I Need to Be Needed

Making an identity, building an ego, feeling important through “rescuing others” makes those rescued your means to an end other than their welfare. It is more likely to be your doom when you’re just “trying to help.” I realized this today and a big sigh on that one. I needed “them” to improve myself because that is how I am measuring my own worth. Some people become workaholics to serve that inner god, others find broken friends and try to fix them. I belong to the latter’s demographics.

I lost two friends recently. Calling them "friends" was somewhat a big deal for me. But I thought to myself, if they were really true friends to begin with, I wouldn’t have lost them today.

Apparently, in my eyes, these two people just turn over their lives to whoever wants a piece because they interpret that behavior as that which will bring love and avoid all negative judgment or confrontation.

I have been friends with one of them for over a year. My mental imprint of her is -- she has a bad habit of letting people walk all over her – specially men! I attempted to talk to her about this, but she never would listen to my point of view. She even denounced me as her “life coach” and pretended to have full control of her actions, specially when they were positive and good. I have put up with this behavior once, but there is always a reason why we should forgive and forget. Now, she did it again! Sh**ting all over me, as if I was never a good person for her. Her behavior has started to make me feel worthless.

At first, it would seem that this person has a very weak personality. How sad. However, that is not the true story. This type of behavior is more self-serving than self-sacrificing. This type of behavior is generally about building a reputation through the flimsiest of means. This is sad because she cared about her reputation rather than her character.

Now allow me to look at the mirror for a second and have a dialogue with myself.

This is a point I’ve tried to drill myself many times: Your attempts to feel wonderful and important by having no boundaries or standards is self-serving and damaging. By the way, not holding people accountable for their actions doesn’t really help them. Repetitively saving their undeserving butt doesn’t mature them – but it does make you feel superior. And even reflex forgiveness at its worst does not suggest reissuing a “use me” proclamation – so don’t’ go touting forgiveness as your excuse. Please do note that along this route of self-congratulation, you willingly sacrifice the well-being and affection of those who really ought to count on you for support and protection. You are all too willing to sacrifice them for the “audience” in your mind, the folks at enough of a distance see you as a hero.

Oh yes, I was talking to myself back there. I should know better this time. As of today, I’m no longer in the business of fixing broken friends. God will fix their lives.

The Cinderella Syndrome

The story of Cinderella turns upon an invitation.

Up until the moment that the courier from the Palace arrives at her door, Cinderella’s life seems set in stone. She will always be a washerwoman, a cellar girl. Her enemies will forever have the upper hand. She will live a life of enduring disappointments, though she will suffer them nobly. No other life seems possible. This is her fate. Then, word from the Prince arrives – an invitation to a ball. It is at this point that all hell breaks loose. Her longings are awakened. Her enemies become enraged. And her life is never the same.

How gracious that it comes by invitation. As a woman, I realized, I don’t need to strive or arrange; I don’t need to make it happen. I only need to respond. Granted – Cinderella’s response took immense courage, courage that came only out of a deep desire to find the life her heart knew it was meant for. She wanted to go. But it took steadfastness to press through her fears just to get to the ball. It took courage not to abandon all hope even after she danced with the Prince. She ran back to the cellar, as we all do. But she became the woman she was born to be, and the kingdom was never the same. It is a beautiful fairytale.

How do you respond to your Lover’s invitation?

The invitations of our Prince come to us in all sorts of ways. Your heart itself, as a woman, is an invitation. An invitation delivered in the most intimate and personalized way. Your Lover has written something on your heart. It is a call to find a life of Romance and to protect that love affair as your most precious treasure. A call to cultivate the beauty you hold inside, and to unveil your beauty on behalf of others. And it is a call to adventure, to become the “help mate” the world desperately needs you to be.

Flip a Coin Instead

One “unmarried” male reader asked me what my thoughts were about sex. Immediately the bipolarity of highs and lows made me think that perhaps this was the ultimate satisfaction he can get in keeping his relationship on the go. Spank me for thinking rude.

So what do I think of sex?

Here it goes.

I think the sexual revolution promised sex free of commitment and responsibilities, promiscuity without judgement, and intercourse without conception (the birth control pill with an abortion chaser) – just self-centered pleasure seeking.

