The Curse

One of my loyal readers, Erick, was fascinated by this concept: “the Fall of Adam and Eve brought to mankind an everlasting curse.” For some of you who are not familiar with this story, once upon a time, a wonderful life was shared by this lovely couple in the Garden of Eden with their Creator.

When the world was young and we were innocent – both man and woman were naked and unashamed. Nothing to hide. Simply… glorious! And while the world was young, a corner was turned. Something happened. Alas!

There are no words. Wail; beat your chest; fall to your knees; let out a long, lonesome howl of bitter remorse. The woman was convinced by the serpent! Just like that. In a matter of moments. Convinced of what? Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust Adam’s heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands. And so she did. She is the first to fall. In disobeying God she also violated her very essence. Eve is supposed to be Adam’s ezer kenegdo, a “help mate,” like one who comes to save. She is to bring him life, invite him to life. Instead, she invited him to his death.

So the curse was inevitable…each of them received it.

To the woman, Eve, he said,

“I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you,”

To the man, Adam, he said,

“Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you.” (Genesis 3:16-18)

To the very least this sounds like a magical tale where a hero emerges and tries to stop the curse from happening.

Sadly, this is no gimmick. This is not anime. It is the truth.

Now, it would be good for us to give careful attention to all that has unfolded in the Garden of Eden – especially the curses God pronounced – for the story explains our lives today, east of Eden.

For one thing, the curse on Adam cannot be limited only to actual thorns and thistles. If that were so, then every man who chooses not to be a farmer gets to escape the curse. Take a white-collar job and you’re scot-free. No, the meaning is deeper and the implications are for every son of Adam. Man is cursed with “futility” and “failure.” Life is going to be hard for a man in the place he will feel it most. Failure is a man’s worst fear.

In just the same way, the curse for Eve and all her daughters cannot be limited only to babies and marriage, for if that were true then every single woman without children gets to escape the curse. Not so. The meaning is deeper and the implications are for every daughter of Eve. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man), and with the dominance of men (which is not how things were meant to be, and I am not saying it is a good thing – it is the fruit of the Fall and a sad fact of history.)

Women, isn’t it true? Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational – aren’t they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can’t you see how much you need to have things under your control – whether it’s a project, an assigned task or a marriage? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven’t you felt “this is a man’s world,” made your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? We are not “inviting” a man to like us – we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security.

When a man goes bad, as every man has in some way gone bad after the Fall, what is most deeply marred is his strength. He either becomes passive, weak man – strength surrendered – or he becomes a violent, driven man – strength unglued.

When a woman falls from grace, what is most deeply marred is her tender vulnerability, beauty that invites to life. She becomes a dominating, controlling woman – or a desolate, needy, mousy woman. Or some odd combination of both, depending on her circumstances.

Know your curse.

All Is Well

One day before my birthday in 2007, I wrote this poem. I stumbled upon it today and it made me smile. There's this giddiness in my heart that transcends through the eternity of it's deepest abyss. I read it over and over. And while reading, my brain was on multi-task mode, thinking of what I have gone through in such a span of time. Let me now share this poem to you...

ALL IS WELL - Kristin Shimizu

April 30, 2007

My present seems unstable, the future I can’t tell.
The pressures of life toss me to and fro, as if I’m going through hell.
But down, deep in my spirit, I hear a voice saying, "all is well."
Heartaches, despair, and dismay are on the Increase;
War is constant, there seems to be no peace.

Love, joy, happiness, and my finance are on the decrease.
My life seems so short as if it will soon seize.
But down, deep in my spirit I hear a voice saying, “all is well.”
I was on the verge of backsliding, from grace I fell.
Life seems so confusing, I couldn’t add nor spell.

It is said after a storm there is calm.
But in my situation after my storm, tornados,
earthquakes and hurricanes, batter me from side to side.
All of life’s pain, I almost lost my mind,
I was sure I was going insane.

I felt tormented as if I was under a spell.
But I kept hearing the voice saying, “all is well.”

I stop; I pause, eject, rewind, fast forward and play.
But it was if I was dumbstruck, I didn’t know what to say.
I felt absent from GOD, not reading my bible,
No fasting, much less to pray.

I cut and paste, edit, enter then delete.
No money, no supermarket, nothing to eat.
But I kept hearing the voice saying, “all is well.”
My situation seems ever worse; it was dark like midnight.
I felt sad and fearful, I was overwhelmed with fright.
The enemy thought I was defeated; No victory for me in sight.

Then suddenly, I heard a sound!
The abundance of rain.
I felt an outpour of the oil of joy, for all my mourning and pain.
My visions became a reality; my nightmares were out of sight.
My steps were ordered again, the outcome was right.

Yesterday all seems lost, but my tomorrow looks bright.
All this was possible because of The Light.

