk about murder or the serious wild-goose chase of revenge here. Just the “subtle-sometimes-ignored type” of revenge in relationships within friends, family and life partners.

Overall, being vindictive is horrible. An “eye-for-an-eye” or a “tooth-for-a-tooth” it is wrong. It is petty, and I say petty two more times. Being petty is a favorite way for some folks to get their anger out – anger with their partner or somebody or something else in life.

If your partner spends too much time playing games on the internet, x-box, or PS3 and not enough time taking care of household task, or not giving you the attention you need, do you become petty and overly sensitive to everything real fast? Is it good enough to drive you to bits and pieces and get a sledge hammer and beat the crap out of him/her? Or would you smash that wide screen tv for that matter?

Arguments will surface. Sometimes, arguments are better than silence. Once both recognize the source of the pettiness, then you’re able to solve the main issue and move on. Of course, it would be better to communicate about the main issue up front and avoid all that ruckus.

Revenge is not just about venting. It is also about tit for tat – a blow for a blow.

Women find it easy to be sensitive to just about anything when they are looking to bicker in a relationship. Specially for single women who may feel that their boyfriends have been spending a lot of time without them. These women become unhappy and even more insecure. So the next time she is with him, she hunts for something to complain about, thus leading to a petty argument, still avoiding the original problem. This makes her feel like she’s back in control. Not being honest with herself and not trusting his love for her – which leads her to see that she is simply protecting herself from being hurt.

The revenge motive doesn’t necessarily have to be precipitated by your current relationships with loved ones or friends. It is sadly not unusual for people to take out on their spouse or partner the hurtful rage from other, less safe places – like family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and bosses. One insecure single woman would say, “I hate my job,” but instead of doing something about it, she’ll be petty and “so I’ll pick on my boyfriend.”

There’s a similar experience with one of my friends who came to understand that destructive formula. She came to a conclusion (after a screaming match with her boyfriend) that she has put years of hurt and anger concerning wrongs done by family members years ago on him and created unrealistic expectations. She then resolved to do a few things… first, is to treat her boyfriend like she would treat a good friend, with the same respect. Second, is to take care of herself in a more constructive and compassionate way – and start forgetting those ancient (or archaic?) hurts.

This is a good news/bad news moment. The good news is that your dearly beloved is someone who will ideally love you warts and all – so you have the privilege of being open, vulnerable, truthful, and painfully real. The bad news is that sometimes we abuse that privilege to protect our image on the outside by not dealing with the people and the situations which put that burr in our shorts in the first place.

Cooking with Fire: What Makes Food Sexy?

Ask a woman who has been hand-fed plump, perfect, luscious strawberries if she believes in the aphrodisiac powers of food, and you’re likely to get an enthusiastic YES! But ask a scientist about aphrodisiacs, and she will probably roll her eyes.

Indeed, there’s no scientific proof that aphrodisiacs – substances purported to increase sexual desire – do any such thing. But over the course of history, food has always been linked with love. And virtually every food has at one time or another been considered an aphrodisiac. But certain foods, such as oysters, figs, chocolate, asparagus, and peppers, have long been reputed to send the sex drive into high gear.

Aphrodisiac foods heighten or awaken your senses. Take honey. The way it looks, the way it tastes, the way it feels on your tongue. It’s sticky. It’s drippy. It’s sexy.

Want to use food to woo the one you love? Here are some suggestions, but feel free to use your own creativity to enhance and guide you into blissful and explosive encounters.

Give a fig. Figs are a very sensual fruit; in fact, the ancient Greeks ate them at their orgies. You might just slice open a fresh fig, put it on a pretty plate and hand-feed it to your partner. The sensual aspects of the food do the seducing for you. It’s practically guaranteed to work.

Create the right setting. How you serve food is as important as what you serve. You can’t sit under fluorescent lighting, using paper plates, and expect an aphrodisiac to work. So dim the lights. Use beautiful linens and your best china and silverware. And eat in bed, if possible. And, if you drink, a nice wine helps things along.

