Things are pretty quiet around the house at the moment -- mostly because Adam and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. We had a big argument last night. I should've seen it coming. The day got off to a rough start. He had been up all night helping a cow give birth. Then he had to leave before breakfast to get the rest of the hay stored.
When he finally got home, he was hot and sweaty, exhausted, and not in the greatest mood. I had been cooped up in the house all day with two sick kids, and when he asked why dinner wasn't ready, I suggested that if he wanted dinner maybe he'd better fix it himself. I don't know why I chose that moment to remind him of several chores I wished he would take care of -- including clearing out the path in front of the house; it looks like a jungle with all the weeds.
One thing led to another -- he had told Abel he could go on a special hunting trip with him next week. I feel he's too young, and besides, I don't think he should take Abel and leave Cain behind. He wouldn't back down, and things got pretty tight. We both said a lot of things we probably shouldn't have said. I went to bed early and pretended I was asleep when he came in.
You'd think after all these years together we ought to have this marriage thing down. Funny thing is, for the most part, I think Adam would say our marriage is doing fine. But sometimes I feel like we're total strangers -- even though we've known each other all our lives. He always thinks he's right about everything. When I ask him to try and see things from my point of view, he says nothing will make me happy. I just wish he would be more sensitive to my feelings.
Whew!Life has been a whirlwind.It’s been months since I’ve had a chance to sit down and put my thoughts on paper.We hardly have time to breathe these days.The boys are so active; I feel like I spend all my time chasing them around and picking up after them.It’s amazing how fast they can make a mess!They are growing up so quickly – they’ll be gone before we know it.I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity, while they are still young, to play together, to enjoy being together, and to teach them the things that really matter in life.
It’s harvest-time, which is always the busiest time of year for Adam.We don’t get to see a lot of each other these days.I wish we had more time to just sit and talk – about us, about the children, about our future.
With all the activity around here, I haven’t had much time to take walks and talk with God like I used to do.Things were a lot simpler before we had kids.There just aren’t enough hours in each day.I fall into bed exhausted at night, and get up and go through the same routine the next day…and the next…and the next…
These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life.I really wish there were someone I could talk to.Adam and I haven’t exactly been on the best of terms since we had to move.I don’t know if he’ll ever trust me again.In a way, I can’t blame him.I’ve really wrecked his life.I feel so stupid.Adam just doesn’t understand the effect that Serpent had on me.He was so irresistible – I felt like I couldn’t help myself.
I keep reliving that moment when I first looked down and realized I was naked.Then I glanced over at Adam and realized he was thinking the same thing.For the first time since we met, I couldn’t look him in the eyes.We had never before felt awkward around each other.Now we feel that way a lot of the time.Even though God gave us real clothes to replace those useless fig leaves, I still feel so…exposed – not just on the outside, but even more, on the inside.
I never used to think about how I looked to Adam.I always knew that he loved me and thought I was the most beautiful thing God had ever made.Now I find myself wondering if he really loves me and finds me attractive.Does he wish God hadn’t given me to him?
I am so confused.Yesterday morning, I was so sure about a lot of things.Now I don’t know who – or what – to believe.I’ve never had reason to doubt that God loved me.I had a thousand reasons to believe He was good.I never wondered if He was telling us the truth.I trusted Him.I believed what He said.
Now, for some reason, He doesn’t seem like the same God who walked and talked and sang with us every morning.If he is so good, why didn’t He stop me from talking to the Serpent or eating the fruit?Why did He make the fruit look so good?Why did He put that tree there, anyway?And why did He care if we ate that fruit?
He seems so far away.I’m afraid of Him.He said we would die if we ate from that tree.That seems like an awfully harsh punishment – hardly seems fair – especially for a first offense.Today, He told us to leave Eden.Why couldn’t He have given us a second chance?Does He really care what happens to us?
This whole thing is such a mess.Can’t God do something?
My head is spinning.I hardly know where to start.The day started out so perfectly – like every other day we’ve ever had.As we always do, Adam and I got up early to take a walk with God.Those walks have always been the highlight of our day.
This morning, no one said anything for a while.We just enjoyed being together.Then God started singing.It was a love song.When He got to the chorus, we started to sing with Him – first, Adam’s deep voice, then I joined in.We sang and sang and sang – songs about love and stars and joy and God.Finally, we all sat down under a big shade tree near the middle of the Garden.We thanked God for being so good; we told Him all we wanted to do was to make Him happy and to find our happiness in Him.It was such a sweet time – it always was when the three of us were together.
