Don’t complicate your life by trying to understand what is wrong with your friends and family members who don’t agree with you about everything.After 5 years of marriage, I still don’t have Kenji figured out.But I found joy when I simply quit trying to understand why he likes to watch sports and be a couch potato.I have learned to be a sports fan and watch TV series on a marathon, so now I’m a couch potato myself.LOL!How’s that for a change?
In other words, you can’t really love people until you quit trying to rework them and find joy in who they are.My life got real simple when I finally realized I couldn’t change people.
God can change someone if He wants to, and if He doesn’t, it’s because He doesn’t want to.So I might as well trust God.Trust is simple.Casting your cares on Him is simple.
The Bible message is simple: Love God and love others.
The gospel is simple:Jesus loves us, this we know.Why?Because the Bible tells us so!
Even the plan of salvation is simple:Jesus died for us.He paid the price for our sin.How much simpler can it be?
It is amazing how a straightforward, uncomplicated message change your life and bring joy.
Jesus came to simplify your life.Satan wants to complicate your life, but God is not the author of confusion.
There are so many people in the church who are not really serving God with their whole hearts or their whole lives.Their lives are a big, complicated mess because they have one foot in the kingdom and one foot in the world.
One of the reasons I keep reminding people that “love is not enough” for a quality marriage is that emotions are labile, vulnerable, situational, unpredictable, and without an IQ.Commitment and respect for vows, promises, obligations, and tradition are much more worthy and predictable building blocks for a good relationship.You may get your “jollies” fantasizing about some movie star or neighbor, but nothing fills your heart with deeper affection (and perhaps passion) than watching the tenderness of your spouse with the children, having your spouse be compassionate and non-combative when you’re in a mood, or having your spouse be solicitous when you feel (and look) like garbage.
If you really think there is anyone who can sustain a happy, fulfilled state all the time, you’re wrong.You’re also wrong if you think there is some one person out there with whom you certainly would sustain a perpetual happy, fulfilled state.You’re also wrong if you think that the best of relationships don’t go through stages, and phases, and problems.
A stupid breakup occurred from my first marriage.I was “unhappy.”I’ve been used, physically and emotionally battered and despite my willingness to stay in that marriage, I was divorced because he wasn’t done "leeching" and womanizing.I encountered a good reminder on the web one day.“The Five Stages of Marriage” and they were:“Stage 1: Falling in love.Stage 2: Discovering the foibles, faults, etc.Stage 3: Deciding what to do about this new knowledge.Stage 4: (If you reach it) The hard work involved in getting through the realities of Stage 2.Stage 5:The glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.”
A light went on!Now I know that when the going got tough, I got going.WOW!What a revelation.The stupidity comes in when I consider the harm to my children and the pain I caused my ex-spouse.If I had known that relationships go through these stages, I think I would have been able to work through the problems.I’m back on the marriage train tracks again, so to speak, but I have become wiser and more patient in understanding what makes a marriage work.Alas, I know better how to keep my husband and children in check.I finally see the big picture. It's not about me, not about my spouse or children, but it's about having a solid relationship with God throughout the marriage.
I believe that millions of people would be able to work through their problems if they had that knowledge and support from their families, friends, and society at large.I will post an intriguing statement here for you to ponder:“Those who are married are happier, healthier, and wealthier.”Go figure.
In most cases, couples don’t try hard enough to stay together.They don’t talk about problems, try to identify the issues, or work them out.And they don’t take the time to remember what made them fall in love with each other.
I believe that most divorces are caused by materialism.In a way, our society is becoming corrupted by materialism.There is competition about having the best car, the biggest house, the nicest clothes – but no one seems to care about having the closest family, the most dinners together as a family, and ongoing friendships with family members.Though divorce has been used as the easy way out of the challenges of marriage and family, the three A’s – addiction, adultery, and abuse – justify divorce as a valid consideration.Quite honestly, I'm done putting up with these three A's and I thought of them as dragons to slay on a day to day basis. Finally, after battling out the quagmire of painful reality, I put these dragons to rest in peace!
A preponderance of divorced women are disgusted with what they put their children through. I’m not an exception to this demographic.I believe that parents should think more about their children than themselves and the world would be a better place.That means making your marriage work – and it does take work!When there are terrible problems, like the three A’s, it becomes a major challenge to consider whether or not to stay.When there is repentance (responsibility taken, true remorse, behaviors to repair and not repeat), there is hope.When there is no repentance, the hope is just postponed disappointment.
I think that people give up too easily on marriage when love, understanding, and forgiveness can help your partner remember what it was that caused them to commit to you in the first place.Giving up on a marriage without attempting to prove your love and worth is a stupid reason for a breakup.Each one must write "NO DIVORCE" on God's Solid Tablet and continue to live a life of truth, happiness and love.
- from the "Moravian Cook Book" in Society of the MoravianChurch, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 1910. Public Domain.
A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement. Some women keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words. Others roast them; some keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good, managed in this way, but they are really delicious when properly treated.
In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure and select him yourself, as tastes differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you know how to cook him. A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.
See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them alive. Make a clear steady fire out of love, neatness, and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this till they are quite done.
Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgement. Do not stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie too flat and too close to the kettle, and so becomes useless. You cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated, you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will keep as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.
I’ve often said on my blog that the person you marry should be the one person in all the world with whom you can share your deepest, innermost, uncomfortable, shameful past and problems. Instead, many marry treating their partners as the enemy, not the ally.
My husband and I both went into our marriage with very specific ideas about what our marriage was not going to be about. So our ideas consisted of this: I refused to ever be run by a man again, and he swore no woman would ever control his life again.