He is the voice that beckons to you and me, “all is well.”

“All that I brought you through, was for Information to be gained,
and a message to tell.
Go, say to the world, that without Me your all is not well.
I Am The First and The Last, Beginning and The End.
Well done my good and faithful servant
Your all is well.”

Anatomy of Love

“When you feel excited, safe and emotionally attached with a person, does it mean you’re in love?” – Sheila (from Sunday’s Facebook Wall)

Love makes your heart dance when the phone rings or when you’ve got email. Love makes you sit up until sunrise fretting after your first fight. It’s what compels a man and a woman to stand at the altar and profess their devotion “as long as you both shall live.”

And love is extraordinarily important: It drives us to unite and create another person together.

Love is really our ancestors whispering in our ears. It was part of Mother Nature’s grand plan that you would meet your husband, fall head over heels in love, have a baby or two, and perpetuate the human race. We are simply programmed to fall in love.

That’s the easy part.

The hardest part is staying “in love.” You’re bowled over with these overwhelming sensations that come with being in love. You feel like you’re going to be walking on air forever. And suddenly, you hit the ground. That’s because while love itself is completely natural, our expectations of it are decidedly unnatural. Evolution defined love as the force we need to produce children. That’s all. We have defined love as something that will give us companionship and happiness for the rest of our lives. And we’re not quite designed for that.

That’s not to say that staying in love can’t be done, however. Fortunately, love is one of those rare areas where you can fool Mother Nature. You just need to know how she works.

Ok, so here is how it works: The Anatomy of Love.

Certain animals do what scientists call pair bonding. And in humans, love is part of that process. Humans have evolved three emotion systems of brain activity that compel us to go out and find a mate.

The first is lust. Lust is driven by testosterone, a hormone that both men and women produce, although women have less that men. Lust’s sole purpose is to get you out there looking for someone.

The next emotion is attraction, or romantic love. Attraction is activated when you find Mr. Right. When you feel romantic attraction, your brain is flooded with natural amphetamine-like uppers such as dopamine, which cause the punch-drunk exhilaration, giddy energy, and reduced appetite associated with passionate love.

Next comes attachment. Often, after about one year, the high begins to wear off, perhaps because your brain steps up production of what could be called cuddle chemicals: vasopressin and oxytocin (chemicals that produce feelings of relaxed satisfaction and attachment).

So what goes stale?

Sometimes, after about four years, those feelings of serenity and attachment begin to turn to boredom. This is what people go through when they feel like they’ve fallen out of love. It’s no coincidence that around the world, divorce (or separation) occurs most often at the four-year point in a marriage. In some cases, “two years” is the new “itch.”

That’s why as years of marriage go by, you may have periods when you don’t exactly feel “in love” with your boyfriend/husband all the time.

“Falling in love is natural. Staying in love is not always natural.”

Everybody is Free to Wear Sunscreen

One of the tough realities a growing child has to face as he/she matures is that they are not the center of the universe. It’s easy for a small child to feel that he or she is the center of the universe when every gurgle and scribble is oohed and ahhed about by parents and relatives. The first time that their kindergarten teacher tells them they can’t take that crayon away from Mary, or that Johnny gets to go first, or that their drawing needs work, children recognize that life is a cooperative effort.

Some don’t give up being the center of the universe easily, and getting attention and becoming the focus of others takes on many forms – some healthy, some not. It’s all a matter of degree and balance. Some become entertaining, or even entertainers. Some become “needed,” some become utterly dependent, some become perpetually ill, and so forth.

All in all, the “I must be in the spotlight” mentality generally brings darkness to the family.

It is important to watch that ego! The ego-trap is an easy one for people to fall into. Being good at something makes one feel important – that too often leads to a sense of entitlement – that moves right into a sense of superiority – and that collapses relationships.

So, is everybody free to wear sunscreen?

You bet!

Yana, thanks for showing this video to me. Now I think it is too late for me to use sunscreen. Besides, I'm allergic to it. Poor me.

My Guy is the Silent Type

Yana and I have been talking for some weeks now. She told me about this one particular guy she likes, which to hide his identity, we will call Chocolate. She told me how she misses him. She told me how Chocolate hasn’t been responding to her messages promptly but out-of-the-blue. I wondered, is he ignoring her, is he being distant, or is he simply the Silent Type?

How many of you ladies out there have dated this type of guy? How many of you have been attracted to this type?

Dating a man of few words can be refreshing. Even gratifying -- at first. His silence is attractive. You talk, he listens. He seems strong and assured. You feel appreciated.

But as time progresses, listening may not be enough. You want to know him better. You want him to respond to you. Talk to you. Entertain you. Tell you how you’ve turned his world upside down. But he does none of the above.

