My Soul Sister, My Friend

The capacity of a woman’s heart for meaningful relationship is vast. There is no way your husband or your children can ever provide the intimacy and relational satisfaction you need. A woman must have women friends.

It is here, in the realm of relationship, that women receive the most joy and the profoundest sorrows. The friendships of women inhabit a terrain of great mystery. Friendships endure testing and trial; they deepen and they last. The men in the lives of these women may leave, but their girlfriends do not. There is a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion, and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here, in this holy place, that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good. It is here that she can mother, nurture, encourage, and call forth Life.

Little girls have best friends. Grown women long for them. To have a woman friend is to relax into another soul and be welcomed in all that you are and all that you are not. To know that as a woman, you are not alone. Friendships between women provide a safe place to share in the experiences of life as a woman. Who but another woman can fully understand PAP smears and mammograms, PMS, the longing to bear a child, aging, gaining weight, and living in a world run by men? It is a great gift to know that you see as another sees, an immense pleasure to be understood, to enjoy the easy companionship of one you can let your guard down with.

Here’s my take on friendship. Friendship is a great gift. One to be prayed for and not taken for granted. If you do not have the kind of friendship you long for, ask God to bring it into your life, to give you eyes to recognize it when he does. When God gives a friend, He is entrusting us with the care of another’s heart. It is a chance to mother and to sister someone besides your family, to be a Life giver, to help someone else become the woman she was created to be, to walk alongside her and call her deep heart forth.

Friendships need to be nurtured and guarded and fought for. We need to call one another without waiting to be called first. We need to ask how our friends are doing and really listen to their answers. Listen between the lines. We love our friends by pursuing them – calls, little presents, cards, invitations to FB, to go for a walk, to go to a movie or eat out. We offer our hearts.

I guess your BFFs or girlfriends would like little presents, but what they really like best is the gift of time – the most treasured of all commodities. We need to pay attention to each other, really see one another. That truly is the greatest gift.

I Need to Be Needed

Making an identity, building an ego, feeling important through “rescuing others” makes those rescued your means to an end other than their welfare. It is more likely to be your doom when you’re just “trying to help.” I realized this today and a big sigh on that one. I needed “them” to improve myself because that is how I am measuring my own worth. Some people become workaholics to serve that inner god, others find broken friends and try to fix them. I belong to the latter’s demographics.

I lost two friends recently. Calling them "friends" was somewhat a big deal for me. But I thought to myself, if they were really true friends to begin with, I wouldn’t have lost them today.

Apparently, in my eyes, these two people just turn over their lives to whoever wants a piece because they interpret that behavior as that which will bring love and avoid all negative judgment or confrontation.

I have been friends with one of them for over a year. My mental imprint of her is -- she has a bad habit of letting people walk all over her – specially men! I attempted to talk to her about this, but she never would listen to my point of view. She even denounced me as her “life coach” and pretended to have full control of her actions, specially when they were positive and good. I have put up with this behavior once, but there is always a reason why we should forgive and forget. Now, she did it again! Sh**ting all over me, as if I was never a good person for her. Her behavior has started to make me feel worthless.

At first, it would seem that this person has a very weak personality. How sad. However, that is not the true story. This type of behavior is more self-serving than self-sacrificing. This type of behavior is generally about building a reputation through the flimsiest of means. This is sad because she cared about her reputation rather than her character.

Now allow me to look at the mirror for a second and have a dialogue with myself.

This is a point I’ve tried to drill myself many times: Your attempts to feel wonderful and important by having no boundaries or standards is self-serving and damaging. By the way, not holding people accountable for their actions doesn’t really help them. Repetitively saving their undeserving butt doesn’t mature them – but it does make you feel superior. And even reflex forgiveness at its worst does not suggest reissuing a “use me” proclamation – so don’t’ go touting forgiveness as your excuse. Please do note that along this route of self-congratulation, you willingly sacrifice the well-being and affection of those who really ought to count on you for support and protection. You are all too willing to sacrifice them for the “audience” in your mind, the folks at enough of a distance see you as a hero.

Oh yes, I was talking to myself back there. I should know better this time. As of today, I’m no longer in the business of fixing broken friends. God will fix their lives.

Getting Un-Petty

“When someone hurts you, it is not always you that is the cause. Sometimes we look on the external too much, but today God has taught me that I need my focus not on the offense but on the ‘crying heart’ of the offender. They have their own brokenness that they see in you which makes a door for them to be unkind to you. Thank You Lord for this, what a very important and beautiful lesson.” -- Ara G.

I just had to click that “Like” button on facebook. I agree with Ara.

Many of the ideas in this blog have outlined the means by which people have gotten a grip on their pettiness.

So how does one become un-petty? Here are some ideas.

Pray more often. Prayer is not only calming, it is humbling and reminds you of your obligations to others. Since much of pettiness is ultimately anchored in a self-centered view of the world, spirituality helps you broaden your awareness and perspective. Pettiness is “self-focused” and is an opposite focus of spirituality. God’s laws are about compassion, understanding, obligations, consequences, patience, meaningfulness, and holiness. These concepts are bigger than any one of us and require giving of oneself in humility. So many people find this approach enlightening, exhilarating, and transcendent. It helps you with the bigger picture.

