A Message for Women

The wounds that we received as young girls did not come alone. They brought messages with them, messages that stuck at the core of our hearts, right in the place of our “psyche.” Our wounds strike at the core of our femininity. The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result. As children, we didn’t have the faculties to process and sort through what was happening to us. Our parents were godlike. We believed them to be right. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us – the problem was with us.

Women are always looking for something to work on. Prayer, exercise, financial responsibility, a new hair color, more discipline. Why are we trying so hard? Don’t we know how amazing we are? Sometimes, what makes our search so frustrating is that we don’t know what is wrong with us. We simply fear that somehow we are not enough.

Many women feel that way, by the way. We can’t put words to it, but down deep we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. If we were the princess, then our prince would have come. If we were the daughter of a king, he would have fought for us. We can’t help but believe that if we were different, if we were better, then we would have been loved as we longed to be. It must be us.

Some women who were abused choose another path. Or, perhaps more honestly, they find themselves compulsively heading in another direction. They never received love, but they did experience some sort of intimacy through that abuse, and now they give themselves over to one man after another, hoping to somehow heal the wrongful encounters.

The vows we make as children are very understandable – and very, very damaging. They shut our hearts down. They are essentially a deep-seated agreement with the messages of our wounds. They act as an agreement with the verdict on us. “Fine. If that’s how it is, then that’s how it is. I’ll live my life in the following way…”

It’s taken a lot of years for me to sort through the wounds and messages that shaped my life. It’s been a journey for growing clarity, understanding, and healing. Year 2001 made me realize more clearly what the message of my wounds has been. That was the year of my divorce. The message that landed in my heart was that I was overwhelmed. My presence alone caused sorrow and pain for others. I got the message, “You don’t have a beauty that captivates me. You are a disappointment.”

And so, I made a vow in 2002. Somewhere in my heart, without even knowing I was doing it or putting words to it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention. My job in the world was to be invisible, to cause no waves. If I upset things at all, surely this ship would sink. So I began to hide. I hid my needs, my desires, my very heart. I hid my true self. And when it was all too much, I hid in that proverbial closet.

Fast forward to 2006, I married a strong and forthright husband who is not afraid of confrontation (he welcomes it even). When I felt to run and hide, he would come looking for me.

I was embarrassed by my immature behavior, felt foolish about my seeming inability to talk maturely through a disagreement. But I had never seen it done, and I didn’t know how, so my husband’s slightest disappointment in something I had done triggered my unhealed heart. It took four years for Kenji’s love and reassurance to begin to penetrate my frightened heart. I still remember the first time we were in the middle of a “disagreement,” and I was able to stay with him in the room. It took all of my will to keep one foot in the room while the other straddled the doorway of the bathroom, ready to retreat into contrived safety. It was a turning point. I’ve never hidden in that way again.

I did, however, begin to put on weight faster than you would think humanly possible. Unconsciously, I had found a new way to hide. I feared from the start of my marriage that at my core I was – and would always be – a disappointment to Kenji; that it was simply a matter of time before he realized it. The wounded little girl inside thought it would be better to hide. And my hiding, like everyone else’s hiding, made things much, much worse.

Fast forward to the last month of 2010, I am now changed! Again, Kenji has sought me, but this time in a quiet way. My husband prayed for me (and he is still praying for me). God heard his prayer – finally, I have come around. I thank God for my husband’s love, loyalty, determination, dedication, pureness of heart and trust. As Jesus said, she who seeks to save her life will lose it (Matt. 16.25). The vows we make and the things we do as a result of our wounds only make matters worse. I am happy and content today. If not for the protection of God, through my husband’s unconditional love, I’d probably still wonder what message is out there for me.

May we all have a godly and blessed year ahead!

I Have a Great Life

I have a great life. It's the best life. It was chosen by myself. Others may seem like they have amazing lives, but mine is really the best and most adequate one for me. I just have to live it proudly, and enjoy each experience, trying to learn from it.

The universe doesn't just plan 1 path. It plans multiple paths, so whichever choices you make in your life (''Take the bus or walk? Or maybe catch a cab?''), there'll be plenty of enriching experiences.

