Getting Un-Petty

“When someone hurts you, it is not always you that is the cause. Sometimes we look on the external too much, but today God has taught me that I need my focus not on the offense but on the ‘crying heart’ of the offender. They have their own brokenness that they see in you which makes a door for them to be unkind to you. Thank You Lord for this, what a very important and beautiful lesson.” -- Ara G.

I just had to click that “Like” button on facebook. I agree with Ara.

Many of the ideas in this blog have outlined the means by which people have gotten a grip on their pettiness.

So how does one become un-petty? Here are some ideas.

Pray more often. Prayer is not only calming, it is humbling and reminds you of your obligations to others. Since much of pettiness is ultimately anchored in a self-centered view of the world, spirituality helps you broaden your awareness and perspective. Pettiness is “self-focused” and is an opposite focus of spirituality. God’s laws are about compassion, understanding, obligations, consequences, patience, meaningfulness, and holiness. These concepts are bigger than any one of us and require giving of oneself in humility. So many people find this approach enlightening, exhilarating, and transcendent. It helps you with the bigger picture.

If it’s that important to you – you do it! I have told many people that instead of nitpicking others to death about how something must be done, do it yourself. Take responsibility over those things that you cannot seem to be flexible on. Perhaps if you then find yourself so overburdened, you’ll realize that doing it yourself is not the best or only way to go about things. Consider that it isn’t a choice between just “your way” or the “wrong way”; it’s “your way” and somebody’s else’s “your way,” which is just a different way; take the “wrong” part out. Whew, did I just confuse you there?

Teamwork is part of the blessing of a relationship. It is a far, far better thing you do to find ways to solve problems and grapple with issues as a team, rather than alone. It’s this teamwork that solidifies relationships; the mutual dependency will make you close. People too often forget that mutual dependency breeds a familiarity of affection that cannot easily be broken by gray hairs or an interloper. I've lost some friends because those "others" wouldn't want me to be a part of their team.

Risk not being perfect. Perfectionists care about how they look. Have fun being silly. Loosen up! Being a knucklehead helps most of the time when you need those giggles.

Communicate. We all heard about this. Communication is the most important element in relationship. Communication avoids assumptions and misunderstandings. Ultimately, it is better to know the truth of where you stand and how others experience you (as painful as those truths sometimes are) because it gives you the power to grow and it gives them the knowledge they need to love you more.

Stifle yourself. Sometimes it’s wise just to shut up. This is probably one of the more difficult anti-pettiness techniques – I know it is for me. When your stress level is high and you have so much to do, it’s tough not to lash out at anything that appears to add to your strain. Learn to use that moment to solicit support, not strike out in frustration. Mr. and Ms. Quiet comes in handy when you're not in the mood to click "Like" on your friend's facebook wall.

Basically, the cure for pettiness is working harder to treat your loved one or friends as though you love them. This one is self-explanatory.

Special thanks to Mike Olaya for the graphics. It has nothing to do with the topic, I was just being un-petty.

Revenge: Petty, Petty, Petty!

Oh no, we’re not going to talk about murder or the serious wild-goose chase of revenge here. Just the “subtle-sometimes-ignored type” of revenge in relationships within friends, family and life partners.

Overall, being vindictive is horrible. An “eye-for-an-eye” or a “tooth-for-a-tooth” it is wrong. It is petty, and I say petty two more times. Being petty is a favorite way for some folks to get their anger out – anger with their partner or somebody or something else in life.

If your partner spends too much time playing games on the internet, x-box, or PS3 and not enough time taking care of household task, or not giving you the attention you need, do you become petty and overly sensitive to everything real fast? Is it good enough to drive you to bits and pieces and get a sledge hammer and beat the crap out of him/her? Or would you smash that wide screen tv for that matter?

Arguments will surface. Sometimes, arguments are better than silence. Once both recognize the source of the pettiness, then you’re able to solve the main issue and move on. Of course, it would be better to communicate about the main issue up front and avoid all that ruckus.

Revenge is not just about venting. It is also about tit for tat – a blow for a blow.

Women find it easy to be sensitive to just about anything when they are looking to bicker in a relationship. Specially for single women who may feel that their boyfriends have been spending a lot of time without them. These women become unhappy and even more insecure. So the next time she is with him, she hunts for something to complain about, thus leading to a petty argument, still avoiding the original problem. This makes her feel like she’s back in control. Not being honest with herself and not trusting his love for her – which leads her to see that she is simply protecting herself from being hurt.

The revenge motive doesn’t necessarily have to be precipitated by your current relationships with loved ones or friends. It is sadly not unusual for people to take out on their spouse or partner the hurtful rage from other, less safe places – like family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and bosses. One insecure single woman would say, “I hate my job,” but instead of doing something about it, she’ll be petty and “so I’ll pick on my boyfriend.”

There’s a similar experience with one of my friends who came to understand that destructive formula. She came to a conclusion (after a screaming match with her boyfriend) that she has put years of hurt and anger concerning wrongs done by family members years ago on him and created unrealistic expectations. She then resolved to do a few things… first, is to treat her boyfriend like she would treat a good friend, with the same respect. Second, is to take care of herself in a more constructive and compassionate way – and start forgetting those ancient (or archaic?) hurts.

This is a good news/bad news moment. The good news is that your dearly beloved is someone who will ideally love you warts and all – so you have the privilege of being open, vulnerable, truthful, and painfully real. The bad news is that sometimes we abuse that privilege to protect our image on the outside by not dealing with the people and the situations which put that burr in our shorts in the first place.

Jealousy

This topic was requested by a friend who wanted to know why people get jealous even if love is eminent in a relationship. I may not have the perfect answer, but since I decided to blog about it, it’s sure worth a try.

When we offer our soul, spirit, body, and life to another, we are quite vulnerable. It is a definite time for hypersensitivity with respect to any threat or loss of that love. We can minimize such a threat by being psychologically healthy, picking someone psychologically healthy, communicating in a generous way, and behaving in a loving manner in general. Short of that perfection, as we all are, there is wiggle room for worry.

It is one thing to overreact anytime our partner talks about exes, or talks to another person; it’s another thing to react appropriately to real challenges to our intimacy (such as private meetings and communications) which need attention. It’s yet another to react to the “past.”

I’ve had a friend telling me about feeling threatened when her spouse thought of going to a funeral of an ex. A funeral! Being jealous of the dead is too great a leap from reason for me. “If he loved me, he wouldn’t go, because it upsets me,” she would say.

Well, how about this: If you loved him, you’d support his mourning and supporting the loved ones who are grieving.

How sad it is to be jealous of the dead.

Typically, though, it is jealousy over past relationships. When our partner is in constant contact with past relationships, the word “past” no longer applies -- and there is a problem. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about a partner keeping old photos and letters in a “locked box, in a trunk, in the attic.” Probably, these questions sprung up because more folks are making, breaking, and moving on to multiple relationships, more so than ever before. And, with evidence of past loves, one worries about becoming another inclusion in that memory bin – with good reason.

Making someone you supposedly love “erase any evidence of a past” is a petty, annoying, and destructive behavior which alienates them from you – it doesn’t solidify your importance in their lives. Only you do that.

On the other hand, I am reminded of a friend who thought retaining pictures of an ex was healthy; so healthy, indeed, that he carried a sexy picture of his ex-girlfriend with him all the time – in spite of the fact that he had a new girlfriend. Now that’s worth being petty over!