I also think that the feminist movement taught us (both men and women) that this was all a good thing. “When women are freed from the shackles of morality, modesty, and marriage, then orgasms would be more frequent and more explosive.” Do you think I would really believe that? What actually happened was the loss of courtship, romance, chivalry, falling in love, commitment, and marriage. It does not appear that most women are particularly happy. The price for this liberation was so profound and personally devastating.

Sex has become a kind of sport for both men and women. Where once, a pregnancy precipitated assuming responsibilities, today men easily walk away as women are left with their freedom of abortions and unmarried parenthood. It is ironic that there is still such an emphasis on criticizing deadbeat dads for walking away, when an aborting mother is not seen as a deadbeat mom, though her decision actually brings death upon the scene. Sheesh! What’s the big deal about deadbeat dads when women can get sperm from a bank or an unsuspecting sexual partner and, like many movie TV celebrities, just be a “single mom” with no criticism? Sounds like women are speaking out of two sides of their mouths like two sides of a coin.

And what about “safe” sex?

There isn’t any.

The epitome of intimacy, the union of men and women in pleasure and procreation is anything but safe because it is a leap of trust. Forget the STDs, abortions, and the unfortunate illegitimate children, and think of the repetitive hurts of “serial monogamy” and the ultimate loneliness and emptiness that follow sex without context.

What do YOU think about sex?

Longing For Romance

A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she’s loved. We’ve seen this many times – you probably have too. Cut off from love, rejected, no one pursuing her, something in a woman wilts like a flower no one waters anymore. She withers into resignation and shame. The radiance of her countenance goes out, as if a light has been turned off. But this same woman, who everyone thought was rather plain and unengaging, becomes lovely and inviting when she is “pursued.” Her heart begins to come alive, come to the surface, and her countenance becomes radiant. We wonder, “Where has she been all these years?” or “Who is that woman?”

Her beauty was always there.

What happened to this woman was merely the power of romance releasing her true beauty, awakening her heart. She has come alive.

As women, we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity. We long for romance. We are wired for it; it’s what makes our hearts come alive. You know that. Somewhere, down deep inside, you know this. But what you might never have known is this…

This doesn’t need to wait for a guy.

God longs to bring this into your life Himself. He wants you to move beyond the childlike “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so.” He wants to heal us through His love to become mature women who actually “know” Him. He wants us to experience His Sweet Word. Our hearts are desperate for this. What would it be like to experience for yourself that the truest thing about His heart towards yours is not disappointment or disapproval but deep, fiery, passionate love? This is, after all, what a woman was made for.

Faithful obedience to God is vital, but it is not all God draws us to. It is not sufficient for our healing, no more than doing the laundry is sufficient for a marriage. And it will not be enough in the long run to carry us through. We need Romance!

God says He is our Lover. If you’ll open your heart to the possibility, you’ll find that God has been wooing you ever since you were a little girl. Yes, He longs for you. The story of your life is also the story of the long and passionate pursuit of your heart by the One who knows you best and loves you most.

God has written the Romance not only on our hearts but all over the world around us. What we need is for Him to open our eyes, to open our ears that we might recognize His voice calling to us, see His hand wooing us in the beauty that quickens our hearts.

What were the things that romanced your heart as a girl? Was it flowers and butterflies in the garden? Was it the fragrance of the air after a summer rain? These were all whispers from your Lover, notes sent to awaken your heart’s longings. And as we journey into a true intimacy with God as women, He often brings those things back into our lives, to remind us He was there, to heal and restore things that were lost or stolen.

Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God’s version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees and lush gardens.

This romancing is immensely personal. It will be as if it has been scripted for your heart. He knows what takes your breath away, knows what makes you heart beat faster. We have missed many of His notes simply because we shut our hearts down in order to endure the pain of life. Now, in our healing journey as women, we must open our hearts again, and keep them open. Not foolishly, not to anyone and anything. But yes, we must choose to open our hearts again so that we might hear His whispers, receive Him as our Lover.

God had already proven His love for you. He had sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for you. He had rescued you. He had paid the highest price imaginable for you. He had given you all of creation to speak of His great glory and love, and He had given you His Word in all its depth and beauty. God delights in revealing Himself to those who will seek Him with all their hearts. He is an extravagant, abundant Lover, and He loves to reveal His heart to us again and again.