Match the aphrodisiac to the moment. Love isn’t hot and sexy all the time. Sometimes love is comforting and sweet. Aphrodisiacs are the same way. A mug of hot chocolate can be an aphrodisiac; so can a plate of raw oysters. But both are potent, and both have their place.

Double up. Try to see how many aphrodisiacs you can sneak into one meal. For example, you might serve a generous helping of asparagus at dinner. Add fresh basil (a common, but little-known aphrodisiac) to a garden salad. And then serve fresh figs drizzled with honey for dessert.

Think beyond your stomach. Food with aphrodisiac powers don’t necessarily need to be eaten. In other works, think of other uses for honey and chocolate drippings.

Cook up something together. Preparing food is itself a seduction. Meals from the drive-up window, on the other hand, are not. Taking time to cook for or with someone say “I love you. I care about you. You’re worth my time.” And time is so precious, what bigger turn-on could there be?

When it comes to aphrodisiacs, folklore abounds. Yet some foods that have been used traditionally as aphrodisiacs are rich in substances the body needs to function at its sexual peek. Here comes the geeky food trivia section (or food facts?).

Asparagus: According to medieval lore, boiling and eating this light-green, slender stalk three days in a row will stir “bodily luste” in both men and women. Aside from the obvious phallic implications, practitioners of Chinese medicine consider asparagus a tonic for the kidneys. According to Chinese medicine, it is the kidneys that regulate the libido, suggesting that what is good for the kidneys is good for the bedroom.

Chocolate. The Aztec emperor Montezuma drank 50 glasses of honey-sweetened chocolate a day to sustain his virility. Chocolate is rich in the amino acid phenylalanine, which increases the brain’s level of the neuropeptide phenylethylamine (PEA), a natural amphetamine-like stimulant that may increase the urge to have sex.

Figs. The ancient Greeks and Romans ate them before every orgy. They contain magnesium, a mineral needed to produce sex hormones.

Honey. The word honeymoon was coined in ancient Europe, where newlyweds built up their sexual stamina with mead – honey wine – during the first month of their marriage. Honey provides the body with an easily digested and absorbed source of energy.

Oysters. These shellfish are rich in the mineral zinc, a key ingredient to testosterone production and, hence, sexual performance for both men and women. Zinc is also found in foods not frequently associated with aphrodisiacs such as legumes, pumpkin and sunflower seed, garlic and spinach.

There you have it folks. Married geeks and nerds, do a little experimenting with your spouse. However, I wouldn’t recommend this to single ladies and gentlemen. We don’t need unwanted pregnancies do we?

Bored Means Boring

It is amazing to hear from people who criticize their friend or partner as boring. Actually it means that all relationships can get boring. But it’s often not the usual suspect (the other person) that is the problem. The fact is that bored people are usually boring. They just blame it on others and circumstance.

That’s why people get so shocked and annoyed when I tell them that if they’re bored they better become more interesting rather than demand that of their partner or friends. It works, trust me.

What could unbore you? Uhm, let me see, oh yes – giving! Bored people don’t usually give. They are drawn to themselves and then become suckers of attention. Entertaining every inch of “me.”

When babies are born, they are the center of their own universe; even their mother’s breast is seen as an extension of themselves. It is a wonder and shock for them to discover that there are other people, with opinions, desires, demands, expectations, power, and personality. When we grow into adults we supposedly have learned to navigate in the world of “others” and to get along with people, using skills we’ve developed along the way.

Sometimes we get stuck in the “me” mode and forget there is a universe of others out there. Sometimes all we need is a little nudge as a reminder. Sometimes we need a big smack upside our heads.

Here are some expressions of that lesson learned:

• It’s not that you’re always wrong, it’s that I’m always right.
• We’re not fighting, you are!
• If we all do everything my way we’ll all be very happy.
• It’s my life, isn’t it?

It seems such a difficult task for so many to realize that happiness and love are not gotten by force of will, nor are they automatically granted simply because you show up. The greatest amount of getting is through giving. If you take care of the ones you love, even when you’re hurting or not in the mood or they’ve done something to annoy you, it not only shows love, it primes them to be more giving. Try giving a little bit of yourself today and see what happens. You might even discover that giving lots gets so much back.

