When it comes to your relationship or love life, there can be too much of a good thing, particularly if you fall into the trap of showing off. Like an all-you-can-eat buffet, where what you want is quantity, the situation changes or disappears once the want has been sated. But in matters of the heart, do what you believe, which, like a banquet, is all about quality. Tend to what you need, consider those who rely on you for support and practice gratitude. You may find that you are surrounded by a cornucopia of abundance and in a position to share this bounty with others. The more you give, the less you will suffer want in the first place. Get back to basics and make a clean sweep of those things that are cluttering up your love life or distracting you from true commitment and sensual pleasure.
I think that now that I am older and married, I realized how at the beginning of my relationship with my (ex)husband, I would drop everything at the tone of my mother’s voice, or, if she would call. My husband would do the same with his parents. Now, the two of us realize that the only way that our marriage is going to work is if we make each other our #1 priority.
“When people are married, the parents have to step back, and the couple needs to step forward, away from their parents into their own space.”
Yes, indeed, but I can’t tell you how many stories I get from guys whose wives won’t move away from Mommy, won’t stop calling Mommy several times a day, won’t stop Mommy from just dropping in uninvited whenever she darn well pleases, and who won’t stop checking in with Mommy for an opinion on everything the couple is deciding. Now, obviously, this kind of woman is a very dependent personality, and any guy who picks her is looking for a cushy pillow instead of a partner. The mistake these guys make is in thinking that she will automatically change from her Mommy’s cushy pillow to his with a ceremony. Surprise!
This is no different when the guy is a “Momma’s Boy.” Women who pick these men actually want a guy who jumps through hoops at the mere mention, much less the sound, of a whistle. And they too think that the guy will take the whistle from Mommy and give it to Wifey. Wrong!
I’m now blessed with a husband whose Mom is thousands of miles away from where we live. I don’t get to deal with in-laws. But in the past, my first husband has always made it clear that his parents and siblings are more important in his life than I am. I have heard his parents say, ‘Blood is thicker than water,’ more times than I can count. I have also heard his Mom say, ‘We are family, everyone else is an outsider.’”
Your parents gave you life, but you shouldn’t allow them to see your priorities after you’ve ‘grown up.’”
People are often confused about their obligations to their parents compared with that to their spouse and children. Honoring your parents does not include dishonoring your vows or obligations in marriage. Honoring your parents does not mean that they get to, at their preference, make decisions in your life. It does mean that you must show respect and make sure they have the necessities of life – but it does not mean that you must sacrifice your family to do it.
Catering to the whims of a weak or demanding parent is clearly a perpetual motion machine and causes the direct destruction of your psyche and your marriage; it is a display of disrespect for your vows, commitments, and obligations to your spouse. Where there are serious needs, as with seriously ill or dying parent, those needs must be met with honor and compassion and compromise. Neither spouse should put the other in charge of his or her own responsibilities to parents. Since each spouse is obligated to bring his or her healthiest self to a marriage, where there are clear problems with inappropriate attachment to the original family, mental health assistance should be used.
The hardest thing to do is to look into a mirror with 100x enlargement – nobody cares to see their pores that big! It takes a lot of courage to face that, and I applaud a friend, for telling me some of her grueling past. One hour and a half of “our” past.
My first husband lied to me constantly for five years. His lies caused great pain to me and others and even got him in serious trouble with the law. My current husband is very honest, and I know deep down I can trust him totally, but when he answers my questions my immediate thought deep down is I wonder if he is telling the truth. He has proved my fears wrong time and time again. How do I stop my immediate feelings?
Obviously, I do not want a déja vu experience – but I create it in my mind with the excuse that I’ve been there and don’t want to be there again. That’s the irony – I create my worst fear. So here I am, finally married to a good guy, messing up the relationship because I am stuck in reverse gear.
So, how do you stop your immediate feelings? You don’t, is the answer. When you choose to not act on them by questioning him, checking up on him, being hostile toward him, or punishing him, all for nothing, then you automatically diminish the power of those feelings.
My husband made it clear this morning, “Hun, I would never do something to hurt you,” was what he said. I know I just have to believe this because the truth is, he never did anything to hurt me. The problem was me. I allowed myself to succumb to negative thoughts and look where it got me – nowhere. Oh wait, it led me somewhere – the past!
I’ve often said on my blog that the person you marry should be the one person in all the world with whom you can share your deepest, innermost, uncomfortable, shameful past and problems. Instead, many marry treating their partners as the enemy, not the ally.
My husband and I both went into our marriage with very specific ideas about what our marriage was not going to be about. So our ideas consisted of this: I refused to ever be run by a man again, and he swore no woman would ever control his life again.
This is hindsight, of course, we had no idea this was the case when we said, “I do.” We began to keep secrets from each other. It basically boiled down to one underlying problem. He didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. We both saw the other as the enemy.
To make the long story short, I began to read my Bible, and things concerning marriage began to pop out all over the place. I realized that being my husband’s helpmate did not mean that I had to become a meek, trod-upon waif. Instead, I could stay the strong woman that I was and still prefer my husband over myself. Once I began to trust my husband not to run over me, and I understood that I wasn’t going to become a doormat, he responded in kind. I started trusting him with my life instead of being in complete control. Amazingly, the same thing happened to him as he began to trust me with his life.”
Where this revelation and metamorphosis does not take place, there is either all-out war, unilateral surrender, or an uncomfortable détente. The latter is a state in which nothing is shared because sharing is evidence of a loss of control.
Because of family wars, dating wars, and inner wars, the end is too often the tragedy of not being able to connect with comfort, with trust.