Would you like to receive an amazing gift from an intimate God? He has many for you and it comes in the form of blessings. Perhaps it would be good to ask, “Jesus, how are you romancing me now?”

I Don't Want to Grow Up!

Sometimes people don’t really want to grow up. Some of those people still get married – and some of those people have babies. All of those people hurt the ones they’ve vowed to protect.

The “I don’t wanna grow up” types believe that being married and having children should in no way curtail fun times.

Sometimes it’s their hobbies. Is playing Star Craft II for three consecutive days (non-stop) healthy?

Or, it’s hanging with the buddies. Is binge drinking okay during the work week?

These immature types choose their own immediate gratification over their obligations and well-being of their (supposed) loved ones.

It is very difficult to reach these folks. I remember a guy saying that his 27-year old girlfriend does not want to go out. She seems depressed for not having a job and for being away from him. She is waiting for him to marry her but her guy doesn’t have a job either. He is 31. Go figure!

The bottom line is that these types do not live to give anything, hence they make bad spouses and parents – and they show their spots when you’re dating. Yes, the signs were there when dating and these folks choose to ignore them. Some of you wish to be blind because “you’re in love” or you’re desperate, or you think it’ll change, or it seemed cute at that time.

Here’s another story from a young woman who ought to jump ship. She says that her boyfriend has a low-paying full time job. He doesn’t save his money because he wants to buy all of these new fool stuff. He has a car that runs pretty good and he has no ambition to move out and be independent of his parents. On the other hand, this young woman, have been on her own for five years and have a newer car, a decent job, and makes the same amount of money he does. This guy wants a brand-new-car and he can’t afford it. He doesn’t want to move away from home either. So she says, “his priorities as an adult are all backward and it drives me nuts!”

It drives me nuts that she even calls him a boyfriend!

Clearly, there is no evidence that he will be a committed, responsible, trustworthy, or competent husband or father.

He must be cute?

The Show - Lenka

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

Slow it down

Make it stop--

Or else my heart is going to pop

'Cause it's too much

Yeah, it's a lot

To be something I'm not

I'm a fool

Out of love

'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared but I don't show it

I can't figure it out

It's bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show 

The sun is hot

In the sky

Just like a giant spotlight

The people follow the signs

And synchronize in time

It's a joke

Nobody knows

They've got a ticket to that show

Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I dont know where to go, can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared but I don't show it

I can't figure it out

It's bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show oh oh oh 

Just enjoy the show oh oh oh

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared but I don't show it

I can't figure it out

It's bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show oh oh oh 

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum

dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum

dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back

I want my money back

I want my money back

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back

I want my money back

I want my money back

Just enjoy the show

Secrets

The saddest aspect of secrets in a relationship is that you are alone with your fears and problems. Obviously, that is counterproductive to intimacy. When there are sad and serious problems in a relationship, secrets are sometimes the means by which people try to hide from that truth. Instead of facing the problems, getting help, trying to change, or realizing the sick futility of their predicament, people will use the glue of secrets to shore up the dam. It ultimately doesn’t work.

I know a person who had to tell his girlfriend that he was cleaning the house instead of the truth that he was just watching his favorite tv series (perhaps Attack of the Show, House or Dexter?) and forgot to call her. He kept this as a secret instead of facing the fact that their relationship must be unhealthy, not allowing them to be an individual with responsibilities, rights, respect, and discipline. Secrets usually are kept to avoid a confrontation.

Clearly, this is not a relationship of loving, equally sharing, caring adults. This is a relationship of fear and domination – deceit and manipulation. Not much chance for improvement, repair, or relief when the truth is hidden. Secrets in this case replace dealing with truth and reality.

Another person I know was paying monthly bills when she suddenly realized an error she had made to the tune of $200. She then took the same amount from a savings joint account to make up for the deficit. She planned not to tell her husband. She didn’t want him to know that she goofed and wanted to avoid a fight. When he inquired about the savings account, she lied and said it was the amount it had been for a long time. But he found the savings book one morning and saw what she did. Oops! He demanded an explanation. But, as she gave him her reason, she began to see how stupid it sounded.