What’s going on?

I think that a silent man may simply be shy. He may be a sensitive type who’s trying not to dominate the conversation. He may be a regular guy who simply doesn’t divulge the intimate details of his life as readily as you would – a common difference between men and women. Or, he could be the classic “silent type” – a rugged, emotionally remote individualist a la geek.

As little boys, men learn to harden themselves to emotions that make them feel vulnerable. They’ve given messages such as “Boys don’t cry.” “Be a man – not a sissy.” And “Compete, compete, compete.” As a result, while a silent type may look strong, in fact he often has great difficulty expressing or discussing emotions – something that can hinder or harm an intimate relationship.

How can you discern what’s really behind his silence?

Draw him out – gently. Ask open-ended questions about his interests. For example, instead of, “So you play basketball three nights a week?” try, “Tell me why you get such a big kick out of basketball.” Shy people actually love to talk – but only when they feel comfortable. If he gives you one-word answers, ask him to expand on it. You may discover he isn’t a silent guy at all!

Don’t judge. Shy guys and strong, silent types alike don’t like to be grilled about their vocal styles. Don’t make a reticent man feel self-conscious. Don’t call attention to his lack of words. It will just make a shy man clam up. Further, pointing out his vocal style could annoy or even enrage an entrenched silent type.

Set your own tolerance level. If he doesn’t become chatty after a few dates, you need to decide whether or not you feel comfortable with a man of few words. Remember, emotional support comes in more ways than one. If he’s there for you and let’s you know he cares, that may be enough. Some women don’t like talkative men. As they say, “talk is cheap.” And isn’t it that action speaks louder than words?

On the other hand, if he seems uncomfortable when you discuss emotional issues, the two of you may have difficulties in the future dealing with conflict and with the inevitable emotional ups and down of life.

It’s your choice actually. Don’t blame him if “he doesn’t wanna talk.” Don’t change him either. He was a silent type right from the get-go.

And when everything fails, leave him alone. He'll know where to find you, he'll know what to say to you -- when he's ready!

Or uhm, maybe he's just not into you?

Stupid Breakups: Who's fault?

“I broke up with a guy once for snoring while watching TV. Now, I didn’t tell him why – I just said I wanted to be friends. I also have had a guy with bad breath. That one I told why.” -- anonymous

A cyber friend wrote this on her facebook wall:

“I think the hardest part in break up is finding out that he had finally move on and doing well without you, while you’re still struggling to live life without him.” – Joan Jett

We’ll never know if these two folks meant that figuratively or literally; probably a bit’o both.

Fortunately, as for the first quote, I don’t get many of such from folks whose reasons for breaking up sound quite that stupid, but I am deeply concerned by the growing number of unnecessary and unwarranted relationship breakups based on “modern” notions of rights and happiness.

Shockingly, as I rummage through my readings, about two-thirds of divorces or breakups currently are sought by women. Yes it’s the women who want out! And my male friends tell me that their wives or girlfriends left because of “growing apart,” “not happy,” “feeling underappreciated,” “needs not being met,” “wanting to get to know another guy” “differences in changing goals or lifestyle,” “boredom,” and the old favorite, “find myself.”

It is important to note that violence, drug and alcohol abuse, neglect and abandonment, and promiscuous infidelity, which used to be the areas of complaint that women had about their husbands or boyfriends, are rarely the motivation for the woman to call it quits. In fact, it is usually the opposite. Some women seem willing to be more patient with these behaviors than to sustain themselves through the growth and effort needed for the maintenance and nurturance of a marriage/relationship when the only issue is moon spots or boredom.

I discredit feminism for this sad and sorry, embarrassing development in gender relations. “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” What the heck is this? Ok, let’s segue and talk about feminism for a moment, for I deem it necessary to lecture my kind. Feminists have emphasized men as the “evil empire,” oppressing their women with sex (one prominent feminist called all sex “rape”), child-bearing and child-rearing (that’s being remedied by abortions, day care, and surrogate mothering), and marriage itself (subservient, second-class citizenry). When women become “enlightened,” they leave. To what?

Every so often I find myself going on a tear about this very issue. I rant about the obvious negative impact on women, not to mention men, children, and society, by the warped notions of what feminists support. How does aborting babies from their bodies for reasons no more important than “timing” elevate a woman’s consciousness? How does shacking-up with some guy(s), becoming sexually intimate in a noncommitted relationship, elevate a woman’s spirituality? How does having babies out-of-wed-lock, with the concomitant problems with poverty, child care, and isolation elevate a woman’s status? Obviously it doesn’t. And, as I’ve asked time and again, “How have we women allowed such a stupid philosophy to destroy our lives, and that of our children and society?”

So in a large picture, feminism contributed to a massive number of stupid break ups.