Love Shouldn't Hurt

How can you say you love and care for someone when you bring that person pain, uncertainty, embarrassment, anxiety, and insult? Wait – I know the answer to that one – you don’t love them! Justifying actions that clearly hurt and demoralize your partner (or friend) is self-serving, not loving, and is psychologically abusive. Here’s a tip: If your actions hurt the one you love, they are the wrong actions. Period.

Love is an action based on the conviction of commitment, not on the ebb and flow of emotion. The emotion of feeling overwhelmingly drawn to someone, sexually turned on to them, or fuzzy all over when they walk into a room or the thought of them comes to mind, is intermittent, fragile, and too easily pushed aside by such other competing emotions as boredom, depression, health issues, financial circumstances, familiarity, annoyances, and so forth. It is the sense of obligation due to the seriousness of the commitment that provides the impetus for appropriate behavior in spite of momentary glitches in “that loving feeling.”

And, most importantly, it is the “behaviors” of loving that help stimulate and perpetuate those “loving feelings.” That’s right! Your behaviors largely determine your feelings. If you require proof of that, remember all those times when you felt down, but spiffed up your dress, stiffened up your lip, and marched into the fray – the very act of behaving undepressed and confident put you in the position to reinforce those healthier feelings. The same works for intimacy; behaving in a loving way taps into those stored-away positive feelings for your partner and generates positive reactions from his or her feedback which makes you feel even better and closer.

So, why hate when you can love?

Here are the choices: Stay and suffer, stay and go crazy, stay and pray, stay and demand things to change, stay and take the risks, or leave.

Are There Cures for Commitment Phobia?

Symptoms: Until now, the two of you have been inseparable, but suddenly, something is feeling a little off. You have noticed that he’s withdrawing (or she's withdrawing), or becoming critical. You’re pulling away, finding fault, fearing that you’ll become lost in your relationship, or feeling reluctant about getting too close.

Diagnosis: You’ve caught a case of commitment phobia – a kind of relationship flu.

Commitment requires us to enter into the give-and-take of adult relationships. Committed couples need to compromise, negotiate, and be more unselfish than most single people. The realization that you won’t always get your own way can leave you with cold feet – or in a cold sweat.

Why are we so scared? What makes us pull away from serious relationships when talk of living together, marriage, or even just becoming a committed couple comes up? A number of things, You – or your partner – may feel:

• Intimidated about being sexually faithful
• Wary about having to account to someone else for how you spend your time and money
• Reluctant to make sacrifices, large or small
• Nervous about giving your partner the level of attention you give yourself, or of giving him/her so much attention that you no longer attend to your own needs sufficiently
• Afraid of being known intimately by your partner (Will he/she see me in the bathroom? Will he find out what I’m really like?)

You or your prospective mate may also have been hurt by a romantic partner in the past and may feel scared about trusting again.

The following tips can help you or your significant other move out of commitment limbo, one way or another.

If you’ve caught commitment phobia: Practice assertive behavior. Say “no” when you mean “no.” ask for what you need, and discuss your feelings. Promise yourself that you won’t lose yourself in the relationship, but will still work on meeting your own needs. And discuss your fears with your partner. Remember, commitment is a change to build love and intimacy. It shouldn’t be a trap.

If your partner is commitment-phobic: Try talking to him about his/her feelings – and back off just a little. Specially with men, reassure him that you like him as a friend. By giving him a little space, he may feel that you really want to get to know him and aren’t simply intent on becoming engaged, married, or committed for the sake of settling down.

But why be with a person who is inflicted with commitment phobia? There are those who are available and ready to get hitched. There are those who appear like they’ve suffered from this dreaded disease but are realistically grounded with the truth that “no man is an island” and will stick with you no matter what or who you are.

Movie and a Dinner 2

@ the movies: INCEPTION

Dreams. Death. Idea. Past. Memories. Journey. Concept. Surreal. Puzzle. Architect. Illusions. Forgiveness. Reality. Secrets. Passion. Dimension. Tricks. Allusions. Games. Leonardo Di Caprio. Christopher Nolan.

