Then and Now

In the past couple of decades, there has been a significant movement challenging men to become men of God, to love their wives and children, and to express that love through sacrifice and service. What an encouragement it has been to me to see God stirring my husband, Kenji, and turning his heart toward Him and toward his family.

Women need to be careful that we do not lose sight of the primary roles God has given us to fulfill. In today’s world, it is “politically correct” to challenge men to go home and serve their wives. However, it is not “PC” to talk to women about their responsibility to serve their husbands.

God did not make the man to be a “helper” to the woman. He made the woman to be a “helper” to the man. Of course, this does not mean that men are not to serve their wives and children. If men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, there must be willingness to lay down their lives and become servants, even as Christ did for His bride.

If women focus on what we “deserve,” on our “rights,” or on what men “ought” to do for us, we will become vulnerable to hurt and resentment when our expectations are not fulfilled. Blessing and joy are the fruit of seeking to be a giver rather than a taker and of looking for ways to bless, serve, and minister to the needs of our families.

Yeah I Lost Weight!

Whether or not you like it or think it should be so, our appearance, including hygiene, posture, dress, weight, and fitness, matters in our relationships. It is all a sign of respect for ourselves and our obligation to the relationship.

Certainly, it is difficult to keep up with aging and gravity. Certainly, it is difficult to exercise and eat only the stuff you “oughtta.” Trust me, I know! I’ve been keeping up with my own version of losing weight with my combo “diet-exercise-technology” but I know it is still difficult to carve time out of my busy life to do body maintenance. Certainly, one needs a mature outlook in balancing the physical with the spiritual and relational. And certainly, one should never feel loved or not based on a bit of flab. A decent partner learns to graciously and lovingly accept the realities of aging in their spouse without comparing.

It is our individual responsibility not to take our relationship or partner for granted with lazy excuses.

Many wives out there could have husbands who refuse to participate in marital relations because of “weight.” I can almost hear these wives saying to their husbands “that size shouldn’t matter and that dieting isn’t easy,” that if it were easy, weight loss wouldn’t be the big business it is.

I believe it is fair for him to say that he needs to see “some attempt…to lose weight,” because it demonstrates on her part a respect for his point of view and the physical side of their relationship. It is flabber(pun intended)gasting how many people demand that their spouses be totally turned on to them and pleased no matter how much they abuse their bodies.

I guess this is everyone’s excuse – “If he loves me, what difference does the weight make, especially since I am so totally wonderful otherwise.”

It’s not that the appreciation for all that you are is lost, it is that as you lose interest in pleasing your partner with your best self, so will your partner.

I used to be 128 lbs. but now I’m 109 lbs. and will still lose weight until my goal (107 lbs.) is reached. If I can do it, ya’ll can do it too!

People Need to Work Harder at Marriage

One of the reasons I keep reminding people that “love is not enough” for a quality marriage is that emotions are labile, vulnerable, situational, unpredictable, and without an IQ. Commitment and respect for vows, promises, obligations, and tradition are much more worthy and predictable building blocks for a good relationship. You may get your “jollies” fantasizing about some movie star or neighbor, but nothing fills your heart with deeper affection (and perhaps passion) than watching the tenderness of your spouse with the children, having your spouse be compassionate and non-combative when you’re in a mood, or having your spouse be solicitous when you feel (and look) like garbage.

If you really think there is anyone who can sustain a happy, fulfilled state all the time, you’re wrong. You’re also wrong if you think there is some one person out there with whom you certainly would sustain a perpetual happy, fulfilled state. You’re also wrong if you think that the best of relationships don’t go through stages, and phases, and problems.

A stupid breakup occurred from my first marriage. I was “unhappy.” I’ve been used, physically and emotionally battered and despite my willingness to stay in that marriage, I was divorced because he wasn’t done "leeching" and womanizing. I encountered a good reminder on the web one day. “The Five Stages of Marriage” and they were: “Stage 1: Falling in love. Stage 2: Discovering the foibles, faults, etc. Stage 3: Deciding what to do about this new knowledge. Stage 4: (If you reach it) The hard work involved in getting through the realities of Stage 2. Stage 5: The glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.”

