Thoughts About Marriage: Diary of Eve Series

Dear Diary,

Things are pretty quiet around the house at the moment -- mostly because Adam and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. We had a big argument last night. I should've seen it coming. The day got off to a rough start. He had been up all night helping a cow give birth. Then he had to leave before breakfast to get the rest of the hay stored.

When he finally got home, he was hot and sweaty, exhausted, and not in the greatest mood. I had been cooped up in the house all day with two sick kids, and when he asked why dinner wasn't ready, I suggested that if he wanted dinner maybe he'd better fix it himself. I don't know why I chose that moment to remind him of several chores I wished he would take care of -- including clearing out the path in front of the house; it looks like a jungle with all the weeds.

One thing led to another -- he had told Abel he could go on a special hunting trip with him next week. I feel he's too young, and besides, I don't think he should take Abel and leave Cain behind. He wouldn't back down, and things got pretty tight. We both said a lot of things we probably shouldn't have said. I went to bed early and pretended I was asleep when he came in.

You'd think after all these years together we ought to have this marriage thing down. Funny thing is, for the most part, I think Adam would say our marriage is doing fine. But sometimes I feel like we're total strangers -- even though we've known each other all our lives. He always thinks he's right about everything. When I ask him to try and see things from my point of view, he says nothing will make me happy. I just wish he would be more sensitive to my feelings.

Moving Forward, Pressing On!

This morning I talked to myself… “Hmm, you may have come a long way, baby, in reaching your romantic goals or letting go of the past.”

Now I could receive further gifts in my spiritual life, love life, personal life, family life, career, and relationships. Perhaps some family planning or a positive change in my relationship that can expand my horizons is in the works? Let me get ready then – ready for exciting and creative plans for the future. Only the POSITIVE stays, never mind the problems, for it is not good to admire negativity. Why worry? As my husband reminds me consistently, “worry does not carry out anything good, nor does it promise any solution.” Yeah, he’s so right about this.

Looking forward, this may be the real deal! I could finally feel complete (as if I never was? LOL!) – but it’s only the beginning… “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (New Living Translation, 2007, Romans 8:28).

Perhaps God's Spirit woke me up this morning to tell me this amazing scripture. Yeah!

People Need to Work Harder at Marriage

One of the reasons I keep reminding people that “love is not enough” for a quality marriage is that emotions are labile, vulnerable, situational, unpredictable, and without an IQ. Commitment and respect for vows, promises, obligations, and tradition are much more worthy and predictable building blocks for a good relationship. You may get your “jollies” fantasizing about some movie star or neighbor, but nothing fills your heart with deeper affection (and perhaps passion) than watching the tenderness of your spouse with the children, having your spouse be compassionate and non-combative when you’re in a mood, or having your spouse be solicitous when you feel (and look) like garbage.

If you really think there is anyone who can sustain a happy, fulfilled state all the time, you’re wrong. You’re also wrong if you think there is some one person out there with whom you certainly would sustain a perpetual happy, fulfilled state. You’re also wrong if you think that the best of relationships don’t go through stages, and phases, and problems.

A stupid breakup occurred from my first marriage. I was “unhappy.” I’ve been used, physically and emotionally battered and despite my willingness to stay in that marriage, I was divorced because he wasn’t done "leeching" and womanizing. I encountered a good reminder on the web one day. “The Five Stages of Marriage” and they were: “Stage 1: Falling in love. Stage 2: Discovering the foibles, faults, etc. Stage 3: Deciding what to do about this new knowledge. Stage 4: (If you reach it) The hard work involved in getting through the realities of Stage 2. Stage 5: The glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.”

A light went on! Now I know that when the going got tough, I got going. WOW! What a revelation. The stupidity comes in when I consider the harm to my children and the pain I caused my ex-spouse. If I had known that relationships go through these stages, I think I would have been able to work through the problems. I’m back on the marriage train tracks again, so to speak, but I have become wiser and more patient in understanding what makes a marriage work. Alas, I know better how to keep my husband and children in check. I finally see the big picture. It's not about me, not about my spouse or children, but it's about having a solid relationship with God throughout the marriage.

I believe that millions of people would be able to work through their problems if they had that knowledge and support from their families, friends, and society at large. I will post an intriguing statement here for you to ponder: “Those who are married are happier, healthier, and wealthier.” Go figure.

In most cases, couples don’t try hard enough to stay together. They don’t talk about problems, try to identify the issues, or work them out. And they don’t take the time to remember what made them fall in love with each other.