When you’re working on improving a relationship, making sure you look good or don’t get caught making errors or seem always to be right, are not the means to a healthy, loving relationship. First of all, they’re all about you – not about him or her or us! Keeping secrets about mistakes in judgement or action is a form of lying and can do serious damage to the relationship by hurting your credibility and trustworthiness. Probably one of the most important elements of a relationship is the confidence you have in the other person’s fundamental intent never to hurt you or the relationship.

In order to gain that credibility and trust, you must never give your partner an indication that you would be deceptive to avoid a confrontation, keep out of trouble, be held accountable, look bad, be wrong, or not be in control. The “us” has to be more important than that.

On the flip side, instead of making sure you look good, it does little for the long-term health of a relationship to protect your partner from him or herself.

Secrets make you live in fear.

All this said, there are times when truth becomes cruel and destructive. Perhaps we could call these “good secrets.” For example, you should never tell your partner that you’re turned off because of receding hairlines, ripples in thighs, sagging, postpartum breasts, crow’s feet, graying hair, slower gait, a few extra age pounds, and so forth. We all need to age gracefully and accept the aging and imperfections of our loved ones graciously.

Yes, you also should never tell your spouse that you’ve had sexy feelings about anyone real or unreal. Instead, you should remove yourself from that temptation and hike up your attention and affection with your partner. It’s amazing how being more attentive gets more back in return than just fantasizing in anger does.

Sometimes the worst secrets are the truths we keep from ourselves. It’s generally downhill from there.

Getting Un-Petty

“When someone hurts you, it is not always you that is the cause. Sometimes we look on the external too much, but today God has taught me that I need my focus not on the offense but on the ‘crying heart’ of the offender. They have their own brokenness that they see in you which makes a door for them to be unkind to you. Thank You Lord for this, what a very important and beautiful lesson.” -- Ara G.

I just had to click that “Like” button on facebook. I agree with Ara.

Many of the ideas in this blog have outlined the means by which people have gotten a grip on their pettiness.

So how does one become un-petty? Here are some ideas.

Pray more often. Prayer is not only calming, it is humbling and reminds you of your obligations to others. Since much of pettiness is ultimately anchored in a self-centered view of the world, spirituality helps you broaden your awareness and perspective. Pettiness is “self-focused” and is an opposite focus of spirituality. God’s laws are about compassion, understanding, obligations, consequences, patience, meaningfulness, and holiness. These concepts are bigger than any one of us and require giving of oneself in humility. So many people find this approach enlightening, exhilarating, and transcendent. It helps you with the bigger picture.

If it’s that important to you – you do it! I have told many people that instead of nitpicking others to death about how something must be done, do it yourself. Take responsibility over those things that you cannot seem to be flexible on. Perhaps if you then find yourself so overburdened, you’ll realize that doing it yourself is not the best or only way to go about things. Consider that it isn’t a choice between just “your way” or the “wrong way”; it’s “your way” and somebody’s else’s “your way,” which is just a different way; take the “wrong” part out. Whew, did I just confuse you there?

Teamwork is part of the blessing of a relationship. It is a far, far better thing you do to find ways to solve problems and grapple with issues as a team, rather than alone. It’s this teamwork that solidifies relationships; the mutual dependency will make you close. People too often forget that mutual dependency breeds a familiarity of affection that cannot easily be broken by gray hairs or an interloper. I've lost some friends because those "others" wouldn't want me to be a part of their team.

Risk not being perfect. Perfectionists care about how they look. Have fun being silly. Loosen up! Being a knucklehead helps most of the time when you need those giggles.

Communicate. We all heard about this. Communication is the most important element in relationship. Communication avoids assumptions and misunderstandings. Ultimately, it is better to know the truth of where you stand and how others experience you (as painful as those truths sometimes are) because it gives you the power to grow and it gives them the knowledge they need to love you more.

Stifle yourself. Sometimes it’s wise just to shut up. This is probably one of the more difficult anti-pettiness techniques – I know it is for me. When your stress level is high and you have so much to do, it’s tough not to lash out at anything that appears to add to your strain. Learn to use that moment to solicit support, not strike out in frustration. Mr. and Ms. Quiet comes in handy when you're not in the mood to click "Like" on your friend's facebook wall.

Basically, the cure for pettiness is working harder to treat your loved one or friends as though you love them. This one is self-explanatory.

Special thanks to Mike Olaya for the graphics. It has nothing to do with the topic, I was just being un-petty.