Mine Enemy

I’ve often said on my blog that the person you marry should be the one person in all the world with whom you can share your deepest, innermost, uncomfortable, shameful past and problems. Instead, many marry treating their partners as the enemy, not the ally.

My husband and I both went into our marriage with very specific ideas about what our marriage was not going to be about. So our ideas consisted of this: I refused to ever be run by a man again, and he swore no woman would ever control his life again.

This is hindsight, of course, we had no idea this was the case when we said, “I do.” We began to keep secrets from each other. It basically boiled down to one underlying problem. He didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust him. We both saw the other as the enemy.

To make the long story short, I began to read my Bible, and things concerning marriage began to pop out all over the place. I realized that being my husband’s helpmate did not mean that I had to become a meek, trod-upon waif. Instead, I could stay the strong woman that I was and still prefer my husband over myself. Once I began to trust my husband not to run over me, and I understood that I wasn’t going to become a doormat, he responded in kind. I started trusting him with my life instead of being in complete control. Amazingly, the same thing happened to him as he began to trust me with his life.”

Where this revelation and metamorphosis does not take place, there is either all-out war, unilateral surrender, or an uncomfortable détente. The latter is a state in which nothing is shared because sharing is evidence of a loss of control.

Because of family wars, dating wars, and inner wars, the end is too often the tragedy of not being able to connect with comfort, with trust.

Change is possible. The first change must be in ourselves, in our attitude, and perspective, and reactions, and that trust is a decision – one without a guarantee, and that’s what makes change a brave thing to do. These acts of supreme risk give us the most potential return.

Power struggles may leave you “on top,” but they also basically leave you alone. There is no real intimacy where power and control are exercised. While it is true that bad experiences with violent or untrustworthy or philandering partners can leave you armed- for-bear-in-making-sure-this-doesn’t-happen-to-you-again, it is also true that shooting before you see the whites of their eyes (or black of their hearts) leaves your relationship dead.