My life is a great life. If someone wants to partake in it, then good for them. But either way I'm still going to continue having a great life.

I'm worthy of love. And I AM LOVED. God and the angels love me unconditionally. And other people are just different reflections of me. I, like them, deserve to be loved.

Other people and me are parts of a whole, the same whole. Therefore, their happiness is also my happiness. When I make people happy, I am making myself happy.

Sometimes we learn from bad experiences. The perfect life does not have only joy. The balance between joy/euphoria/happiness, which keeps me motivated and positive, and emptiness, which helps me grow, is what makes each of our lives an amazing life.

The world is beautiful. Be it summer or winter, the world is amazing. Natural landscapes can be beautiful (from plains, to mountains, lakes, oceans, forests or swamps), but man-made landscapes (cities, villages...) are also incredible. Every landscape is worth looking at. The rain falling, moving clouds, the lights of the city, the stars, the moon, the movement of people and cars, wind shaking the leaves of trees... A different place is a different experience. And even the same place is always different, or feels different on different moments.

Each people I come across interact with my energy. Each person has their own special shine, and I am no exception. I must let my light shine through, instead of being scared of it. If I have a positive mindset, am confident in myself, respect others, and don't let the little tests the universe throws at me put me down, I will attract very good things, and make any environment I partake in much better for me AND for others.

Like stars have their own consciousness, I too have the potential to burn bright and warm like a little star. My own little star. With my own kind of light, and my own kind of gravity.

People Need to Work Harder at Marriage

One of the reasons I keep reminding people that “love is not enough” for a quality marriage is that emotions are labile, vulnerable, situational, unpredictable, and without an IQ. Commitment and respect for vows, promises, obligations, and tradition are much more worthy and predictable building blocks for a good relationship. You may get your “jollies” fantasizing about some movie star or neighbor, but nothing fills your heart with deeper affection (and perhaps passion) than watching the tenderness of your spouse with the children, having your spouse be compassionate and non-combative when you’re in a mood, or having your spouse be solicitous when you feel (and look) like garbage.

If you really think there is anyone who can sustain a happy, fulfilled state all the time, you’re wrong. You’re also wrong if you think there is some one person out there with whom you certainly would sustain a perpetual happy, fulfilled state. You’re also wrong if you think that the best of relationships don’t go through stages, and phases, and problems.

A stupid breakup occurred from my first marriage. I was “unhappy.” I’ve been used, physically and emotionally battered and despite my willingness to stay in that marriage, I was divorced because he wasn’t done "leeching" and womanizing. I encountered a good reminder on the web one day. “The Five Stages of Marriage” and they were: “Stage 1: Falling in love. Stage 2: Discovering the foibles, faults, etc. Stage 3: Deciding what to do about this new knowledge. Stage 4: (If you reach it) The hard work involved in getting through the realities of Stage 2. Stage 5: The glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.”

A light went on! Now I know that when the going got tough, I got going. WOW! What a revelation. The stupidity comes in when I consider the harm to my children and the pain I caused my ex-spouse. If I had known that relationships go through these stages, I think I would have been able to work through the problems. I’m back on the marriage train tracks again, so to speak, but I have become wiser and more patient in understanding what makes a marriage work. Alas, I know better how to keep my husband and children in check. I finally see the big picture. It's not about me, not about my spouse or children, but it's about having a solid relationship with God throughout the marriage.

I believe that millions of people would be able to work through their problems if they had that knowledge and support from their families, friends, and society at large. I will post an intriguing statement here for you to ponder: “Those who are married are happier, healthier, and wealthier.” Go figure.

In most cases, couples don’t try hard enough to stay together. They don’t talk about problems, try to identify the issues, or work them out. And they don’t take the time to remember what made them fall in love with each other.