Change is possible. The first change must be in ourselves, in our attitude, and perspective, and reactions, and that trust is a decision – one without a guarantee, and that’s what makes change a brave thing to do. These acts of supreme risk give us the most potential return.
Power struggles may leave you “on top,” but they also basically leave you alone. There is no real intimacy where power and control are exercised. While it is true that bad experiences with violent or untrustworthy or philandering partners can leave you armed- for-bear-in-making-sure-this-doesn’t-happen-to-you-again, it is also true that shooting before you see the whites of their eyes (or black of their hearts) leaves your relationship dead.
The saddest aspect of secrets in a relationship is that you are alone with your fears and problems. Obviously, that is counterproductive to intimacy. When there are sad and serious problems in a relationship, secrets are sometimes the means by which people try to hide from that truth. Instead of facing the problems, getting help, trying to change, or realizing the sick futility of their predicament, people will use the glue of secrets to shore up the dam. It ultimately doesn’t work.
I know a person who had to tell his girlfriend that he was cleaning the house instead of the truth that he was just watching his favorite tv series (perhaps Attack of the Show, House or Dexter?) and forgot to call her. He kept this as a secret instead of facing the fact that their relationship must be unhealthy, not allowing them to be an individual with responsibilities, rights, respect, and discipline. Secrets usually are kept to avoid a confrontation.
Clearly, this is not a relationship of loving, equally sharing, caring adults. This is a relationship of fear and domination – deceit and manipulation. Not much chance for improvement, repair, or relief when the truth is hidden. Secrets in this case replace dealing with truth and reality.
Another person I know was paying monthly bills when she suddenly realized an error she had made to the tune of $200. She then took the same amount from a savings joint account to make up for the deficit. She planned not to tell her husband. She didn’t want him to know that she goofed and wanted to avoid a fight. When he inquired about the savings account, she lied and said it was the amount it had been for a long time. But he found the savings book one morning and saw what she did. Oops! He demanded an explanation. But, as she gave him her reason, she began to see how stupid it sounded.
When you’re working on improving a relationship, making sure you look good or don’t get caught making errors or seem always to be right, are not the means to a healthy, loving relationship. First of all, they’re all about you – not about him or her or us! Keeping secrets about mistakes in judgement or action is a form of lying and can do serious damage to the relationship by hurting your credibility and trustworthiness. Probably one of the most important elements of a relationship is the confidence you have in the other person’s fundamental intent never to hurt you or the relationship.
In order to gain that credibility and trust, you must never give your partner an indication that you would be deceptive to avoid a confrontation, keep out of trouble, be held accountable, look bad, be wrong, or not be in control. The “us” has to be more important than that.
On the flip side, instead of making sure you look good, it does little for the long-term health of a relationship to protect your partner from him or herself.
Secrets make you live in fear.
All this said, there are times when truth becomes cruel and destructive. Perhaps we could call these “good secrets.” For example, you should never tell your partner that you’re turned off because of receding hairlines, ripples in thighs, sagging, postpartum breasts, crow’s feet, graying hair, slower gait, a few extra age pounds, and so forth. We all need to age gracefully and accept the aging and imperfections of our loved ones graciously.
Yes, you also should never tell your spouse that you’ve had sexy feelings about anyone real or unreal. Instead, you should remove yourself from that temptation and hike up your attention and affection with your partner. It’s amazing how being more attentive gets more back in return than just fantasizing in anger does.
Sometimes the worst secrets are the truths we keep from ourselves. It’s generally downhill from there.
Symptoms: Until now, the two of you have been inseparable, but suddenly, something is feeling a little off. You have noticed that he’s withdrawing (or she's withdrawing), or becoming critical. You’re pulling away, finding fault, fearing that you’ll become lost in your relationship, or feeling reluctant about getting too close.
Diagnosis:You’ve caught a case of commitment phobia – a kind of relationship flu.
Commitment requires us to enter into the give-and-take of adult relationships. Committed couples need to compromise, negotiate, and be more unselfish than most single people. The realization that you won’t always get your own way can leave you with cold feet – or in a cold sweat.
Why are we so scared? What makes us pull away from serious relationships when talk of living together, marriage, or even just becoming a committed couple comes up? A number of things, You – or your partner – may feel:
Intimidated about being sexually faithful
Wary about having to account to someone else for how you spend your time and money
Reluctant to make sacrifices, large or small
Nervous about giving your partner the level of attention you give yourself, or of giving him/her so much attention that you no longer attend to your own needs sufficiently
Afraid of being known intimately by your partner (Will he/she see me in the bathroom? Will he find out what I’m really like?)
You or your prospective mate may also have been hurt by a romantic partner in the past and may feel scared about trusting again.
The following tips can help you or your significant other move out of commitment limbo, one way or another.
If you’ve caught commitment phobia: Practice assertive behavior. Say “no” when you mean “no.” ask for what you need, and discuss your feelings. Promise yourself that you won’t lose yourself in the relationship, but will still work on meeting your own needs. And discuss your fears with your partner. Remember, commitment is a change to build love and intimacy. It shouldn’t be a trap.
If your partner is commitment-phobic: Try talking to him about his/her feelings – and back off just a little. Specially with men, reassure him that you like him as a friend. By giving him a little space, he may feel that you really want to get to know him and aren’t simply intent on becoming engaged, married, or committed for the sake of settling down.
But why be with a person who is inflicted with commitment phobia? There are those who are available and ready to get hitched. There are those who appear like they’ve suffered from this dreaded disease but are realistically grounded with the truth that “no man is an island” and will stick with you no matter what or who you are.
