People Need to Work Harder at Marriage

One of the reasons I keep reminding people that “love is not enough” for a quality marriage is that emotions are labile, vulnerable, situational, unpredictable, and without an IQ. Commitment and respect for vows, promises, obligations, and tradition are much more worthy and predictable building blocks for a good relationship. You may get your “jollies” fantasizing about some movie star or neighbor, but nothing fills your heart with deeper affection (and perhaps passion) than watching the tenderness of your spouse with the children, having your spouse be compassionate and non-combative when you’re in a mood, or having your spouse be solicitous when you feel (and look) like garbage.

If you really think there is anyone who can sustain a happy, fulfilled state all the time, you’re wrong. You’re also wrong if you think there is some one person out there with whom you certainly would sustain a perpetual happy, fulfilled state. You’re also wrong if you think that the best of relationships don’t go through stages, and phases, and problems.

A stupid breakup occurred from my first marriage. I was “unhappy.” I’ve been used, physically and emotionally battered and despite my willingness to stay in that marriage, I was divorced because he wasn’t done "leeching" and womanizing. I encountered a good reminder on the web one day. “The Five Stages of Marriage” and they were: “Stage 1: Falling in love. Stage 2: Discovering the foibles, faults, etc. Stage 3: Deciding what to do about this new knowledge. Stage 4: (If you reach it) The hard work involved in getting through the realities of Stage 2. Stage 5: The glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.”

A light went on! Now I know that when the going got tough, I got going. WOW! What a revelation. The stupidity comes in when I consider the harm to my children and the pain I caused my ex-spouse. If I had known that relationships go through these stages, I think I would have been able to work through the problems. I’m back on the marriage train tracks again, so to speak, but I have become wiser and more patient in understanding what makes a marriage work. Alas, I know better how to keep my husband and children in check. I finally see the big picture. It's not about me, not about my spouse or children, but it's about having a solid relationship with God throughout the marriage.

I believe that millions of people would be able to work through their problems if they had that knowledge and support from their families, friends, and society at large. I will post an intriguing statement here for you to ponder: “Those who are married are happier, healthier, and wealthier.” Go figure.

In most cases, couples don’t try hard enough to stay together. They don’t talk about problems, try to identify the issues, or work them out. And they don’t take the time to remember what made them fall in love with each other.

I believe that most divorces are caused by materialism. In a way, our society is becoming corrupted by materialism. There is competition about having the best car, the biggest house, the nicest clothes – but no one seems to care about having the closest family, the most dinners together as a family, and ongoing friendships with family members. Though divorce has been used as the easy way out of the challenges of marriage and family, the three A’s – addiction, adultery, and abuse – justify divorce as a valid consideration. Quite honestly, I'm done putting up with these three A's and I thought of them as dragons to slay on a day to day basis. Finally, after battling out the quagmire of painful reality, I put these dragons to rest in peace!

A preponderance of divorced women are disgusted with what they put their children through. I’m not an exception to this demographic. I believe that parents should think more about their children than themselves and the world would be a better place. That means making your marriage work – and it does take work! When there are terrible problems, like the three A’s, it becomes a major challenge to consider whether or not to stay. When there is repentance (responsibility taken, true remorse, behaviors to repair and not repeat), there is hope. When there is no repentance, the hope is just postponed disappointment.

I think that people give up too easily on marriage when love, understanding, and forgiveness can help your partner remember what it was that caused them to commit to you in the first place. Giving up on a marriage without attempting to prove your love and worth is a stupid reason for a breakup. Each one must write "NO DIVORCE" on God's Solid Tablet and continue to live a life of truth, happiness and love.