A light went on! Now I know that when the going got tough, I got going. WOW! What a revelation. The stupidity comes in when I consider the harm to my children and the pain I caused my ex-spouse. If I had known that relationships go through these stages, I think I would have been able to work through the problems. I’m back on the marriage train tracks again, so to speak, but I have become wiser and more patient in understanding what makes a marriage work. Alas, I know better how to keep my husband and children in check. I finally see the big picture. It's not about me, not about my spouse or children, but it's about having a solid relationship with God throughout the marriage.

I believe that millions of people would be able to work through their problems if they had that knowledge and support from their families, friends, and society at large. I will post an intriguing statement here for you to ponder: “Those who are married are happier, healthier, and wealthier.” Go figure.

In most cases, couples don’t try hard enough to stay together. They don’t talk about problems, try to identify the issues, or work them out. And they don’t take the time to remember what made them fall in love with each other.

I believe that most divorces are caused by materialism. In a way, our society is becoming corrupted by materialism. There is competition about having the best car, the biggest house, the nicest clothes – but no one seems to care about having the closest family, the most dinners together as a family, and ongoing friendships with family members. Though divorce has been used as the easy way out of the challenges of marriage and family, the three A’s – addiction, adultery, and abuse – justify divorce as a valid consideration. Quite honestly, I'm done putting up with these three A's and I thought of them as dragons to slay on a day to day basis. Finally, after battling out the quagmire of painful reality, I put these dragons to rest in peace!

A preponderance of divorced women are disgusted with what they put their children through. I’m not an exception to this demographic. I believe that parents should think more about their children than themselves and the world would be a better place. That means making your marriage work – and it does take work! When there are terrible problems, like the three A’s, it becomes a major challenge to consider whether or not to stay. When there is repentance (responsibility taken, true remorse, behaviors to repair and not repeat), there is hope. When there is no repentance, the hope is just postponed disappointment.

I think that people give up too easily on marriage when love, understanding, and forgiveness can help your partner remember what it was that caused them to commit to you in the first place. Giving up on a marriage without attempting to prove your love and worth is a stupid reason for a breakup. Each one must write "NO DIVORCE" on God's Solid Tablet and continue to live a life of truth, happiness and love.

My Mother or My Spouse – “In-Laws Are Out-Laws”

I think that now that I am older and married, I realized how at the beginning of my relationship with my (ex)husband, I would drop everything at the tone of my mother’s voice, or, if she would call. My husband would do the same with his parents. Now, the two of us realize that the only way that our marriage is going to work is if we make each other our #1 priority.

“When people are married, the parents have to step back, and the couple needs to step forward, away from their parents into their own space.”

Yes, indeed, but I can’t tell you how many stories I get from guys whose wives won’t move away from Mommy, won’t stop calling Mommy several times a day, won’t stop Mommy from just dropping in uninvited whenever she darn well pleases, and who won’t stop checking in with Mommy for an opinion on everything the couple is deciding. Now, obviously, this kind of woman is a very dependent personality, and any guy who picks her is looking for a cushy pillow instead of a partner. The mistake these guys make is in thinking that she will automatically change from her Mommy’s cushy pillow to his with a ceremony. Surprise!

This is no different when the guy is a “Momma’s Boy.” Women who pick these men actually want a guy who jumps through hoops at the mere mention, much less the sound, of a whistle. And they too think that the guy will take the whistle from Mommy and give it to Wifey. Wrong!

I’m now blessed with a husband whose Mom is thousands of miles away from where we live. I don’t get to deal with in-laws. But in the past, my first husband has always made it clear that his parents and siblings are more important in his life than I am. I have heard his parents say, ‘Blood is thicker than water,’ more times than I can count. I have also heard his Mom say, ‘We are family, everyone else is an outsider.’”

Your parents gave you life, but you shouldn’t allow them to see your priorities after you’ve ‘grown up.’”

People are often confused about their obligations to their parents compared with that to their spouse and children. Honoring your parents does not include dishonoring your vows or obligations in marriage. Honoring your parents does not mean that they get to, at their preference, make decisions in your life. It does mean that you must show respect and make sure they have the necessities of life – but it does not mean that you must sacrifice your family to do it.