This is hindsight, of course, we had no idea this was the case when we said, “I do.” We began to keep secrets from each other. It basically boiled down to one underlying problem. He didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. We both saw the other as the enemy.
To make the long story short, I began to read my Bible, and things concerning marriage began to pop out all over the place. I realized that being my husband’s helpmate did not mean that I had to become a meek, trod-upon waif. Instead, I could stay the strong woman that I was and still prefer my husband over myself. Once I began to trust my husband not to run over me, and I understood that I wasn’t going to become a doormat, he responded in kind. I started trusting him with my life instead of being in complete control. Amazingly, the same thing happened to him as he began to trust me with his life.”
Because of family wars, dating wars, and inner wars, the end is too often the tragedy of not being able to connect with comfort, with trust.
Change is possible. The first change must be in ourselves, in our attitude, and perspective, and reactions, and that trust is a decision – one without a guarantee, and that’s what makes change a brave thing to do. These acts of supreme risk give us the most potential return.
Power struggles may leave you “on top,” but they also basically leave you alone. There is no real intimacy where power and control are exercised. While it is true that bad experiences with violent or untrustworthy or philandering partners can leave you armed- for-bear-in-making-sure-this-doesn’t-happen-to-you-again, it is also true that shooting before you see the whites of their eyes (or black of their hearts) leaves your relationship dead.
Up until the moment that the courier from the Palace arrives at her door, Cinderella’s life seems set in stone.She will always be a washerwoman, a cellar girl.Her enemies will forever have the upper hand.She will live a life of enduring disappointments, though she will suffer them nobly.No other life seems possible.This is her fate.Then, word from the Prince arrives – an invitation to a ball.It is at this point that all hell breaks loose.Her longings are awakened.Her enemies become enraged.And her life is never the same.
How gracious that it comes by invitation.As a woman, I realized, I don’t need to strive or arrange; I don’t need to make it happen.I only need to respond.Granted – Cinderella’s response took immense courage, courage that came only out of a deep desire to find the life her heart knew it was meant for.She wanted to go.But it took steadfastness to press through her fears just to get to the ball.It took courage not to abandon all hope even after she danced with the Prince.She ran back to the cellar, as we all do.But she became the woman she was born to be, and the kingdom was never the same.It is a beautiful fairytale.
How do you respond to your Lover’s invitation?
The invitations of our Prince come to us in all sorts of ways.Your heart itself, as a woman, is an invitation.An invitation delivered in the most intimate and personalized way.Your Lover has written something on your heart.It is a call to find a life of Romance and to protect that love affair as your most precious treasure.A call to cultivate the beauty you hold inside, and to unveil your beauty on behalf of others.And it is a call to adventure, to become the “help mate” the world desperately needs you to be.
The saddest aspect of secrets in a relationship is that you are alone with your fears and problems. Obviously, that is counterproductive to intimacy. When there are sad and serious problems in a relationship, secrets are sometimes the means by which people try to hide from that truth. Instead of facing the problems, getting help, trying to change, or realizing the sick futility of their predicament, people will use the glue of secrets to shore up the dam. It ultimately doesn’t work.
I know a person who had to tell his girlfriend that he was cleaning the house instead of the truth that he was just watching his favorite tv series (perhaps Attack of the Show, House or Dexter?) and forgot to call her. He kept this as a secret instead of facing the fact that their relationship must be unhealthy, not allowing them to be an individual with responsibilities, rights, respect, and discipline. Secrets usually are kept to avoid a confrontation.
Clearly, this is not a relationship of loving, equally sharing, caring adults. This is a relationship of fear and domination – deceit and manipulation. Not much chance for improvement, repair, or relief when the truth is hidden. Secrets in this case replace dealing with truth and reality.
Another person I know was paying monthly bills when she suddenly realized an error she had made to the tune of $200. She then took the same amount from a savings joint account to make up for the deficit. She planned not to tell her husband. She didn’t want him to know that she goofed and wanted to avoid a fight. When he inquired about the savings account, she lied and said it was the amount it had been for a long time. But he found the savings book one morning and saw what she did. Oops! He demanded an explanation. But, as she gave him her reason, she began to see how stupid it sounded.
When you’re working on improving a relationship, making sure you look good or don’t get caught making errors or seem always to be right, are not the means to a healthy, loving relationship. First of all, they’re all about you – not about him or her or us! Keeping secrets about mistakes in judgement or action is a form of lying and can do serious damage to the relationship by hurting your credibility and trustworthiness. Probably one of the most important elements of a relationship is the confidence you have in the other person’s fundamental intent never to hurt you or the relationship.
In order to gain that credibility and trust, you must never give your partner an indication that you would be deceptive to avoid a confrontation, keep out of trouble, be held accountable, look bad, be wrong, or not be in control. The “us” has to be more important than that.
On the flip side, instead of making sure you look good, it does little for the long-term health of a relationship to protect your partner from him or herself.
Secrets make you live in fear.
All this said, there are times when truth becomes cruel and destructive. Perhaps we could call these “good secrets.” For example, you should never tell your partner that you’re turned off because of receding hairlines, ripples in thighs, sagging, postpartum breasts, crow’s feet, graying hair, slower gait, a few extra age pounds, and so forth. We all need to age gracefully and accept the aging and imperfections of our loved ones graciously.
Yes, you also should never tell your spouse that you’ve had sexy feelings about anyone real or unreal. Instead, you should remove yourself from that temptation and hike up your attention and affection with your partner. It’s amazing how being more attentive gets more back in return than just fantasizing in anger does.
Sometimes the worst secrets are the truths we keep from ourselves. It’s generally downhill from there.