These words make up a mind-boggling, awesomely-gratifying experience for $15 at the IMAX Theaters. Expect explosives, fight scenes and gadgetry. Expect to be perplexed. Expect to want to watch it again, at least twice in your lifetime.

This movie takes place in the mind – or rather, in several minds at once, as the heroes pursue their prize through dreams within dreams. In fact, by the climax, the action is occurring in at least four separate and simultaneous realities.

I totally recommend this movie. You must be willing to forget your experience with the Matrix Trilogy (Keanu Reeves) and avoid comparing these two.

Kudos to the writer! Such “concept” about dreams has been missed at least in my lifetime. I envy my friends who can retell their dreams. Interpreting these dreams are fun to talk about too. Unfortunately, with me, dreams are forgotten the moment I open my eyes.

@ HONDA-YA Japanese Restaurant

What could best conclude my evening but a hot cup of tea and enjoying some crunchy, mouth-jostling dish – Ebi Tempura. Then put a bowl of edamame, pickled cucumber and grilled Yellowtail in the mix and you have a satisfying post-dinner experience.

My friends and I were impressed with the restaurant’s “new look.” Honda-ya is located in an odd spot off Railroad St. and Azusa Ave. in the middle of an industrial/business area in the City of Industry (SoCal). It is open from 8:00 until 12:30 midnight. I was impressed with how much it changed, from being Izakaya Buffet to Korean BBQ and now an authentic Japanese Restaurant with real Japanese folks dining and drinking, real Japanese sushi chef (and not Mexican) and the surprise – a Tatami room! I was tempted to take off my shoes, sit on the floor and ask our waiter to move us to the Tatami but my two friends stopped me and said, “Let’s do that next time.”

Overall experience is excellent. With two wonderful friends with me, what could ever go wrong?

Cyber Dating

Welcome to dating’s new frontier – the world’s biggest singles’ party, a seven-days-a-week, 24–hours-a-day chatfest that just might replace blind dates, singles’ bars, and the gym as the prime place to flirt, date, and sometimes, even discover love.

Power up your computer, log on to the Internet, and suddenly, you’ll find yourself in a world where the men outnumbered the women by more than two to one. Enter a chatroom or place an online personal ad, and you may encounter dozens of men eager to make your acquaintance. Problem is, they’re all total strangers – and possibly dangerous. As in the real world, the world of cyber-dating has its share of geeks, Don Juans, jerks, and nerds – and even the occasional stalker!

In addition, online romance has its own puzzles: You can’t easily tell, for example, whether the person typing those torrid love notes is the single, well-built, curly-haired professional guy he says he is.

So, if you’re considering this route, or perhaps you’re in it already, proceed very cautiously, or not at all. Statistically, the odds of really connecting with a suitable person online are only slightly better than “if you’re just out meeting people in public.” You have a slight edge because you can meet a lot of men/women online, find those you like, and then become friends before you meet in person.

What’s the world of cyber-dating like?

It is like a masked ball, where we can hide our true identities, take on new personalities, and act in new ways because conventional social rules are suspended. The result? A freewheeling, anything-goes atmosphere that can be liberating, yet confusing. It’s a place where we can make new connections, yet could hide dangers.

Thanks to online anonymity, a person can develop intense relationships. People who’ve had positive experiences with Internet relationships say that it’s great getting to know someone from the inside and out, through a true soul-to-soul meeting. But if both people haven’t been completely honest, or if you discover that there’s more to this person that you really don’t like, it can be wrenching or even dangerous.

Emotional relationships can form quickly via chatting or email because real-world clues can’t intrude. Is he lazy? Ambitious? Rude? Sensitive? A genuinely nice guy? A con artist? You may never find out for certain until you meet in person. As a result, you’re free to form a fantasy and then have an emotional connection to that fantasy person. This freedom is one of the best aspects of, and the biggest problems with, Internet relationships. Online, you can create and re-create yourself – no one has preconceived notions based on your voice, your appearance, your age, or your gender. ASL anyone? ASL stands for age –sex-location. LOL on that!