I believe that most divorces are caused by materialism. In a way, our society is becoming corrupted by materialism. There is competition about having the best car, the biggest house, the nicest clothes – but no one seems to care about having the closest family, the most dinners together as a family, and ongoing friendships with family members. Though divorce has been used as the easy way out of the challenges of marriage and family, the three A’s – addiction, adultery, and abuse – justify divorce as a valid consideration. Quite honestly, I'm done putting up with these three A's and I thought of them as dragons to slay on a day to day basis. Finally, after battling out the quagmire of painful reality, I put these dragons to rest in peace!

A preponderance of divorced women are disgusted with what they put their children through. I’m not an exception to this demographic. I believe that parents should think more about their children than themselves and the world would be a better place. That means making your marriage work – and it does take work! When there are terrible problems, like the three A’s, it becomes a major challenge to consider whether or not to stay. When there is repentance (responsibility taken, true remorse, behaviors to repair and not repeat), there is hope. When there is no repentance, the hope is just postponed disappointment.

I think that people give up too easily on marriage when love, understanding, and forgiveness can help your partner remember what it was that caused them to commit to you in the first place. Giving up on a marriage without attempting to prove your love and worth is a stupid reason for a breakup. Each one must write "NO DIVORCE" on God's Solid Tablet and continue to live a life of truth, happiness and love.

The Challenge of Teaching English

California welcomed Kristin with a sweet surprise of diversity and multicultural phenomenon. In the Fall of 2001, when she applied for a teaching position in Compton, the principal who was interviewing her at that time asked if she had experiences in teaching diverse, multicultural groups of students. The reply was short and sweet – yes! Surprised at the immediate response, the principal repeated the question as if the teacher did not totally comprehend what she said. Right in front of the administrator was a young, Asian-looking, petite individual who had an Asian-sounding surname. Perhaps the teacher’s physical appearance already suggested that she taught in an exclusive Asian educational setting somewhere outside the United States. Before the teacher could even assimilate what was taking place in the principal’s mind, she composed herself and patiently waited for the principal to utter something. Was this African American principal warning her of the challenges a newbie would face in the hood? Alas, seeing that the teacher was uncomfortable with burrowing questions, she then explained the current condition in the community. Hispanics overwhelmingly increased and is still increasing to this day, in the neighborhood that was once predominantly African-American. A rapid influx of Mexicans, Peruvians, Spanish, Salvadorians, Guatemalans, Puertoricans and Colombians was prevalent, creating a massive Hispanic-American domain on the Compton map and surrounding cities. Particularly in Compton, being bilingual was a plus factor. Speaking and understanding Spanish guaranteed a teaching job. A smile followed as a bright light of ideas filled the room. The teacher knew three languages other than English. She was comfortable around people of color. On a positive note, she was more than willing and ready to teach English Learners. As the teacher breathed a sigh of relief, she thought, “This is where I belong.”

Similar experiences could be seen in other cities, and even states, across the country, where there are eager and not-so-eager English Learners filling up almost every language minority seat in American classrooms. Since the dawn of the No Child Left Behind (NCLB) – a nationwide law that drew much controversy, numerous accounts of administrators labeled teachers as highly qualified or incompetent; students were sorted out as English Only, English Proficient, or Limited English Learners. In this mix were communities embracing multicultural disparities and socio-economic barriers – all these occur equivocally, seemingly ambiguous to the basic principles of the teaching-and-learning process. Perhaps this is a paradigm shift that law-makers and education administrators have imbibed unto their compatriots’ mindset ever since the Great Immigration came into being, thus creating a ripple effect toward either educational advancement or chaos. Depending on whatever direction it leads to, the known occurrence passes a bleak tunnel to more law-making tasks as lawsuits are made as an attempt to extinguish an existing law, e.g. anti-bilingual education Proposition 227. As seen in most known legal cases, the more diversified denominations of people are involved in the gamut of absurdities, the more invitations of doubts and challenging tasks remain in the minds and hands of everyone in the teaching-learning web. Typically, English Language Acquisition Programs are immediately considered, assessed, applied, tried-and-tested-like-iron and then recycled. Such an atrocious cycle indeed! In a span of a decade, it is almost impossible to stick with one method or style of teaching, for it seems that no one has found the perfect combination yet especially now that technological advancement and virtual social hubs are insisting its way in the education realm. Teaching and learning is a never-ending, bottomless process which is new every morning. Oftentimes, teachers wound up frustrated and confused even when graced with a buffet of outstanding teaching skills or endowed with knowledge of best teaching practices within multicultural dimensions. Unpacking and delivering the state’s content standards become cumbersome in a classroom where teachers choose between pacing the district’s curriculum versus genuinely involving themselves in the lives of their students. Incidentally, bringing these elements into one cohesive entity keeps educators and law-makers on their tipsy toes.

