Thoughts About Insecurities: Diary of Eve Series

Dear Diary,

It’s been six months since we left Eden. I wish we could put this all behind us. Adam still blames me for the whole mess. I know I shouldn’t have listened to the Serpent. But Adam was right there with me. Why didn’t he do something? And it’s not like he didn’t eat the fruit, too.

At the time, I honestly didn’t think it was a such a big deal. Now, I have this overwhelming sense of guilt – how could I have done this to God after all he had done for us? Will we ever be able to have the same kind of relationship we used to have? Whenever I try to talk to Him, I feel like there is this great big wall between us.

One thing I hadn’t counted on was how totally unnatural it would be to obey God once I ate that fruit. For example…until that day, whenever I got hungry, I would eat; when I was full, I stopped. Now I have this constant craving for food – once I start eating, I can’t stop, even when I knew I should.

That’s not the only area where I get out of control; my tongue gets me in so much trouble, especially on days like yesterday – it was that time of the month, and I wasn’t feeling well. I found myself snapping at Adam about every little thing. I hate it when I act this way. I don’t like being moody and uptight. But sometimes I feel like I just can’t help myself.

Thoughts of a Woman: Diary of Eve Series

Dear Diary,

These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. I really wish there were someone I could talk to. Adam and I haven’t exactly been on the best of terms since we had to move. I don’t know if he’ll ever trust me again. In a way, I can’t blame him. I’ve really wrecked his life. I feel so stupid. Adam just doesn’t understand the effect that Serpent had on me. He was so irresistible – I felt like I couldn’t help myself.

I keep reliving that moment when I first looked down and realized I was naked. Then I glanced over at Adam and realized he was thinking the same thing. For the first time since we met, I couldn’t look him in the eyes. We had never before felt awkward around each other. Now we feel that way a lot of the time. Even though God gave us real clothes to replace those useless fig leaves, I still feel so…exposed – not just on the outside, but even more, on the inside.

I never used to think about how I looked to Adam. I always knew that he loved me and thought I was the most beautiful thing God had ever made. Now I find myself wondering if he really loves me and finds me attractive. Does he wish God hadn’t given me to him?

Thoughts About God: Diary of Eve Series

Dear Diary,

I am so confused. Yesterday morning, I was so sure about a lot of things. Now I don’t know who – or what – to believe. I’ve never had reason to doubt that God loved me. I had a thousand reasons to believe He was good. I never wondered if He was telling us the truth. I trusted Him. I believed what He said.

Now, for some reason, He doesn’t seem like the same God who walked and talked and sang with us every morning. If he is so good, why didn’t He stop me from talking to the Serpent or eating the fruit? Why did He make the fruit look so good? Why did He put that tree there, anyway? And why did He care if we ate that fruit?

He seems so far away. I’m afraid of Him. He said we would die if we ate from that tree. That seems like an awfully harsh punishment – hardly seems fair – especially for a first offense. Today, He told us to leave Eden. Why couldn’t He have given us a second chance? Does He really care what happens to us?

This whole thing is such a mess. Can’t God do something?

Prologue: Diary of Eve Series

Dear Diary,

My head is spinning. I hardly know where to start. The day started out so perfectly – like every other day we’ve ever had. As we always do, Adam and I got up early to take a walk with God. Those walks have always been the highlight of our day.

This morning, no one said anything for a while. We just enjoyed being together. Then God started singing. It was a love song. When He got to the chorus, we started to sing with Him – first, Adam’s deep voice, then I joined in. We sang and sang and sang – songs about love and stars and joy and God. Finally, we all sat down under a big shade tree near the middle of the Garden. We thanked God for being so good; we told Him all we wanted to do was to make Him happy and to find our happiness in Him. It was such a sweet time – it always was when the three of us were together.

I don’t know how to explain what happened next. All of a sudden, we heard a voice we’d never heard before. I turned and there, looking right at me, was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. He talked directly to me. He made me feel important, and I found myself wanting to hear what he had to say.

I’m not sure what happened to God at this point. It wasn’t like He left us. I think I just kind of forgot He was there. In fact, for a while, I forgot Adam was there. I felt as if I were alone with this dazzling, mysterious creature.

The conversation that followed is indelibly etched in my mind. He asked me questions – questions I’d never thought about before. Then he offered me some things I had never had before – things I’d never thought I needed. Independence – from God and from Adam. Position – I had always looked up to God and Adam; this creature said they would look up to me. Knowledge – of mysteries known only to God. Permission – to eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the Garden.

First, I just listened and looked. In my heart, I pondered, I questioned, I debated. Adam had reminded me many times that God had said we must not eat the fruit from that tree. The creature kept looking into my eyes and talking in that soothing voice. I found myself believing him. It felt so right. Finally, I surrendered. I reached out – cautiously at first, then more boldly. I took. I ate. I handed it to Adam. He ate. We ate together – first me, then him.

Those next moments are a blur. Sensations deep down inside that I’ve never had before. New Awareness – like I know a secret I’m not supposed to know. Elation and Depression – at the same time. Liberation. Prison. Rising. Falling. Confident. Afraid. Ashamed. Dirty. Hiding – I can’t let Him see me like this.

Alone. So very alone. Lost. Deceived.

My Soul Sister, My Friend

The capacity of a woman’s heart for meaningful relationship is vast. There is no way your husband or your children can ever provide the intimacy and relational satisfaction you need. A woman must have women friends.

It is here, in the realm of relationship, that women receive the most joy and the profoundest sorrows. The friendships of women inhabit a terrain of great mystery. Friendships endure testing and trial; they deepen and they last. The men in the lives of these women may leave, but their girlfriends do not. There is a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion, and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here, in this holy place, that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good. It is here that she can mother, nurture, encourage, and call forth Life.

Little girls have best friends. Grown women long for them. To have a woman friend is to relax into another soul and be welcomed in all that you are and all that you are not. To know that as a woman, you are not alone. Friendships between women provide a safe place to share in the experiences of life as a woman. Who but another woman can fully understand PAP smears and mammograms, PMS, the longing to bear a child, aging, gaining weight, and living in a world run by men? It is a great gift to know that you see as another sees, an immense pleasure to be understood, to enjoy the easy companionship of one you can let your guard down with.

Here’s my take on friendship. Friendship is a great gift. One to be prayed for and not taken for granted. If you do not have the kind of friendship you long for, ask God to bring it into your life, to give you eyes to recognize it when he does. When God gives a friend, He is entrusting us with the care of another’s heart. It is a chance to mother and to sister someone besides your family, to be a Life giver, to help someone else become the woman she was created to be, to walk alongside her and call her deep heart forth.

Friendships need to be nurtured and guarded and fought for. We need to call one another without waiting to be called first. We need to ask how our friends are doing and really listen to their answers. Listen between the lines. We love our friends by pursuing them – calls, little presents, cards, invitations to FB, to go for a walk, to go to a movie or eat out. We offer our hearts.

I guess your BFFs or girlfriends would like little presents, but what they really like best is the gift of time – the most treasured of all commodities. We need to pay attention to each other, really see one another. That truly is the greatest gift.