So, be prepared.

Remember, you are perfectly within your rights to end any chat or email conversation that gets too awkward, too fast – or to tell your cyber acquaintance the he better slow down. Don’t move into a serious relationship if you don’t feel ready. And don’t do anything that you won’t feel good about later on.

Ok here’s a twofer! You already read the blog, now please enjoy this video. Let’s fast forward into how it could look like when two cyber lovers meet for the first time, which in IRC (Internet Relay Chat) terms is called EB (eye balling).

Too Young, Too Foolish, Too Needy

Whenever people tell me they’re getting hitched/married, my first question is, “How old are you?” My second question is, “How old is he/she?” If those two numbers are too disparate or their sum is less than “fifty” I groan, grunt, and generally make rude noises of disapproval.

When these people tell me, after years of torture, disappointment, and anguish in really bad marriages, that they know they married too young, and wish they would have spoken to someone like me all those years ago, I usually answer, “Yeah, but would you have listened to me when I said you were marrying too young?”

“No,” is the honest and typical response.

The mentality of a young person is generally largely unformed, too simplistic, coated with insecurities and ignorance, and steeped in fantasies and nonobjective thinking.

Young people, seventeen to almost twenty-five, are at a stage in their lives when they are just beginning to be adults and are just starting to develop a unique, autonomous self. It is a difficult time, emotionally challenging, and somewhat frightening. It is not unusual to find both young men and women hurrying into relationships to find instant adulthood, maturity, security, and stability.

So many of the regretful testimonials I receive from people admit that the main problem of their stupidity was the natural immaturity of youth.

It is natural to want to be loved, to want to have someone dear, to want to feel grown up and established, and to want to feel secure. When young people are virtually saturated with a media and social culture that glorifies attachments, they, in their innocence, want a piece of that action.

I have been sadly surprised by how many young men (and older, for that matter) have no sense of what it is to be a “man” anymore. I can’t tell you how much disdain I have heaped on young men who tell me they married before they have jobs, while they have debt, and with expectations of their wives working (dumping kids in day care or with relatives) so that they can have the luxuries with which they were brought up or believe they should have “now.”

Yes, there is such a thing “too young,” and it generally leads to a stupid mismatch specifically because it is a carnival game of shooting at the first target that comes across, or the one that titillates for all the wrong reasons.

I am always impressed when friends are open to admitting their weaknesses, because it is only in that assessment that you can begin to know where you have to work on yourself to build strength. “Talong,” one of my loyal readers, “I’m glad you have seen your weaknesses, accepted it, and working your way to find your purpose.”

As another friend, and reader, advises:

“I would advise young women to date men very close to their age, refuse to have a sexual relationship until after they are married, meet friends of the men they date, get to know the family, and establish trust before investing too many emotions into a relationship. Otherwise, what you allow yourself to fall into is a false sense of security.”

Wise words.

Wounded Heart of a Woman

As a result of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part of us, is marred. Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up – not to the world’s standards, the church’s standards, or our own.

Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what he thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken, and beyond repair.

Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are a dominating kind of woman, we offer our “expertise.” We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected.

Shame makes us feel very uncomfortable with our beauty. Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don’t have any beauty or if we do, that it’s dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.

Over the years we’ve come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them.

Words were said, painful words. Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us "shifted." We embraced the messages of our wounds. We accepted a twisted view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. We adopted strategies to protect ourselves from being hurt again. A woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart is a woman who is living a self-protective life. She may not be aware of it, but it is true. It’s our way of tying to “save ourselves.”

We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for. The ache is there. Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there. So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service. All this adds up to the women we are today. Much of what we call our “personalities” is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.

The problem? Our plan has nothing to do with God.

The wounds we received, and the messages they brought, formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women. From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. Clearly, we think, He’s holding out on us. So we’ll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We’ll have to find a way to fill it. A way that does not require vulnerability.

In some ways, this is every girl’s story, here in this world east of Eden.

But the wounds don’t stop once we are grown up. Some of the most crippling and destructive wounds we receive come much later in our lives. The wounds that we have received over our lifetimes have not come to us in a vacuum. There is, in fact, a theme to them, a pattern. The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose.