Catering to the whims of a weak or demanding parent is clearly a perpetual motion machine and causes the direct destruction of your psyche and your marriage; it is a display of disrespect for your vows, commitments, and obligations to your spouse. Where there are serious needs, as with seriously ill or dying parent, those needs must be met with honor and compassion and compromise.
Neither spouse should put the other in charge of his or her own responsibilities to parents. Since each spouse is obligated to bring his or her healthiest self to a marriage, where there are clear problems with inappropriate attachment to the original family, mental health assistance should be used.

The Past

The hardest thing to do is to look into a mirror with 100x enlargement – nobody cares to see their pores that big! It takes a lot of courage to face that, and I applaud a friend, for telling me some of her grueling past. One hour and a half of “our” past.

My first husband lied to me constantly for five years. His lies caused great pain to me and others and even got him in serious trouble with the law. My current husband is very honest, and I know deep down I can trust him totally, but when he answers my questions my immediate thought deep down is I wonder if he is telling the truth. He has proved my fears wrong time and time again. How do I stop my immediate feelings?

Obviously, I do not want a déja vu experience – but I create it in my mind with the excuse that I’ve been there and don’t want to be there again. That’s the irony – I create my worst fear. So here I am, finally married to a good guy, messing up the relationship because I am stuck in reverse gear.

So, how do you stop your immediate feelings? You don’t, is the answer. When you choose to not act on them by questioning him, checking up on him, being hostile toward him, or punishing him, all for nothing, then you automatically diminish the power of those feelings.

My husband made it clear this morning, “Hun, I would never do something to hurt you,” was what he said. I know I just have to believe this because the truth is, he never did anything to hurt me. The problem was me. I allowed myself to succumb to negative thoughts and look where it got me – nowhere. Oh wait, it led me somewhere – the past!

How to Cook a Husband

- from the "Moravian Cook Book" in Society of the Moravian Church, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 1910. Public Domain.

A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement. Some women keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words. Others roast them; some keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good, managed in this way, but they are really delicious when properly treated.

In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure and select him yourself, as tastes differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you know how to cook him. A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.

See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them alive. Make a clear steady fire out of love, neatness, and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this till they are quite done.

Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgement. Do not stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie too flat and too close to the kettle, and so becomes useless. You cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated, you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will keep as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.

Mine Enemy

I’ve often said on my blog that the person you marry should be the one person in all the world with whom you can share your deepest, innermost, uncomfortable, shameful past and problems. Instead, many marry treating their partners as the enemy, not the ally.

My husband and I both went into our marriage with very specific ideas about what our marriage was not going to be about. So our ideas consisted of this: I refused to ever be run by a man again, and he swore no woman would ever control his life again.

This is hindsight, of course, we had no idea this was the case when we said, “I do.” We began to keep secrets from each other. It basically boiled down to one underlying problem. He didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. We both saw the other as the enemy.

To make the long story short, I began to read my Bible, and things concerning marriage began to pop out all over the place. I realized that being my husband’s helpmate did not mean that I had to become a meek, trod-upon waif. Instead, I could stay the strong woman that I was and still prefer my husband over myself. Once I began to trust my husband not to run over me, and I understood that I wasn’t going to become a doormat, he responded in kind. I started trusting him with my life instead of being in complete control. Amazingly, the same thing happened to him as he began to trust me with his life.”

Where this revelation and metamorphosis does not take place, there is either all-out war, unilateral surrender, or an uncomfortable détente. The latter is a state in which nothing is shared because sharing is evidence of a loss of control.

Because of family wars, dating wars, and inner wars, the end is too often the tragedy of not being able to connect with comfort, with trust.

Change is possible. The first change must be in ourselves, in our attitude, and perspective, and reactions, and that trust is a decision – one without a guarantee, and that’s what makes change a brave thing to do. These acts of supreme risk give us the most potential return.

Power struggles may leave you “on top,” but they also basically leave you alone. There is no real intimacy where power and control are exercised. While it is true that bad experiences with violent or untrustworthy or philandering partners can leave you armed- for-bear-in-making-sure-this-doesn’t-happen-to-you-again, it is also true that shooting before you see the whites of their eyes (or black of their hearts) leaves your relationship dead.