My Mother or My Spouse – “In-Laws Are Out-Laws”

I think that now that I am older and married, I realized how at the beginning of my relationship with my (ex)husband, I would drop everything at the tone of my mother’s voice, or, if she would call. My husband would do the same with his parents. Now, the two of us realize that the only way that our marriage is going to work is if we make each other our #1 priority.

“When people are married, the parents have to step back, and the couple needs to step forward, away from their parents into their own space.”

Yes, indeed, but I can’t tell you how many stories I get from guys whose wives won’t move away from Mommy, won’t stop calling Mommy several times a day, won’t stop Mommy from just dropping in uninvited whenever she darn well pleases, and who won’t stop checking in with Mommy for an opinion on everything the couple is deciding. Now, obviously, this kind of woman is a very dependent personality, and any guy who picks her is looking for a cushy pillow instead of a partner. The mistake these guys make is in thinking that she will automatically change from her Mommy’s cushy pillow to his with a ceremony. Surprise!

This is no different when the guy is a “Momma’s Boy.” Women who pick these men actually want a guy who jumps through hoops at the mere mention, much less the sound, of a whistle. And they too think that the guy will take the whistle from Mommy and give it to Wifey. Wrong!

I’m now blessed with a husband whose Mom is thousands of miles away from where we live. I don’t get to deal with in-laws. But in the past, my first husband has always made it clear that his parents and siblings are more important in his life than I am. I have heard his parents say, ‘Blood is thicker than water,’ more times than I can count. I have also heard his Mom say, ‘We are family, everyone else is an outsider.’”

Your parents gave you life, but you shouldn’t allow them to see your priorities after you’ve ‘grown up.’”

People are often confused about their obligations to their parents compared with that to their spouse and children. Honoring your parents does not include dishonoring your vows or obligations in marriage. Honoring your parents does not mean that they get to, at their preference, make decisions in your life. It does mean that you must show respect and make sure they have the necessities of life – but it does not mean that you must sacrifice your family to do it.

Catering to the whims of a weak or demanding parent is clearly a perpetual motion machine and causes the direct destruction of your psyche and your marriage; it is a display of disrespect for your vows, commitments, and obligations to your spouse. Where there are serious needs, as with seriously ill or dying parent, those needs must be met with honor and compassion and compromise.
Neither spouse should put the other in charge of his or her own responsibilities to parents. Since each spouse is obligated to bring his or her healthiest self to a marriage, where there are clear problems with inappropriate attachment to the original family, mental health assistance should be used.