I believe that most divorces are caused by materialism. In a way, our society is becoming corrupted by materialism. There is competition about having the best car, the biggest house, the nicest clothes – but no one seems to care about having the closest family, the most dinners together as a family, and ongoing friendships with family members. Though divorce has been used as the easy way out of the challenges of marriage and family, the three A’s – addiction, adultery, and abuse – justify divorce as a valid consideration. Quite honestly, I'm done putting up with these three A's and I thought of them as dragons to slay on a day to day basis. Finally, after battling out the quagmire of painful reality, I put these dragons to rest in peace!

A preponderance of divorced women are disgusted with what they put their children through. I’m not an exception to this demographic. I believe that parents should think more about their children than themselves and the world would be a better place. That means making your marriage work – and it does take work! When there are terrible problems, like the three A’s, it becomes a major challenge to consider whether or not to stay. When there is repentance (responsibility taken, true remorse, behaviors to repair and not repeat), there is hope. When there is no repentance, the hope is just postponed disappointment.

I think that people give up too easily on marriage when love, understanding, and forgiveness can help your partner remember what it was that caused them to commit to you in the first place. Giving up on a marriage without attempting to prove your love and worth is a stupid reason for a breakup. Each one must write "NO DIVORCE" on God's Solid Tablet and continue to live a life of truth, happiness and love.

How to Cook a Husband

- from the "Moravian Cook Book" in Society of the Moravian Church, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 1910. Public Domain.

A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement. Some women keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words. Others roast them; some keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good, managed in this way, but they are really delicious when properly treated.

In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure and select him yourself, as tastes differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you know how to cook him. A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.

See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them alive. Make a clear steady fire out of love, neatness, and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this till they are quite done.

Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgement. Do not stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie too flat and too close to the kettle, and so becomes useless. You cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated, you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will keep as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.

There is Only Me!

Some of what makes people self-centered in relationships has to do with immaturity, lack of experience, poor role models, personality styles, habit, self-protection, and some combination of the above.

Being on my own for so long, I got very used to taking care of myself and if I was hurt or in any type of bind, no one else had to know about it and it really just wasn’t their business anyway. When I became engaged five years ago, this affected our relationship greatly because it took me a while to realize that I can’t become one with someone and still behave like the Lone Ranger. I had to share my thoughts, what I had, and very personal information. That wasn’t easy, but I have to thank God for a patient and tolerant man who is now my husband. He taught me a lot and helped me realize he was there to help, not hurt me, and I didn’t have to do everything on my own.

As many people who might have gone through decent therapy have learned, it is not unusual for them who have suffered to take it out on their spouses – a kind of “I suffered at the hand of another so now you owe me!” mentality.

Some folks grew up in a sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive homes. Most of the students I teach everyday have a rough home life. They, too, will become adults someday. While it is not unusual for people hurt as children to react in such a chaotic way, pushing away values and good people and good experiences out of unresolved historical anger, a fear of hurt or loss, or a discomfort with normalcy after so much chaos, the solution always is love, bonding, commitment, purpose. The solution always is getting back on the soul train someone threw you off.

That “pain” isn’t always from childhood, although those experiences do have an impact on how you handle challenges along the way. Some people have had terrible experiences, which they generalize to all relationships.

A friend of mine puts “pain” in this tune…

“I find that people find it easy to see the demons in others because they have not faced the demons within themselves.... it is easy to be judgmental and righteous because people think they are perfect.... it takes a lot of courage and humility to face our own demons and declare to the world that we have sinned...after we have done this, it takes character and faith to strive to be a better person... let's all stop pretending that there is someone in this world who have not sinned...I prefer to learn from my experiences, forgive others and forgive myself and strive to be the best I can be... we all learn from pain, from our experiences and from others as well, and yes I also choose to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned with others....”

I call this a case of “self-protectiveness” and oboy it is something real and happening in many people’s lives.

Self protectiveness is alienating and lonely. Somehow, the person has chosen risk over safety, and without risk there is no gain, and without gain there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no peace and safety that comes from being known and loved.

ASSumption vs. Communication

Some people are just too sensitive. Listen, I’m not sniffing my nose at sensitivity. Without it we all become concerned only with ourselves. It is sensitivity that tunes us in to others. When that sensitivity is turned on maximum, we sometimes become concerned only with ourselves. The surefire way to modulate that necessary sensitivity is through communication.

