The Past

The hardest thing to do is to look into a mirror with 100x enlargement – nobody cares to see their pores that big! It takes a lot of courage to face that, and I applaud a friend, for telling me some of her grueling past. One hour and a half of “our” past.

My first husband lied to me constantly for five years. His lies caused great pain to me and others and even got him in serious trouble with the law. My current husband is very honest, and I know deep down I can trust him totally, but when he answers my questions my immediate thought deep down is I wonder if he is telling the truth. He has proved my fears wrong time and time again. How do I stop my immediate feelings?

Obviously, I do not want a déja vu experience – but I create it in my mind with the excuse that I’ve been there and don’t want to be there again. That’s the irony – I create my worst fear. So here I am, finally married to a good guy, messing up the relationship because I am stuck in reverse gear.

So, how do you stop your immediate feelings? You don’t, is the answer. When you choose to not act on them by questioning him, checking up on him, being hostile toward him, or punishing him, all for nothing, then you automatically diminish the power of those feelings.

My husband made it clear this morning, “Hun, I would never do something to hurt you,” was what he said. I know I just have to believe this because the truth is, he never did anything to hurt me. The problem was me. I allowed myself to succumb to negative thoughts and look where it got me – nowhere. Oh wait, it led me somewhere – the past!

There is Only Me!

Some of what makes people self-centered in relationships has to do with immaturity, lack of experience, poor role models, personality styles, habit, self-protection, and some combination of the above.

Being on my own for so long, I got very used to taking care of myself and if I was hurt or in any type of bind, no one else had to know about it and it really just wasn’t their business anyway. When I became engaged five years ago, this affected our relationship greatly because it took me a while to realize that I can’t become one with someone and still behave like the Lone Ranger. I had to share my thoughts, what I had, and very personal information. That wasn’t easy, but I have to thank God for a patient and tolerant man who is now my husband. He taught me a lot and helped me realize he was there to help, not hurt me, and I didn’t have to do everything on my own.

As many people who might have gone through decent therapy have learned, it is not unusual for them who have suffered to take it out on their spouses – a kind of “I suffered at the hand of another so now you owe me!” mentality.

Some folks grew up in a sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive homes. Most of the students I teach everyday have a rough home life. They, too, will become adults someday. While it is not unusual for people hurt as children to react in such a chaotic way, pushing away values and good people and good experiences out of unresolved historical anger, a fear of hurt or loss, or a discomfort with normalcy after so much chaos, the solution always is love, bonding, commitment, purpose. The solution always is getting back on the soul train someone threw you off.

That “pain” isn’t always from childhood, although those experiences do have an impact on how you handle challenges along the way. Some people have had terrible experiences, which they generalize to all relationships.

A friend of mine puts “pain” in this tune…

“I find that people find it easy to see the demons in others because they have not faced the demons within themselves.... it is easy to be judgmental and righteous because people think they are perfect.... it takes a lot of courage and humility to face our own demons and declare to the world that we have sinned...after we have done this, it takes character and faith to strive to be a better person... let's all stop pretending that there is someone in this world who have not sinned...I prefer to learn from my experiences, forgive others and forgive myself and strive to be the best I can be... we all learn from pain, from our experiences and from others as well, and yes I also choose to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned with others....”

I call this a case of “self-protectiveness” and oboy it is something real and happening in many people’s lives.

Self protectiveness is alienating and lonely. Somehow, the person has chosen risk over safety, and without risk there is no gain, and without gain there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no peace and safety that comes from being known and loved.

Love Shouldn't Hurt

How can you say you love and care for someone when you bring that person pain, uncertainty, embarrassment, anxiety, and insult? Wait – I know the answer to that one – you don’t love them! Justifying actions that clearly hurt and demoralize your partner (or friend) is self-serving, not loving, and is psychologically abusive. Here’s a tip: If your actions hurt the one you love, they are the wrong actions. Period.

Love is an action based on the conviction of commitment, not on the ebb and flow of emotion. The emotion of feeling overwhelmingly drawn to someone, sexually turned on to them, or fuzzy all over when they walk into a room or the thought of them comes to mind, is intermittent, fragile, and too easily pushed aside by such other competing emotions as boredom, depression, health issues, financial circumstances, familiarity, annoyances, and so forth. It is the sense of obligation due to the seriousness of the commitment that provides the impetus for appropriate behavior in spite of momentary glitches in “that loving feeling.”

And, most importantly, it is the “behaviors” of loving that help stimulate and perpetuate those “loving feelings.” That’s right! Your behaviors largely determine your feelings. If you require proof of that, remember all those times when you felt down, but spiffed up your dress, stiffened up your lip, and marched into the fray – the very act of behaving undepressed and confident put you in the position to reinforce those healthier feelings. The same works for intimacy; behaving in a loving way taps into those stored-away positive feelings for your partner and generates positive reactions from his or her feedback which makes you feel even better and closer.

So, why hate when you can love?

Here are the choices: Stay and suffer, stay and go crazy, stay and pray, stay and demand things to change, stay and take the risks, or leave.

The Seven Stages of Healing

The Seven Stages of Healing was written by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty. When you hurt, you don't know how to start anew. We have all been there before. Didn't we all go crazy and almost lost our minds? It's hard to deal with pain, whether physically or emotionally. We need a manual or some guidelines to get ourselves back. I just happen to stumble on this piece, and I'm sharing them with you. A friend of mine is hurting right now. He suggested that I should put this up for those who are hurting like him. So here they are...seven stages of healing.

1. Get Started

The most basic human need always takes priority. Our most basic need is for love and belonging, and healing is always about finding, or rediscovering, that central core, that island buried deep within all of us that is most of who we are. In terms of well-being, all there is is love and love denied.

2. Get Lost

If the need to love and be loved is not adequately met, the individual can't develop. That's the essential meaning of the word "lost." Lost means not knowing where you are or where you are headed. Lost means sitting alone in the dark because there isn't a scrap of light anywhere to follow.

3. Get Hurt

Once we get lost, we get hurt. We desperately try to cope, to cover up, each of us according to our different personalities. But in spite of that they are all just sticks thrown into the River, the restlessly ongoing effort to be found and so to find or rediscover what we were all made for.

4. Get Stuck

Follow the Hoop and see what happens next: we get stuck. Stuck means "can't move". The dynamics of stuck invade our innermost parts and become familiar. Whether it's being abused in a relationship, dying around food in one way or another, filling our bodies with drugs, shutting down all feelings, surrendering to violent rage, or isolating or hiding. These behaviors become our pimps, so to speak, and we jump when they beckon.

5. Get Called

How can there be healing if there is not first a call, an invitation to break through all the emotional and intellectual concrete holding us stuck in some dreary expression of diminished life? Any knock that invites us to move deeper into our humanity comes from the hand of God. The knock has a thousand different faces and forms, yet the invitation is the same. Once the call is heard, it is time to get up!

6. Get Up

To "get up" means just that: you make a start. Getting up doesn't mean all of a sudden you turn into a world-class sprinter. It just means that you are standing up, like a tender blade of new grass, reaching for the sun. After the call, there is a getting up, but no one ever gets up alone. There is surely a part of this process that no one can do but us but the problem of love hunger simply can't be addressed alone.

7. Get Going

Once we finally get up, once we see the wound and the systems that keep the wound active, the next step is to get going and keep going. By getting going, I mean just that: get moving and don't stop. That's the trick-keeping it up. An occasional companion on my morning walks says, "It's all practice. Simple as that. We are what we practice. You want to change something, practice it until you are there."