Stupid Breakups: Who's fault?

“I broke up with a guy once for snoring while watching TV. Now, I didn’t tell him why – I just said I wanted to be friends. I also have had a guy with bad breath. That one I told why.” -- anonymous

A cyber friend wrote this on her facebook wall:

“I think the hardest part in break up is finding out that he had finally move on and doing well without you, while you’re still struggling to live life without him.” – Joan Jett

We’ll never know if these two folks meant that figuratively or literally; probably a bit’o both.

Fortunately, as for the first quote, I don’t get many of such from folks whose reasons for breaking up sound quite that stupid, but I am deeply concerned by the growing number of unnecessary and unwarranted relationship breakups based on “modern” notions of rights and happiness.

Shockingly, as I rummage through my readings, about two-thirds of divorces or breakups currently are sought by women. Yes it’s the women who want out! And my male friends tell me that their wives or girlfriends left because of “growing apart,” “not happy,” “feeling underappreciated,” “needs not being met,” “wanting to get to know another guy” “differences in changing goals or lifestyle,” “boredom,” and the old favorite, “find myself.”

It is important to note that violence, drug and alcohol abuse, neglect and abandonment, and promiscuous infidelity, which used to be the areas of complaint that women had about their husbands or boyfriends, are rarely the motivation for the woman to call it quits. In fact, it is usually the opposite. Some women seem willing to be more patient with these behaviors than to sustain themselves through the growth and effort needed for the maintenance and nurturance of a marriage/relationship when the only issue is moon spots or boredom.

I discredit feminism for this sad and sorry, embarrassing development in gender relations. “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” What the heck is this? Ok, let’s segue and talk about feminism for a moment, for I deem it necessary to lecture my kind. Feminists have emphasized men as the “evil empire,” oppressing their women with sex (one prominent feminist called all sex “rape”), child-bearing and child-rearing (that’s being remedied by abortions, day care, and surrogate mothering), and marriage itself (subservient, second-class citizenry). When women become “enlightened,” they leave. To what?

Every so often I find myself going on a tear about this very issue. I rant about the obvious negative impact on women, not to mention men, children, and society, by the warped notions of what feminists support. How does aborting babies from their bodies for reasons no more important than “timing” elevate a woman’s consciousness? How does shacking-up with some guy(s), becoming sexually intimate in a noncommitted relationship, elevate a woman’s spirituality? How does having babies out-of-wed-lock, with the concomitant problems with poverty, child care, and isolation elevate a woman’s status? Obviously it doesn’t. And, as I’ve asked time and again, “How have we women allowed such a stupid philosophy to destroy our lives, and that of our children and society?”

So in a large picture, feminism contributed to a massive number of stupid break ups.

Young women, brought up on all this feminist propaganda, are wary about marriage. Young men, brought up on all this feminist propaganda, are wary about women.

Men and women are being programmed to be wary and be careful about not getting “used.” Unfortunately, for too many folks, having to provide for his family, or having to raise children, is now being viewed as in that category of “being used.” In this day and age, a preponderance of men are convinced that marriage only benefits women, and so they become “matriphobic” – matriphobia being an extreme fear of marriage. (I did not make up this word. It was coined by a male lawyer friend who had a bad experience in marriage.)

In addition, the destructiveness of feminism has been the overall shifting of a society from the nobility of obligations, and commitments to an emphasis on rights without a balanced emphasis on “responsibilities.” Without a firm sense of responsibility to others and their needs and rights, we are a group of neurotic ants, each with our own selfish mission – and you can pretty well visualize that state of chaos! No wonder there’s prop 8 making its way in California – “Is the institution of marriage so messed up that the only happily married couple will be two men????? SMH.....I’m out!!” says one straight guy. So women, get a grip! Love ‘em straight guys, or lose ‘em!