I still am ferociously amazed at how willing so many folks are to react, condemn, and annihilate, and how many of those same folks are absolutely struck dumb when it is suggested they actually check to make sure their reactions are warranted. “Don’t shoot ‘til you see the whites of their eyes,” could be translated into “Don’t shoot ‘til you hear it from their lips.”

One of the most significant dimensions of being an adult is to recognize that the world does not rotate around you or me or any one person as an axis. We are all on the spinning globe together. Everyone else has a life. Communication is the only means we have of bridging that natural gap. Without communication we only have assumptions. And you know what assumptions usually make of us? Check out the first three letters of the word assumption for the answer.

It is sad that miscommunication exists as a problem. It is ugly if there’s no direct communication at all. It is uglier and a serious problem when one person expects the other to mind-read and gets angry when he or she doesn’t even “know” the real deal.

Communication is the most important key to just about every interpersonal problem. Perception, that is, how a person uniquely sees and interprets an event or comment, can make or break a relationship or friendship. Perception is the twin of Assumption. Their powers are destructive.

Not all communication is done the “right way.” And not everything that comes out of your mouth, under the supposed banner of communication, ought to come out.

Here lies an important point: What are the limits of communication? The limit is when you get abusive, hurtful, nasty, sarcastic, cutting, threatening, and… well…you know from the experience of being on the receiving and giving end how that can go.

You need instead to communicate with information, praise, helpfulness, coming from a place of love, not from a place of selfishness or pettiness.

And while open, honest, and sensitive communication is a necessary antidote to building a mountain of resentments from a molehill of petty complaints, sometimes the river of frustration can’t be permanently dammed up.

There is an opportune time in one’s life to seek intervention. When our personality and behavior is destructive and repetitive, it is time for us to take some responsibility; not just because we’re driving someone else crazy, but because who needs to live each day with that constant trickle of paranoia? In fact, we have an obligation to bring our best selves to our relationships or friendships – that may require a diet, spiritual guidance, more baths, and psychotherapeutic treatment.

My psychological and counseling service is free to anyone who reads this blog.

Come and talk to me.

Communicate!

I Need to Be Needed

Making an identity, building an ego, feeling important through “rescuing others” makes those rescued your means to an end other than their welfare. It is more likely to be your doom when you’re just “trying to help.” I realized this today and a big sigh on that one. I needed “them” to improve myself because that is how I am measuring my own worth. Some people become workaholics to serve that inner god, others find broken friends and try to fix them. I belong to the latter’s demographics.

I lost two friends recently. Calling them "friends" was somewhat a big deal for me. But I thought to myself, if they were really true friends to begin with, I wouldn’t have lost them today.

Apparently, in my eyes, these two people just turn over their lives to whoever wants a piece because they interpret that behavior as that which will bring love and avoid all negative judgment or confrontation.

I have been friends with one of them for over a year. My mental imprint of her is -- she has a bad habit of letting people walk all over her – specially men! I attempted to talk to her about this, but she never would listen to my point of view. She even denounced me as her “life coach” and pretended to have full control of her actions, specially when they were positive and good. I have put up with this behavior once, but there is always a reason why we should forgive and forget. Now, she did it again! Sh**ting all over me, as if I was never a good person for her. Her behavior has started to make me feel worthless.

At first, it would seem that this person has a very weak personality. How sad. However, that is not the true story. This type of behavior is more self-serving than self-sacrificing. This type of behavior is generally about building a reputation through the flimsiest of means. This is sad because she cared about her reputation rather than her character.

Now allow me to look at the mirror for a second and have a dialogue with myself.

This is a point I’ve tried to drill myself many times: Your attempts to feel wonderful and important by having no boundaries or standards is self-serving and damaging. By the way, not holding people accountable for their actions doesn’t really help them. Repetitively saving their undeserving butt doesn’t mature them – but it does make you feel superior. And even reflex forgiveness at its worst does not suggest reissuing a “use me” proclamation – so don’t’ go touting forgiveness as your excuse. Please do note that along this route of self-congratulation, you willingly sacrifice the well-being and affection of those who really ought to count on you for support and protection. You are all too willing to sacrifice them for the “audience” in your mind, the folks at enough of a distance see you as a hero.

Oh yes, I was talking to myself back there. I should know better this time. As of today, I’m no longer in the business of fixing broken friends. God will fix their lives.

I Don't Want to Grow Up!

Sometimes people don’t really want to grow up. Some of those people still get married – and some of those people have babies. All of those people hurt the ones they’ve vowed to protect.