One absolute lesson learned is this: When a teacher genuinely commits to teach Standard American English to immigrants, almost often, one’s teaching expertise or the-lack-of-it are set aside while altruism is welcomed. A great heap of understanding is required, especially in knowing the emotional, academic and linguistic issues of non-native speakers of English. To witness successful learning environments, teachers of English Learners must be able to 1) prepare these environments with a variety of manipulatives and print-rich walls; 2) use structured academic instruction; 3) encroach differentiated instruction while exposing students to the state standards; 4) connect with parents and the community and the most important factor is to 5) keep tabs with the student – by paying close attention to their learning habits or characteristics, family backgrounds, socio-economic status, legal immigration status, parents’ capacity to work and coping mechanisms, learning styles and modalities, living conditions, and previous schooling experience. This list may go on and on but the challenge of teaching in Bilingual and ESL classrooms in America will never go away. English Language Development is here to stay.

My Mother or My Spouse – “In-Laws Are Out-Laws”

I think that now that I am older and married, I realized how at the beginning of my relationship with my (ex)husband, I would drop everything at the tone of my mother’s voice, or, if she would call. My husband would do the same with his parents. Now, the two of us realize that the only way that our marriage is going to work is if we make each other our #1 priority.

“When people are married, the parents have to step back, and the couple needs to step forward, away from their parents into their own space.”

Yes, indeed, but I can’t tell you how many stories I get from guys whose wives won’t move away from Mommy, won’t stop calling Mommy several times a day, won’t stop Mommy from just dropping in uninvited whenever she darn well pleases, and who won’t stop checking in with Mommy for an opinion on everything the couple is deciding. Now, obviously, this kind of woman is a very dependent personality, and any guy who picks her is looking for a cushy pillow instead of a partner. The mistake these guys make is in thinking that she will automatically change from her Mommy’s cushy pillow to his with a ceremony. Surprise!

This is no different when the guy is a “Momma’s Boy.” Women who pick these men actually want a guy who jumps through hoops at the mere mention, much less the sound, of a whistle. And they too think that the guy will take the whistle from Mommy and give it to Wifey. Wrong!

I’m now blessed with a husband whose Mom is thousands of miles away from where we live. I don’t get to deal with in-laws. But in the past, my first husband has always made it clear that his parents and siblings are more important in his life than I am. I have heard his parents say, ‘Blood is thicker than water,’ more times than I can count. I have also heard his Mom say, ‘We are family, everyone else is an outsider.’”

Your parents gave you life, but you shouldn’t allow them to see your priorities after you’ve ‘grown up.’”

People are often confused about their obligations to their parents compared with that to their spouse and children. Honoring your parents does not include dishonoring your vows or obligations in marriage. Honoring your parents does not mean that they get to, at their preference, make decisions in your life. It does mean that you must show respect and make sure they have the necessities of life – but it does not mean that you must sacrifice your family to do it.

Catering to the whims of a weak or demanding parent is clearly a perpetual motion machine and causes the direct destruction of your psyche and your marriage; it is a display of disrespect for your vows, commitments, and obligations to your spouse. Where there are serious needs, as with seriously ill or dying parent, those needs must be met with honor and compassion and compromise.
Neither spouse should put the other in charge of his or her own responsibilities to parents. Since each spouse is obligated to bring his or her healthiest self to a marriage, where there are clear problems with inappropriate attachment to the original family, mental health assistance should be used.

The Past

The hardest thing to do is to look into a mirror with 100x enlargement – nobody cares to see their pores that big! It takes a lot of courage to face that, and I applaud a friend, for telling me some of her grueling past. One hour and a half of “our” past.

