How to Cook a Husband

- from the "Moravian Cook Book" in Society of the Moravian Church, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 1910. Public Domain.

A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement. Some women keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words. Others roast them; some keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good, managed in this way, but they are really delicious when properly treated.

In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure and select him yourself, as tastes differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you know how to cook him. A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.

See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them alive. Make a clear steady fire out of love, neatness, and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this till they are quite done.

Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgement. Do not stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie too flat and too close to the kettle, and so becomes useless. You cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated, you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will keep as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.

Mine Enemy

I’ve often said on my blog that the person you marry should be the one person in all the world with whom you can share your deepest, innermost, uncomfortable, shameful past and problems. Instead, many marry treating their partners as the enemy, not the ally.

My husband and I both went into our marriage with very specific ideas about what our marriage was not going to be about. So our ideas consisted of this: I refused to ever be run by a man again, and he swore no woman would ever control his life again.

This is hindsight, of course, we had no idea this was the case when we said, “I do.” We began to keep secrets from each other. It basically boiled down to one underlying problem. He didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. We both saw the other as the enemy.

To make the long story short, I began to read my Bible, and things concerning marriage began to pop out all over the place. I realized that being my husband’s helpmate did not mean that I had to become a meek, trod-upon waif. Instead, I could stay the strong woman that I was and still prefer my husband over myself. Once I began to trust my husband not to run over me, and I understood that I wasn’t going to become a doormat, he responded in kind. I started trusting him with my life instead of being in complete control. Amazingly, the same thing happened to him as he began to trust me with his life.”

Where this revelation and metamorphosis does not take place, there is either all-out war, unilateral surrender, or an uncomfortable détente. The latter is a state in which nothing is shared because sharing is evidence of a loss of control.

Because of family wars, dating wars, and inner wars, the end is too often the tragedy of not being able to connect with comfort, with trust.

Change is possible. The first change must be in ourselves, in our attitude, and perspective, and reactions, and that trust is a decision – one without a guarantee, and that’s what makes change a brave thing to do. These acts of supreme risk give us the most potential return.

Power struggles may leave you “on top,” but they also basically leave you alone. There is no real intimacy where power and control are exercised. While it is true that bad experiences with violent or untrustworthy or philandering partners can leave you armed- for-bear-in-making-sure-this-doesn’t-happen-to-you-again, it is also true that shooting before you see the whites of their eyes (or black of their hearts) leaves your relationship dead.

Butterfly Effect | The Butterfly Effect

Butterfly Effect | The Butterfly Effect

No one like you has ever before been created - no one with your dreams, goals, visions, or purpose. This inspiring movie reminds us that when we live a life of permanent purpose, every thing we do in our lives matters. Then we can experience the joy and benefit of our purpose, both in our lives and in the lives of others.

There is Only Me!

Some of what makes people self-centered in relationships has to do with immaturity, lack of experience, poor role models, personality styles, habit, self-protection, and some combination of the above.

Being on my own for so long, I got very used to taking care of myself and if I was hurt or in any type of bind, no one else had to know about it and it really just wasn’t their business anyway. When I became engaged five years ago, this affected our relationship greatly because it took me a while to realize that I can’t become one with someone and still behave like the Lone Ranger. I had to share my thoughts, what I had, and very personal information. That wasn’t easy, but I have to thank God for a patient and tolerant man who is now my husband. He taught me a lot and helped me realize he was there to help, not hurt me, and I didn’t have to do everything on my own.

As many people who might have gone through decent therapy have learned, it is not unusual for them who have suffered to take it out on their spouses – a kind of “I suffered at the hand of another so now you owe me!” mentality.

Some folks grew up in a sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive homes. Most of the students I teach everyday have a rough home life. They, too, will become adults someday. While it is not unusual for people hurt as children to react in such a chaotic way, pushing away values and good people and good experiences out of unresolved historical anger, a fear of hurt or loss, or a discomfort with normalcy after so much chaos, the solution always is love, bonding, commitment, purpose. The solution always is getting back on the soul train someone threw you off.

That “pain” isn’t always from childhood, although those experiences do have an impact on how you handle challenges along the way. Some people have had terrible experiences, which they generalize to all relationships.

A friend of mine puts “pain” in this tune…

“I find that people find it easy to see the demons in others because they have not faced the demons within themselves.... it is easy to be judgmental and righteous because people think they are perfect.... it takes a lot of courage and humility to face our own demons and declare to the world that we have sinned...after we have done this, it takes character and faith to strive to be a better person... let's all stop pretending that there is someone in this world who have not sinned...I prefer to learn from my experiences, forgive others and forgive myself and strive to be the best I can be... we all learn from pain, from our experiences and from others as well, and yes I also choose to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned with others....”

I call this a case of “self-protectiveness” and oboy it is something real and happening in many people’s lives.

Self protectiveness is alienating and lonely. Somehow, the person has chosen risk over safety, and without risk there is no gain, and without gain there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no peace and safety that comes from being known and loved.

ASSumption vs. Communication

Some people are just too sensitive. Listen, I’m not sniffing my nose at sensitivity. Without it we all become concerned only with ourselves. It is sensitivity that tunes us in to others. When that sensitivity is turned on maximum, we sometimes become concerned only with ourselves. The surefire way to modulate that necessary sensitivity is through communication.

I still am ferociously amazed at how willing so many folks are to react, condemn, and annihilate, and how many of those same folks are absolutely struck dumb when it is suggested they actually check to make sure their reactions are warranted. “Don’t shoot ‘til you see the whites of their eyes,” could be translated into “Don’t shoot ‘til you hear it from their lips.”