Ok, here’s a slammer for all “still single folks” out there. Face it, it’s a fact, you cannot have in life, or from another person, all that you imagine you should, could, or would. Real life simply has more texture than that. Your boyfriend or girlfriend can not be “your everything.” He or she can not be the textmate, the phone pal, the chatmate, the book buddy, the beer buddy, the club buddy, the cyber bf/gf, the facebook buddy, the constant movie date, the couch potato buddy, the dinner date, the “querida,” the “fubu” or “boytoy/girltoy” rolled into an “exclusive one.” Additionally and realistically, can you really be all-of-the-above yourself? Even as you fantasize, can you imagine being all of what another person imagines they should, could, or would have? No, of course not. It’s that ugly movement toward self-fulfillment, with its protection of the self against the “destructive” needs of another (be it spouse/partner or children), that has caused the largest number of stupid breakups. So suck up to reality and cling to your fantasy. Better yet, PRAY to God that you'll be happy in a marriage or in single-blessedness.

People break up, cry, become lonely, then move on and find another potential partner because their previous partner isn’t enough. A vicious cycle eh?

Problems

All God's children have problems. Big problems or many problems certainly cut into our sense of feeling happy. Even then, sharing burdens with your partner, friends, family, rather than taking out our unhappiness on them, is, of itself, a kind of happiness. Perhaps the perspective we most need in times of strife is to realize that even this seeming major catastrophe is “a small bump on the road to eternity.”

Neither you nor your relationship is or will be perfect. That should not stop you from doing the caring, thoughtful, brave, and compassionate things you need to, to bring pleasure into the lives of your family. And that should not stop you from enjoying the value of what you are privileged and blessed to have – if you would only see it that way.

If you’re not happy, try behaving as though you were – see how that lightens life up for you, your partner, your friends and your family, and how that feeds back, lighting up the world.

Many thanks to Mike Olaya for the graphic art.

Out of Weakness

Many of you have gotten into, and stayed in, relationships that you knew from day one were wrong. A feeling within you told you that this man or woman, though he or she had some good qualities, was someone you’d be better off without.

Why did you stay? Simple. You wanted to be happy. And this situation and person were available. You hoped it would work out, because if it did, you’d be happy. And, in between, the ugly parts, you think you are happy.

I have found it astonishing how hard people will work with the wrong person in order to be happy – when they are so willing to throw out the right person when times are difficult. Why does the former individual struggle when he or she shouldn’t, and the latter person not work at it when they should?

The answer, I think, is a paradox. In both cases, you say you want intimacy and happiness. But, in both cases you are avoiding real intimacy. In the first scenario, trying to make a round peg fit into a square opening ultimately doesn’t work. Trying to make a bad choice work doesn’t work. No happiness results, of course, but there is no real threat to one’s ego either. In other words, the reason you’re not “close” is the other person. You are now absolved and alleviated from the responsibility of personal responsibility and growth. Struggling to make things work with someone not psychologically available for intimacy is a noble struggle, giving you superiority and an external excuse for your problems.

In the second scenario, dumping the good partner for “happiness,” instead of working as hard as in the former situation, is yet another way of preserving ego: You are not happy because of your partner. If you stayed and worked harder, you’d have to face the fact that you are contributing to your own unhappiness and problems, with either/or behavior/attitude. That’s too uncomfortable, so bye-bye.

In neither situation do you have to change. That you are ultimately unhappy is your sacrifice to preserve your rickety sense of self.

Out of loneliness, one will settle for over a year until someone opens that person’s eyes. A friend will tell you how it was not so bad to be without a partner. So a break-up happens. And, as a good preacher once said, “Don’t try to look for the right one, BE the right one.” And that is what we all ought to do now.

That’s right! The match we make for ourselves is a reflection of ourselves. In other words, the more you complain about your partner, the more you telegraph your own weaknesses. For example, when you’re not happy because the other is “controlling” – it’s because you were willing to give up happiness to hide your weaknesses.

Abusing yourself, disrespecting yourself, allowing others to abuse and disrespect you, not living by deeper values, may make for some fun moments, even some satisfying moments, but you will not be happy in any more profound, long lasting sense.