My first husband lied to me constantly for five years. His lies caused great pain to me and others and even got him in serious trouble with the law. My current husband is very honest, and I know deep down I can trust him totally, but when he answers my questions my immediate thought deep down is I wonder if he is telling the truth. He has proved my fears wrong time and time again. How do I stop my immediate feelings?

Obviously, I do not want a déja vu experience – but I create it in my mind with the excuse that I’ve been there and don’t want to be there again. That’s the irony – I create my worst fear. So here I am, finally married to a good guy, messing up the relationship because I am stuck in reverse gear.

So, how do you stop your immediate feelings? You don’t, is the answer. When you choose to not act on them by questioning him, checking up on him, being hostile toward him, or punishing him, all for nothing, then you automatically diminish the power of those feelings.

My husband made it clear this morning, “Hun, I would never do something to hurt you,” was what he said. I know I just have to believe this because the truth is, he never did anything to hurt me. The problem was me. I allowed myself to succumb to negative thoughts and look where it got me – nowhere. Oh wait, it led me somewhere – the past!

How to Cook a Husband

- from the "Moravian Cook Book" in Society of the Moravian Church, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 1910. Public Domain.

A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement. Some women keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words. Others roast them; some keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good, managed in this way, but they are really delicious when properly treated.

In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure and select him yourself, as tastes differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you know how to cook him. A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.

See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them alive. Make a clear steady fire out of love, neatness, and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this till they are quite done.

Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgement. Do not stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie too flat and too close to the kettle, and so becomes useless. You cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated, you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will keep as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.

Mine Enemy

I’ve often said on my blog that the person you marry should be the one person in all the world with whom you can share your deepest, innermost, uncomfortable, shameful past and problems. Instead, many marry treating their partners as the enemy, not the ally.

My husband and I both went into our marriage with very specific ideas about what our marriage was not going to be about. So our ideas consisted of this: I refused to ever be run by a man again, and he swore no woman would ever control his life again.

This is hindsight, of course, we had no idea this was the case when we said, “I do.” We began to keep secrets from each other. It basically boiled down to one underlying problem. He didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. We both saw the other as the enemy.

To make the long story short, I began to read my Bible, and things concerning marriage began to pop out all over the place. I realized that being my husband’s helpmate did not mean that I had to become a meek, trod-upon waif. Instead, I could stay the strong woman that I was and still prefer my husband over myself. Once I began to trust my husband not to run over me, and I understood that I wasn’t going to become a doormat, he responded in kind. I started trusting him with my life instead of being in complete control. Amazingly, the same thing happened to him as he began to trust me with his life.”

Where this revelation and metamorphosis does not take place, there is either all-out war, unilateral surrender, or an uncomfortable détente. The latter is a state in which nothing is shared because sharing is evidence of a loss of control.

Because of family wars, dating wars, and inner wars, the end is too often the tragedy of not being able to connect with comfort, with trust.

Change is possible. The first change must be in ourselves, in our attitude, and perspective, and reactions, and that trust is a decision – one without a guarantee, and that’s what makes change a brave thing to do. These acts of supreme risk give us the most potential return.

Power struggles may leave you “on top,” but they also basically leave you alone. There is no real intimacy where power and control are exercised. While it is true that bad experiences with violent or untrustworthy or philandering partners can leave you armed- for-bear-in-making-sure-this-doesn’t-happen-to-you-again, it is also true that shooting before you see the whites of their eyes (or black of their hearts) leaves your relationship dead.

Butterfly Effect | The Butterfly Effect

Butterfly Effect | The Butterfly Effect

No one like you has ever before been created - no one with your dreams, goals, visions, or purpose. This inspiring movie reminds us that when we live a life of permanent purpose, every thing we do in our lives matters. Then we can experience the joy and benefit of our purpose, both in our lives and in the lives of others.

There is Only Me!

Some of what makes people self-centered in relationships has to do with immaturity, lack of experience, poor role models, personality styles, habit, self-protection, and some combination of the above.