The “I don’t wanna grow up” types believe that being married and having children should in no way curtail fun times.

Sometimes it’s their hobbies. Is playing Star Craft II for three consecutive days (non-stop) healthy?

Or, it’s hanging with the buddies. Is binge drinking okay during the work week?

These immature types choose their own immediate gratification over their obligations and well-being of their (supposed) loved ones.

It is very difficult to reach these folks. I remember a guy saying that his 27-year old girlfriend does not want to go out. She seems depressed for not having a job and for being away from him. She is waiting for him to marry her but her guy doesn’t have a job either. He is 31. Go figure!

The bottom line is that these types do not live to give anything, hence they make bad spouses and parents – and they show their spots when you’re dating. Yes, the signs were there when dating and these folks choose to ignore them. Some of you wish to be blind because “you’re in love” or you’re desperate, or you think it’ll change, or it seemed cute at that time.

Here’s another story from a young woman who ought to jump ship. She says that her boyfriend has a low-paying full time job. He doesn’t save his money because he wants to buy all of these new fool stuff. He has a car that runs pretty good and he has no ambition to move out and be independent of his parents. On the other hand, this young woman, have been on her own for five years and have a newer car, a decent job, and makes the same amount of money he does. This guy wants a brand-new-car and he can’t afford it. He doesn’t want to move away from home either. So she says, “his priorities as an adult are all backward and it drives me nuts!”

It drives me nuts that she even calls him a boyfriend!

Clearly, there is no evidence that he will be a committed, responsible, trustworthy, or competent husband or father.

He must be cute?

Getting Un-Petty

“When someone hurts you, it is not always you that is the cause. Sometimes we look on the external too much, but today God has taught me that I need my focus not on the offense but on the ‘crying heart’ of the offender. They have their own brokenness that they see in you which makes a door for them to be unkind to you. Thank You Lord for this, what a very important and beautiful lesson.” -- Ara G.

I just had to click that “Like” button on facebook. I agree with Ara.

Many of the ideas in this blog have outlined the means by which people have gotten a grip on their pettiness.

So how does one become un-petty? Here are some ideas.

Pray more often. Prayer is not only calming, it is humbling and reminds you of your obligations to others. Since much of pettiness is ultimately anchored in a self-centered view of the world, spirituality helps you broaden your awareness and perspective. Pettiness is “self-focused” and is an opposite focus of spirituality. God’s laws are about compassion, understanding, obligations, consequences, patience, meaningfulness, and holiness. These concepts are bigger than any one of us and require giving of oneself in humility. So many people find this approach enlightening, exhilarating, and transcendent. It helps you with the bigger picture.

If it’s that important to you – you do it! I have told many people that instead of nitpicking others to death about how something must be done, do it yourself. Take responsibility over those things that you cannot seem to be flexible on. Perhaps if you then find yourself so overburdened, you’ll realize that doing it yourself is not the best or only way to go about things. Consider that it isn’t a choice between just “your way” or the “wrong way”; it’s “your way” and somebody’s else’s “your way,” which is just a different way; take the “wrong” part out. Whew, did I just confuse you there?

Teamwork is part of the blessing of a relationship. It is a far, far better thing you do to find ways to solve problems and grapple with issues as a team, rather than alone. It’s this teamwork that solidifies relationships; the mutual dependency will make you close. People too often forget that mutual dependency breeds a familiarity of affection that cannot easily be broken by gray hairs or an interloper. I've lost some friends because those "others" wouldn't want me to be a part of their team.

Risk not being perfect. Perfectionists care about how they look. Have fun being silly. Loosen up! Being a knucklehead helps most of the time when you need those giggles.

Communicate. We all heard about this. Communication is the most important element in relationship. Communication avoids assumptions and misunderstandings. Ultimately, it is better to know the truth of where you stand and how others experience you (as painful as those truths sometimes are) because it gives you the power to grow and it gives them the knowledge they need to love you more.

Stifle yourself. Sometimes it’s wise just to shut up. This is probably one of the more difficult anti-pettiness techniques – I know it is for me. When your stress level is high and you have so much to do, it’s tough not to lash out at anything that appears to add to your strain. Learn to use that moment to solicit support, not strike out in frustration. Mr. and Ms. Quiet comes in handy when you're not in the mood to click "Like" on your friend's facebook wall.

Basically, the cure for pettiness is working harder to treat your loved one or friends as though you love them. This one is self-explanatory.

Special thanks to Mike Olaya for the graphics. It has nothing to do with the topic, I was just being un-petty.