One of the most significant dimensions of being an adult is to recognize that the world does not rotate around you or me or any one person as an axis. We are all on the spinning globe together. Everyone else has a life. Communication is the only means we have of bridging that natural gap. Without communication we only have assumptions. And you know what assumptions usually make of us? Check out the first three letters of the word assumption for the answer.

It is sad that miscommunication exists as a problem. It is ugly if there’s no direct communication at all. It is uglier and a serious problem when one person expects the other to mind-read and gets angry when he or she doesn’t even “know” the real deal.

Communication is the most important key to just about every interpersonal problem. Perception, that is, how a person uniquely sees and interprets an event or comment, can make or break a relationship or friendship. Perception is the twin of Assumption. Their powers are destructive.

Not all communication is done the “right way.” And not everything that comes out of your mouth, under the supposed banner of communication, ought to come out.

Here lies an important point: What are the limits of communication? The limit is when you get abusive, hurtful, nasty, sarcastic, cutting, threatening, and… well…you know from the experience of being on the receiving and giving end how that can go.

You need instead to communicate with information, praise, helpfulness, coming from a place of love, not from a place of selfishness or pettiness.

And while open, honest, and sensitive communication is a necessary antidote to building a mountain of resentments from a molehill of petty complaints, sometimes the river of frustration can’t be permanently dammed up.

There is an opportune time in one’s life to seek intervention. When our personality and behavior is destructive and repetitive, it is time for us to take some responsibility; not just because we’re driving someone else crazy, but because who needs to live each day with that constant trickle of paranoia? In fact, we have an obligation to bring our best selves to our relationships or friendships – that may require a diet, spiritual guidance, more baths, and psychotherapeutic treatment.

My psychological and counseling service is free to anyone who reads this blog.

Come and talk to me.

Communicate!

I Need to Be Needed

Making an identity, building an ego, feeling important through “rescuing others” makes those rescued your means to an end other than their welfare. It is more likely to be your doom when you’re just “trying to help.” I realized this today and a big sigh on that one. I needed “them” to improve myself because that is how I am measuring my own worth. Some people become workaholics to serve that inner god, others find broken friends and try to fix them. I belong to the latter’s demographics.

I lost two friends recently. Calling them "friends" was somewhat a big deal for me. But I thought to myself, if they were really true friends to begin with, I wouldn’t have lost them today.

Apparently, in my eyes, these two people just turn over their lives to whoever wants a piece because they interpret that behavior as that which will bring love and avoid all negative judgment or confrontation.

I have been friends with one of them for over a year. My mental imprint of her is -- she has a bad habit of letting people walk all over her – specially men! I attempted to talk to her about this, but she never would listen to my point of view. She even denounced me as her “life coach” and pretended to have full control of her actions, specially when they were positive and good. I have put up with this behavior once, but there is always a reason why we should forgive and forget. Now, she did it again! Sh**ting all over me, as if I was never a good person for her. Her behavior has started to make me feel worthless.

At first, it would seem that this person has a very weak personality. How sad. However, that is not the true story. This type of behavior is more self-serving than self-sacrificing. This type of behavior is generally about building a reputation through the flimsiest of means. This is sad because she cared about her reputation rather than her character.

Now allow me to look at the mirror for a second and have a dialogue with myself.

This is a point I’ve tried to drill myself many times: Your attempts to feel wonderful and important by having no boundaries or standards is self-serving and damaging. By the way, not holding people accountable for their actions doesn’t really help them. Repetitively saving their undeserving butt doesn’t mature them – but it does make you feel superior. And even reflex forgiveness at its worst does not suggest reissuing a “use me” proclamation – so don’t’ go touting forgiveness as your excuse. Please do note that along this route of self-congratulation, you willingly sacrifice the well-being and affection of those who really ought to count on you for support and protection. You are all too willing to sacrifice them for the “audience” in your mind, the folks at enough of a distance see you as a hero.

Oh yes, I was talking to myself back there. I should know better this time. As of today, I’m no longer in the business of fixing broken friends. God will fix their lives.

The Cinderella Syndrome

The story of Cinderella turns upon an invitation.

Up until the moment that the courier from the Palace arrives at her door, Cinderella’s life seems set in stone. She will always be a washerwoman, a cellar girl. Her enemies will forever have the upper hand. She will live a life of enduring disappointments, though she will suffer them nobly. No other life seems possible. This is her fate. Then, word from the Prince arrives – an invitation to a ball. It is at this point that all hell breaks loose. Her longings are awakened. Her enemies become enraged. And her life is never the same.

How gracious that it comes by invitation. As a woman, I realized, I don’t need to strive or arrange; I don’t need to make it happen. I only need to respond. Granted – Cinderella’s response took immense courage, courage that came only out of a deep desire to find the life her heart knew it was meant for. She wanted to go. But it took steadfastness to press through her fears just to get to the ball. It took courage not to abandon all hope even after she danced with the Prince. She ran back to the cellar, as we all do. But she became the woman she was born to be, and the kingdom was never the same. It is a beautiful fairytale.

How do you respond to your Lover’s invitation?

The invitations of our Prince come to us in all sorts of ways. Your heart itself, as a woman, is an invitation. An invitation delivered in the most intimate and personalized way. Your Lover has written something on your heart. It is a call to find a life of Romance and to protect that love affair as your most precious treasure. A call to cultivate the beauty you hold inside, and to unveil your beauty on behalf of others. And it is a call to adventure, to become the “help mate” the world desperately needs you to be.