I don’t know how to explain what happened next.All of a sudden, we heard a voice we’d never heard before.I turned and there, looking right at me, was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.He talked directly to me.He made me feel important, and I found myself wanting to hear what he had to say.
I’m not sure what happened to God at this point.It wasn’t like He left us.I think I just kind of forgot He was there.In fact, for a while, I forgot Adam was there.I felt as if I were alone with this dazzling, mysterious creature.
The conversation that followed is indelibly etched in my mind.He asked me questions – questions I’d never thought about before.Then he offered me some things I had never had before – things I’d never thought I needed.Independence – from God and from Adam.Position – I had always looked up to God and Adam; this creature said they would look up to me.Knowledge – of mysteries known only to God.Permission – to eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the Garden.
First, I just listened and looked.In my heart, I pondered, I questioned, I debated.Adam had reminded me many times that God had said we must not eat the fruit from that tree.The creature kept looking into my eyes and talking in that soothing voice.I found myself believing him.It felt so right.Finally, I surrendered.I reached out – cautiously at first, then more boldly.I took.I ate.I handed it to Adam.He ate.We ate together – first me, then him.
Those next moments are a blur.Sensations deep down inside that I’ve never had before.New Awareness – like I know a secret I’m not supposed to know.Elation and Depression – at the same time.Liberation.Prison.Rising.Falling.Confident.Afraid.Ashamed.Dirty.Hiding – I can’t let Him see me like this.
One of my loyal readers, Erick, was fascinated by this concept: “the Fall of Adam and Eve brought to mankind an everlasting curse.” For some of you who are not familiar with this story, once upon a time, a wonderful life was shared by this lovely couple in the Garden of Eden with their Creator.
When the world was young and we were innocent – both man and woman were naked and unashamed. Nothing to hide. Simply… glorious! And while the world was young, a corner was turned. Something happened. Alas!
There are no words. Wail; beat your chest; fall to your knees; let out a long, lonesome howl of bitter remorse. The woman was convinced by the serpent! Just like that. In a matter of moments. Convinced of what? Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust Adam’s heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands. And so she did. She is the first to fall. In disobeying God she also violated her very essence. Eve is supposed to be Adam’s ezer kenegdo, a “help mate,” like one who comes to save. She is to bring him life, invite him to life. Instead, she invited him to his death.
So the curse was inevitable…each of them received it.
To the woman, Eve, he said,
“I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you,”
To the man, Adam, he said,
“Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you.”(Genesis 3:16-18)
To the very least this sounds like a magical tale where a hero emerges and tries to stop the curse from happening.
Sadly, this is no gimmick. This is not anime. It is the truth.
Now, it would be good for us to give careful attention to all that has unfolded in the Garden of Eden – especially the curses God pronounced – for the story explains our lives today, east of Eden.
For one thing, the curse on Adam cannot be limited only to actual thorns and thistles. If that were so, then every man who chooses not to be a farmer gets to escape the curse. Take a white-collar job and you’re scot-free. No, the meaning is deeper and the implications are for every son of Adam. Man is cursed with “futility” and “failure.” Life is going to be hard for a man in the place he will feel it most. Failure is a man’s worst fear.
In just the same way, the curse for Eve and all her daughters cannot be limited only to babies and marriage, for if that were true then every single woman without children gets to escape the curse. Not so. The meaning is deeper and the implications are for every daughter of Eve. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man), and with the dominance of men (which is not how things were meant to be, and I am not saying it is a good thing – it is the fruit of the Fall and a sad fact of history.)
Women, isn’t it true? Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational – aren’t they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can’t you see how much you need to have things under your control – whether it’s a project, an assigned task or a marriage? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven’t you felt “this is a man’s world,” made your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? We are not “inviting” a man to like us – we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security.
When a man goes bad, as every man has in some way gone bad after the Fall, what is most deeply marred is his strength. He either becomes passive, weak man – strength surrendered – or he becomes a violent, driven man – strength unglued.
When a woman falls from grace, what is most deeply marred is her tender vulnerability, beauty that invites to life. She becomes a dominating, controlling woman – or a desolate, needy, mousy woman. Or some odd combination of both, depending on her circumstances.
