The saddest aspect of secrets in a relationship is that you are alone with your fears and problems. Obviously, that is counterproductive to intimacy. When there are sad and serious problems in a relationship, secrets are sometimes the means by which people try to hide from that truth. Instead of facing the problems, getting help, trying to change, or realizing the sick futility of their predicament, people will use the glue of secrets to shore up the dam. It ultimately doesn’t work.
I know a person who had to tell his girlfriend that he was cleaning the house instead of the truth that he was just watching his favorite tv series (perhaps Attack of the Show, House or Dexter?) and forgot to call her. He kept this as a secret instead of facing the fact that their relationship must be unhealthy, not allowing them to be an individual with responsibilities, rights, respect, and discipline. Secrets usually are kept to avoid a confrontation.
Clearly, this is not a relationship of loving, equally sharing, caring adults. This is a relationship of fear and domination – deceit and manipulation. Not much chance for improvement, repair, or relief when the truth is hidden. Secrets in this case replace dealing with truth and reality.
Another person I know was paying monthly bills when she suddenly realized an error she had made to the tune of $200. She then took the same amount from a savings joint account to make up for the deficit. She planned not to tell her husband. She didn’t want him to know that she goofed and wanted to avoid a fight. When he inquired about the savings account, she lied and said it was the amount it had been for a long time. But he found the savings book one morning and saw what she did. Oops! He demanded an explanation. But, as she gave him her reason, she began to see how stupid it sounded.
When you’re working on improving a relationship, making sure you look good or don’t get caught making errors or seem always to be right, are not the means to a healthy, loving relationship. First of all, they’re all about you – not about him or her or us! Keeping secrets about mistakes in judgement or action is a form of lying and can do serious damage to the relationship by hurting your credibility and trustworthiness. Probably one of the most important elements of a relationship is the confidence you have in the other person’s fundamental intent never to hurt you or the relationship.
In order to gain that credibility and trust, you must never give your partner an indication that you would be deceptive to avoid a confrontation, keep out of trouble, be held accountable, look bad, be wrong, or not be in control. The “us” has to be more important than that.
On the flip side, instead of making sure you look good, it does little for the long-term health of a relationship to protect your partner from him or herself.
Secrets make you live in fear.
All this said, there are times when truth becomes cruel and destructive. Perhaps we could call these “good secrets.” For example, you should never tell your partner that you’re turned off because of receding hairlines, ripples in thighs, sagging, postpartum breasts, crow’s feet, graying hair, slower gait, a few extra age pounds, and so forth. We all need to age gracefully and accept the aging and imperfections of our loved ones graciously.
Yes, you also should never tell your spouse that you’ve had sexy feelings about anyone real or unreal. Instead, you should remove yourself from that temptation and hike up your attention and affection with your partner. It’s amazing how being more attentive gets more back in return than just fantasizing in anger does.
Sometimes the worst secrets are the truths we keep from ourselves. It’s generally downhill from there.