Being on my own for so long, I got very used to taking care of myself and if I was hurt or in any type of bind, no one else had to know about it and it really just wasn’t their business anyway. When I became engaged five years ago, this affected our relationship greatly because it took me a while to realize that I can’t become one with someone and still behave like the Lone Ranger. I had to share my thoughts, what I had, and very personal information. That wasn’t easy, but I have to thank God for a patient and tolerant man who is now my husband. He taught me a lot and helped me realize he was there to help, not hurt me, and I didn’t have to do everything on my own.

As many people who might have gone through decent therapy have learned, it is not unusual for them who have suffered to take it out on their spouses – a kind of “I suffered at the hand of another so now you owe me!” mentality.

Some folks grew up in a sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive homes. Most of the students I teach everyday have a rough home life. They, too, will become adults someday. While it is not unusual for people hurt as children to react in such a chaotic way, pushing away values and good people and good experiences out of unresolved historical anger, a fear of hurt or loss, or a discomfort with normalcy after so much chaos, the solution always is love, bonding, commitment, purpose. The solution always is getting back on the soul train someone threw you off.

That “pain” isn’t always from childhood, although those experiences do have an impact on how you handle challenges along the way. Some people have had terrible experiences, which they generalize to all relationships.

A friend of mine puts “pain” in this tune…

“I find that people find it easy to see the demons in others because they have not faced the demons within themselves.... it is easy to be judgmental and righteous because people think they are perfect.... it takes a lot of courage and humility to face our own demons and declare to the world that we have sinned...after we have done this, it takes character and faith to strive to be a better person... let's all stop pretending that there is someone in this world who have not sinned...I prefer to learn from my experiences, forgive others and forgive myself and strive to be the best I can be... we all learn from pain, from our experiences and from others as well, and yes I also choose to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned with others....”

I call this a case of “self-protectiveness” and oboy it is something real and happening in many people’s lives.

Self protectiveness is alienating and lonely. Somehow, the person has chosen risk over safety, and without risk there is no gain, and without gain there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no peace and safety that comes from being known and loved.

ASSumption vs. Communication

Some people are just too sensitive. Listen, I’m not sniffing my nose at sensitivity. Without it we all become concerned only with ourselves. It is sensitivity that tunes us in to others. When that sensitivity is turned on maximum, we sometimes become concerned only with ourselves. The surefire way to modulate that necessary sensitivity is through communication.

I still am ferociously amazed at how willing so many folks are to react, condemn, and annihilate, and how many of those same folks are absolutely struck dumb when it is suggested they actually check to make sure their reactions are warranted. “Don’t shoot ‘til you see the whites of their eyes,” could be translated into “Don’t shoot ‘til you hear it from their lips.”

One of the most significant dimensions of being an adult is to recognize that the world does not rotate around you or me or any one person as an axis. We are all on the spinning globe together. Everyone else has a life. Communication is the only means we have of bridging that natural gap. Without communication we only have assumptions. And you know what assumptions usually make of us? Check out the first three letters of the word assumption for the answer.

It is sad that miscommunication exists as a problem. It is ugly if there’s no direct communication at all. It is uglier and a serious problem when one person expects the other to mind-read and gets angry when he or she doesn’t even “know” the real deal.

Communication is the most important key to just about every interpersonal problem. Perception, that is, how a person uniquely sees and interprets an event or comment, can make or break a relationship or friendship. Perception is the twin of Assumption. Their powers are destructive.

Not all communication is done the “right way.” And not everything that comes out of your mouth, under the supposed banner of communication, ought to come out.

Here lies an important point: What are the limits of communication? The limit is when you get abusive, hurtful, nasty, sarcastic, cutting, threatening, and… well…you know from the experience of being on the receiving and giving end how that can go.

You need instead to communicate with information, praise, helpfulness, coming from a place of love, not from a place of selfishness or pettiness.

And while open, honest, and sensitive communication is a necessary antidote to building a mountain of resentments from a molehill of petty complaints, sometimes the river of frustration can’t be permanently dammed up.