Find that purpose.

Work Is NOT Everything - Is It The Only Thing?

Too many folks get their primary sense of value and connectedness from their “work” instead of apportioning it between their work, their marriage, their children, their friends, their family, their community, and their inner spiritual life. If “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” then all work and no family and marital bonding makes Jack or Jill have a life without texture, beauty, meaning, and purposefulness.

It is interesting to me how many people out there have this stupid priority. This Stupid Priority brings folks learn “the hard way.” Ok Ms. Perfect, where is that balance? And what priorities are essential for a quality, happy, and successful life? We can’t be wishing disasters on folks in hopes that they wake up and save their relationships with their spouses, children, parents or special someone.

So, why be a workaholic?

Sometimes it’s not simply that folks are totally selfish or insensitive of the needs of others; there are strong pulls, like the tide, which draw us along – much too far – before we start paying attention. What always surprises me is how easy it seems to be for us to “get with that flow.” In addition to neglecting others, that we don’t even feel a need for that intimacy ourselves. I often wonder why we don’t miss it more, and how it really is possible to feel warmed only by success or power or money.

One day, we will all feel empty, even with all that success. Then what is left of us?

Well, I guess God will have to get very direct to wake us up.

Pick Me Up

One boring night, something got my attention. A Japanese-modern-day-Charlie Chaplin?

"Funny" I thought, but this video got me a bit perplexed.

Ken Suzuki is a stand-up comedian who claims he is a racist. I watched two of his videos and really cracked up. I needed to pause and rewind some parts because I could not understand what he's saying sometimes. He's got that geeky Japanese accent. It's forgivable. We all have our silly accents anyway.

I'd love to see his live shows someday. But I don't really know where he currently lives. I just heard he was in Miami, Florida and stayed in Los Angeles, California for a while.

Here's a short video he did for TokyoGaki Productions about four months ago. So I guess he's back in Japan?

I hope you like this video, if not, just pretend you like it and laugh a little.

I apologize for the poor uploading of this video on my blog site. That's a bit annoying, when you see a silhouette of archives on the right side. Just ignore it please because I don't know how to get it fixed.

Welcome To Fantasy Land

What must you be thinking when you put a fantasy aside your reality and believe that the fantasy will have more depth, longevity, satisfaction, respect, promise, and meaning? The answer is that you don’t think – you just imagine!

One of the newest and most destructive forces in relationships (even marriages) today is the Internet. Cyber-affairs are costing too many children and innocent spouses the warmth and comfort of an intact home. Both men and women are carrying on in chatrooms and develop “feelings” sufficient to propel them out of their homes and families to be with someone they “know will be everything that’s missing in their lives.” Everything, of course, other than a brain!

I mean, really, how insensitive and cruel can one be to someone he/she once thought he/she couldn’t live without? Are they bored? And why is anyone bored? The answer is, only because he or she is boring. Bored people rarely think of anything or anyone besides themselves and being entertained, thrilled, titillated, excited, distracted, or being the center of attention.

Ouch!

When friends tell me that they’re bored in their lives, or bored in their marriages/relationships, I jump on them to admit that they don’t do anything to add to the well-being of themselves or their family – they just want to feel a certain feeling and, in that laziness, think that there is just some other guy or gal who’ll just make it happen. Good luck!

Otaku Otaku Where Art Thou?

Ok, you Final Fantasy lovers out there, here’s a treat for you! Well, the first time I heard this song, “Kiss Me Goodbye” I thought it was sad. Goodbye? Oh no! I’m the happily-ever-after freak and I can’t handle goodbyes. But I listened to it again and it was a message of hope. A very close friend of mine, who’s a FF gamer and otaku explained to me that “the princess and Penelo were writing their letters and this song was in the background.” Hmmm and? “It was about parting ways but still staying together.” All a sudden, my bipolar tendencies switched to happy.

