My Guy is the Silent Type

Yana and I have been talking for some weeks now. She told me about this one particular guy she likes, which to hide his identity, we will call Chocolate. She told me how she misses him. She told me how Chocolate hasn’t been responding to her messages promptly but out-of-the-blue. I wondered, is he ignoring her, is he being distant, or is he simply the Silent Type?

How many of you ladies out there have dated this type of guy? How many of you have been attracted to this type?

Dating a man of few words can be refreshing. Even gratifying -- at first. His silence is attractive. You talk, he listens. He seems strong and assured. You feel appreciated.

But as time progresses, listening may not be enough. You want to know him better. You want him to respond to you. Talk to you. Entertain you. Tell you how you’ve turned his world upside down. But he does none of the above.

What’s going on?

I think that a silent man may simply be shy. He may be a sensitive type who’s trying not to dominate the conversation. He may be a regular guy who simply doesn’t divulge the intimate details of his life as readily as you would – a common difference between men and women. Or, he could be the classic “silent type” – a rugged, emotionally remote individualist a la geek.

As little boys, men learn to harden themselves to emotions that make them feel vulnerable. They’ve given messages such as “Boys don’t cry.” “Be a man – not a sissy.” And “Compete, compete, compete.” As a result, while a silent type may look strong, in fact he often has great difficulty expressing or discussing emotions – something that can hinder or harm an intimate relationship.

How can you discern what’s really behind his silence?

Draw him out – gently. Ask open-ended questions about his interests. For example, instead of, “So you play basketball three nights a week?” try, “Tell me why you get such a big kick out of basketball.” Shy people actually love to talk – but only when they feel comfortable. If he gives you one-word answers, ask him to expand on it. You may discover he isn’t a silent guy at all!

Don’t judge. Shy guys and strong, silent types alike don’t like to be grilled about their vocal styles. Don’t make a reticent man feel self-conscious. Don’t call attention to his lack of words. It will just make a shy man clam up. Further, pointing out his vocal style could annoy or even enrage an entrenched silent type.

Set your own tolerance level. If he doesn’t become chatty after a few dates, you need to decide whether or not you feel comfortable with a man of few words. Remember, emotional support comes in more ways than one. If he’s there for you and let’s you know he cares, that may be enough. Some women don’t like talkative men. As they say, “talk is cheap.” And isn’t it that action speaks louder than words?

On the other hand, if he seems uncomfortable when you discuss emotional issues, the two of you may have difficulties in the future dealing with conflict and with the inevitable emotional ups and down of life.

It’s your choice actually. Don’t blame him if “he doesn’t wanna talk.” Don’t change him either. He was a silent type right from the get-go.

And when everything fails, leave him alone. He'll know where to find you, he'll know what to say to you -- when he's ready!

Or uhm, maybe he's just not into you?