There is an opportune time in one’s life to seek intervention. When our personality and behavior is destructive and repetitive, it is time for us to take some responsibility; not just because we’re driving someone else crazy, but because who needs to live each day with that constant trickle of paranoia? In fact, we have an obligation to bring our best selves to our relationships or friendships – that may require a diet, spiritual guidance, more baths, and psychotherapeutic treatment.

My psychological and counseling service is free to anyone who reads this blog.

Come and talk to me.

Communicate!

I Need to Be Needed

Making an identity, building an ego, feeling important through “rescuing others” makes those rescued your means to an end other than their welfare. It is more likely to be your doom when you’re just “trying to help.” I realized this today and a big sigh on that one. I needed “them” to improve myself because that is how I am measuring my own worth. Some people become workaholics to serve that inner god, others find broken friends and try to fix them. I belong to the latter’s demographics.

I lost two friends recently. Calling them "friends" was somewhat a big deal for me. But I thought to myself, if they were really true friends to begin with, I wouldn’t have lost them today.

Apparently, in my eyes, these two people just turn over their lives to whoever wants a piece because they interpret that behavior as that which will bring love and avoid all negative judgment or confrontation.

I have been friends with one of them for over a year. My mental imprint of her is -- she has a bad habit of letting people walk all over her – specially men! I attempted to talk to her about this, but she never would listen to my point of view. She even denounced me as her “life coach” and pretended to have full control of her actions, specially when they were positive and good. I have put up with this behavior once, but there is always a reason why we should forgive and forget. Now, she did it again! Sh**ting all over me, as if I was never a good person for her. Her behavior has started to make me feel worthless.

At first, it would seem that this person has a very weak personality. How sad. However, that is not the true story. This type of behavior is more self-serving than self-sacrificing. This type of behavior is generally about building a reputation through the flimsiest of means. This is sad because she cared about her reputation rather than her character.

Now allow me to look at the mirror for a second and have a dialogue with myself.

This is a point I’ve tried to drill myself many times: Your attempts to feel wonderful and important by having no boundaries or standards is self-serving and damaging. By the way, not holding people accountable for their actions doesn’t really help them. Repetitively saving their undeserving butt doesn’t mature them – but it does make you feel superior. And even reflex forgiveness at its worst does not suggest reissuing a “use me” proclamation – so don’t’ go touting forgiveness as your excuse. Please do note that along this route of self-congratulation, you willingly sacrifice the well-being and affection of those who really ought to count on you for support and protection. You are all too willing to sacrifice them for the “audience” in your mind, the folks at enough of a distance see you as a hero.

Oh yes, I was talking to myself back there. I should know better this time. As of today, I’m no longer in the business of fixing broken friends. God will fix their lives.

The Cinderella Syndrome

The story of Cinderella turns upon an invitation.

Up until the moment that the courier from the Palace arrives at her door, Cinderella’s life seems set in stone. She will always be a washerwoman, a cellar girl. Her enemies will forever have the upper hand. She will live a life of enduring disappointments, though she will suffer them nobly. No other life seems possible. This is her fate. Then, word from the Prince arrives – an invitation to a ball. It is at this point that all hell breaks loose. Her longings are awakened. Her enemies become enraged. And her life is never the same.

How gracious that it comes by invitation. As a woman, I realized, I don’t need to strive or arrange; I don’t need to make it happen. I only need to respond. Granted – Cinderella’s response took immense courage, courage that came only out of a deep desire to find the life her heart knew it was meant for. She wanted to go. But it took steadfastness to press through her fears just to get to the ball. It took courage not to abandon all hope even after she danced with the Prince. She ran back to the cellar, as we all do. But she became the woman she was born to be, and the kingdom was never the same. It is a beautiful fairytale.

How do you respond to your Lover’s invitation?

The invitations of our Prince come to us in all sorts of ways. Your heart itself, as a woman, is an invitation. An invitation delivered in the most intimate and personalized way. Your Lover has written something on your heart. It is a call to find a life of Romance and to protect that love affair as your most precious treasure. A call to cultivate the beauty you hold inside, and to unveil your beauty on behalf of others. And it is a call to adventure, to become the “help mate” the world desperately needs you to be.