Young women, brought up on all this feminist propaganda, are wary about marriage. Young men, brought up on all this feminist propaganda, are wary about women.

Men and women are being programmed to be wary and be careful about not getting “used.” Unfortunately, for too many folks, having to provide for his family, or having to raise children, is now being viewed as in that category of “being used.” In this day and age, a preponderance of men are convinced that marriage only benefits women, and so they become “matriphobic” – matriphobia being an extreme fear of marriage. (I did not make up this word. It was coined by a male lawyer friend who had a bad experience in marriage.)

In addition, the destructiveness of feminism has been the overall shifting of a society from the nobility of obligations, and commitments to an emphasis on rights without a balanced emphasis on “responsibilities.” Without a firm sense of responsibility to others and their needs and rights, we are a group of neurotic ants, each with our own selfish mission – and you can pretty well visualize that state of chaos! No wonder there’s prop 8 making its way in California – “Is the institution of marriage so messed up that the only happily married couple will be two men????? SMH.....I’m out!!” says one straight guy. So women, get a grip! Love ‘em straight guys, or lose ‘em!

Ok, here’s a slammer for all “still single folks” out there. Face it, it’s a fact, you cannot have in life, or from another person, all that you imagine you should, could, or would. Real life simply has more texture than that. Your boyfriend or girlfriend can not be “your everything.” He or she can not be the textmate, the phone pal, the chatmate, the book buddy, the beer buddy, the club buddy, the cyber bf/gf, the facebook buddy, the constant movie date, the couch potato buddy, the dinner date, the “querida,” the “fubu” or “boytoy/girltoy” rolled into an “exclusive one.” Additionally and realistically, can you really be all-of-the-above yourself? Even as you fantasize, can you imagine being all of what another person imagines they should, could, or would have? No, of course not. It’s that ugly movement toward self-fulfillment, with its protection of the self against the “destructive” needs of another (be it spouse/partner or children), that has caused the largest number of stupid breakups. So suck up to reality and cling to your fantasy. Better yet, PRAY to God that you'll be happy in a marriage or in single-blessedness.

People break up, cry, become lonely, then move on and find another potential partner because their previous partner isn’t enough. A vicious cycle eh?

Shut Your Mouth!

Without gossip, much of human conversation would cease and Quiet would rule the land. What some people don’t get is what gossip entails. E! and the Kardashians and any reality TV are largely gossip. Yes even “Attack of the Show” is gossip. The tabloids major in gossip. Much of what passes for news is gossip. The internet is filled with gossip, specially in “chat rooms.” And a lot of what people talk about to each other under the umbrella of conversation is gossip.

People even gossip to themselves. Wall posts on facebook can be controversial and appear as gossip. I frankly don’t understand why people write disturbing, unflattering, scandalous things on virtual walls if they don’t intend someone to read them. So often, in reading those posts, it sounds more like a place to air things that ought to be disciplined, or an opportunity to vent the ugliest, weakest, most unfortunate parts of ourselves -- our thoughts and feelings. Perhaps that’s the venue of spiritual or psychological counseling – where at least the venting is toward growth or depth of understanding of oneself.

I have harped endlessly on how folks should not share their problems and complaints concerning each other with mutual friends or family. That’s right, your mother and siblings are reading your wall posts! They are likely simply to side with you – so much for an unbiased sounding board. Meanwhile, you’ve breached the sanctity of friendships, partnerships and serious relationships, having painted a one-sided portrait of “the-people-you- hate-but-love-to-scandalize.”

There were countless folks who regretted telling friends and family their gripes and problems in their relationships because after that relationship normalized again, friends and family were still polarized, rejecting, critical, even hostile to that person and the renewed relationship.

One facebooker writes on her wall…

“to mirabotz friends...
almost a yr & a half ago you watched me fell inlove then sadly & abruptly I was torn to pieces publicly when he ended it by his status update of a new relationship. It sucks, it hurts and it makes me want to retaliate. But no, there will be no public laundry-airing, instead I'm putting a closure ...on this relationship with poise and dignity. So to you Botz, kampay! I wish you the best!”

A practical and broad-reaching recommendation is this: That is to refrain from discussing personal matters with uninvolved parties. We women are certainly prone to spilling our guts out to each other for little to no reason. Futile! I’ve always regarded it as a form of dishonesty to tell half-truths of any kind.

Personally, I am now reduced to sharing only the most benign and anemic bits of information about my life. Before I became a blogger, I admit, the more I told them about myself, the more needy I appeared. No explanation could convince them of my sanity once their sage advice had been given. I failed to take into the account the destructive potential of an idle tongue.

Therein lies yet another problem in “sharing” personal information: When the advice isn’t taken, then you have trouble.