I found another version on youtube with some footage of the FF game, but I still chose this particular video because it’s got live audience. Lovely! The first thing I noticed was Angela on the piano, wearing eyeglasses, clad in jeans and sneakers, and surrounded with string instruments – a full orchestra! So this made me search in the internet and wikipedia says Angela Aki was “born on September 15, 1977, a singer-songwriter and pianist from Itano, Tokushima, Japan.” She’s 33 years old! Whew! I’m impressed how she could keep herself so beautiful and inspiring. And glasses? Whooo, I could relate! So why didn’t I hear about her before? Yes, you guessed it right, I’m not a gamer! I just thought of sharing my moment of bliss to all my otaku friends. This song reminded me of all the past goodbyes that ended wonderfully with a miracle of hope.

Wait a second, did I say OTAKU? Some of you haven’t heard of this, and if you did, you didn’t know what it means. Yeah, this word has been abused and used by guilty non-otakus when they want to make a fast move on girls because some young-hearted women love otaku-geeks. No wonder these women are in Comic Cons (which, by the way, a little plugging here -- Comic Con in San Diego, California is coming up soon! July 22 - 25) The real definition of an otaku is – "an avid collector or an enthusiast, specially one who is obsessed in anime, video games, or computer and who rarely leaves home." If dictionary.com is right, then fifty percent of my friends are otakus?

Anyway, I do love true-otakus, and this video is for all of you out there.

Marriage

At best, marriage is now seen as a fragile promise. The young people I talk to are afraid of “commitment” because they have seen so little of it from their parents and peers. How can we expect young people to give their hearts and be willing to trust and love, when their own lives have been traumatized, sometimes by multiple losses of family cohesion and stability as their parents marry, divorce, shack-up, move-on, again and again?

Consequently, these frightened but lonely, needy, and somewhat hopeful young adults are shacking-up. Contrary to their hope of finding the right one through this trial period, the statistics show elevated depression and anxiety, infidelity, violence, and a greater rate of breakup inside or out of a marital relationship. Unfortunately, too many children are born into these even more fragile relationships, only to suffer the loss and hurt along with their parents.

In the past, friends who were contemplating divorce, did so out of great angst; alcoholism, abuse, affairs, were the triggers. Nowadays, divorces seem more and more to come out of a sense of entitlement for perpetual glee and satisfaction on all grounds.

The most surprising trend is looking at marriage as barely a “home base” for one’s individual endeavors. What do I mean by this? Your guess is as good as mine.

Some people make it clear that marriage will not stand in the way of their personal endeavors. A husband out there wonders if it would be okay to place their several-month-old child with their in-laws for a year and half or two so that they could get on developing their careers. What the??

Marriage used to be about folks finally learning that the greatest value in life is to be a part of something greater than yourself: family and children. Marriage today is about having some company, for as long as you like it, while you get on with your life. Hmmpft! Pure egotism.

Virginity: Private or Secret?

Considering the impact of the sexual revolution in the 60s and the impact of condoms being handed out in public school classrooms in the 90s, there wouldn’t seem to be much necessity to discuss virginity. Happily, there is, since it’s making a comeback as a virtue and as a protection against unwanted pregnancies, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases, low self-esteem brought on by meaningless intimacies, and an ultimately empty feeling.

And you thought sex was the ultimate in intimacy. Huh?

Here is the important point. What do you tell? How many? What positions? This is where people get into trouble. Clarifying where you’ve been in your thinking and being is a way of getting “close.” Giving details is what you do when you’re selling your story to some disgusting tabloid newspaper sold in grocery stores.

Women, do you really have to tell your husband the truth about how many sexual partners you had before you met? Should you now tell your boyfriend that you’re not a virgin or still a virgin?

Men, do you really have to know? Are numbers really important to you?

Okay, here’s the answer. He needs to know everything from “your younger years” up to “present.” That is what will tell him about you. That’s what he really needs to know: that you were lost and suffering and used sexuality to try to be found and achieve peace. You’ve grown from that into the wonderful woman you are. If you are now a woman of God, all the way better! This is what’s valuable about your story for him. This is what should not be a secret. The number of guys is private – keep it that way. It doesn’t add to the story, it takes away from it.