If it’s that important to you – you do it! I have told many people that instead of nitpicking others to death about how something must be done, do it yourself. Take responsibility over those things that you cannot seem to be flexible on. Perhaps if you then find yourself so overburdened, you’ll realize that doing it yourself is not the best or only way to go about things. Consider that it isn’t a choice between just “your way” or the “wrong way”; it’s “your way” and somebody’s else’s “your way,” which is just a different way; take the “wrong” part out. Whew, did I just confuse you there?

Teamwork is part of the blessing of a relationship. It is a far, far better thing you do to find ways to solve problems and grapple with issues as a team, rather than alone. It’s this teamwork that solidifies relationships; the mutual dependency will make you close. People too often forget that mutual dependency breeds a familiarity of affection that cannot easily be broken by gray hairs or an interloper. I've lost some friends because those "others" wouldn't want me to be a part of their team.

Risk not being perfect. Perfectionists care about how they look. Have fun being silly. Loosen up! Being a knucklehead helps most of the time when you need those giggles.

Communicate. We all heard about this. Communication is the most important element in relationship. Communication avoids assumptions and misunderstandings. Ultimately, it is better to know the truth of where you stand and how others experience you (as painful as those truths sometimes are) because it gives you the power to grow and it gives them the knowledge they need to love you more.

Stifle yourself. Sometimes it’s wise just to shut up. This is probably one of the more difficult anti-pettiness techniques – I know it is for me. When your stress level is high and you have so much to do, it’s tough not to lash out at anything that appears to add to your strain. Learn to use that moment to solicit support, not strike out in frustration. Mr. and Ms. Quiet comes in handy when you're not in the mood to click "Like" on your friend's facebook wall.

Basically, the cure for pettiness is working harder to treat your loved one or friends as though you love them. This one is self-explanatory.

Special thanks to Mike Olaya for the graphics. It has nothing to do with the topic, I was just being un-petty.

Problems

All God's children have problems. Big problems or many problems certainly cut into our sense of feeling happy. Even then, sharing burdens with your partner, friends, family, rather than taking out our unhappiness on them, is, of itself, a kind of happiness. Perhaps the perspective we most need in times of strife is to realize that even this seeming major catastrophe is “a small bump on the road to eternity.”

Neither you nor your relationship is or will be perfect. That should not stop you from doing the caring, thoughtful, brave, and compassionate things you need to, to bring pleasure into the lives of your family. And that should not stop you from enjoying the value of what you are privileged and blessed to have – if you would only see it that way.

If you’re not happy, try behaving as though you were – see how that lightens life up for you, your partner, your friends and your family, and how that feeds back, lighting up the world.

Many thanks to Mike Olaya for the graphic art.

Are There Cures for Commitment Phobia?

Symptoms: Until now, the two of you have been inseparable, but suddenly, something is feeling a little off. You have noticed that he’s withdrawing (or she's withdrawing), or becoming critical. You’re pulling away, finding fault, fearing that you’ll become lost in your relationship, or feeling reluctant about getting too close.

Diagnosis: You’ve caught a case of commitment phobia – a kind of relationship flu.

Commitment requires us to enter into the give-and-take of adult relationships. Committed couples need to compromise, negotiate, and be more unselfish than most single people. The realization that you won’t always get your own way can leave you with cold feet – or in a cold sweat.

Why are we so scared? What makes us pull away from serious relationships when talk of living together, marriage, or even just becoming a committed couple comes up? A number of things, You – or your partner – may feel:

• Intimidated about being sexually faithful
• Wary about having to account to someone else for how you spend your time and money
• Reluctant to make sacrifices, large or small
• Nervous about giving your partner the level of attention you give yourself, or of giving him/her so much attention that you no longer attend to your own needs sufficiently
• Afraid of being known intimately by your partner (Will he/she see me in the bathroom? Will he find out what I’m really like?)

You or your prospective mate may also have been hurt by a romantic partner in the past and may feel scared about trusting again.

The following tips can help you or your significant other move out of commitment limbo, one way or another.

If you’ve caught commitment phobia: Practice assertive behavior. Say “no” when you mean “no.” ask for what you need, and discuss your feelings. Promise yourself that you won’t lose yourself in the relationship, but will still work on meeting your own needs. And discuss your fears with your partner. Remember, commitment is a change to build love and intimacy. It shouldn’t be a trap.

If your partner is commitment-phobic: Try talking to him about his/her feelings – and back off just a little. Specially with men, reassure him that you like him as a friend. By giving him a little space, he may feel that you really want to get to know him and aren’t simply intent on becoming engaged, married, or committed for the sake of settling down.

But why be with a person who is inflicted with commitment phobia? There are those who are available and ready to get hitched. There are those who appear like they’ve suffered from this dreaded disease but are realistically grounded with the truth that “no man is an island” and will stick with you no matter what or who you are.