I'm always amused by this expression, "I have to find myself." First, there is the notion of being somewhere other than where you are (some kind of cosmic lost-and-found), then there is the idea that you can't find yourself under the present circumstances of marriage and children, and finally there is the epiphany that you can't simply find yourself in the bed of someone new.
Truly, you find yourself in your commitments; you find yourself in the eyes of people who depend on you; you find yourself in your noble responses to life's challenges; you find yourself in your actions and decisions; you find yourself right where you are now.
This notion of "finding oneself" is an intellectually dishonest approach to frustration, a pouty reaction to obligations and routine, and a bratty manipulation of another's compassion and understanding.
Why does finding oneself as an individual seem to imply that you must unload significant people from your life like your spouse, boy/girl friend, and/or parents? The answer is that the most immature part of yourself has reverted back to infanthood -- wanting to be the center of the universe without obligations: You get to have, you don't have to give.
With that attitude, you will either end up alone, or with superficial escapades, and regrets for a stupid breakup.
Don't lie to yourself or anyone else. When you feel like it's time to get going, stay put and face whatever it is that worries or frightens you.
Some of what makes people self-centered in relationships has to do with immaturity, lack of experience, poor role models, personality styles, habit, self-protection, and some combination of the above.
Being on my own for so long, I got very used to taking care of myself and if I was hurt or in any type of bind, no one else had to know about it and it really just wasn’t their business anyway.When I became engaged five years ago, this affected our relationship greatly because it took me a while to realize that I can’t become one with someone and still behave like the Lone Ranger.I had to share my thoughts, what I had, and very personal information.That wasn’t easy, but I have to thank God for a patient and tolerant man who is now my husband.He taught me a lot and helped me realize he was there to help, not hurt me, and I didn’t have to do everything on my own.
As many people who might have gone through decent therapy have learned, it is not unusual for them who have suffered to take it out on their spouses – a kind of “I suffered at the hand of another so now you owe me!” mentality.
Some folks grew up in a sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive homes.Most of the students I teach everyday have a rough home life.They, too, will become adults someday.While it is not unusual for people hurt as children to react in such a chaotic way, pushing away values and good people and good experiences out of unresolved historical anger, a fear of hurt or loss, or a discomfort with normalcy after so much chaos, the solution always is love, bonding, commitment, purpose.The solution always is getting back on the soul train someone threw you off.
That “pain” isn’t always from childhood, although those experiences do have an impact on how you handle challenges along the way.Some people have had terrible experiences, which they generalize to all relationships.
A friend of mine puts “pain” in this tune…
“I find that people find it easy to see the demons in others because they have not faced the demons within themselves.... it is easy to be judgmental and righteous because people think they are perfect.... it takes a lot of courage and humility to face our own demons and declare to the world that we have sinned...after we have done this, it takes character and faith to strive to be a better person... let's all stop pretending that there is someone in this world who have not sinned...I prefer to learn from my experiences, forgive others and forgive myself and strive to be the best I can be... we all learn from pain, from our experiences and from others as well, and yes I also choose to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned with others....”
I call this a case of “self-protectiveness” and oboy it is something real and happening in many people’s lives.
Self protectiveness is alienating and lonely.Somehow, the person has chosen risk over safety, and without risk there is no gain, and without gain there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no peace and safety that comes from being known and loved.
