A Message for Women

The wounds that we received as young girls did not come alone. They brought messages with them, messages that stuck at the core of our hearts, right in the place of our “psyche.” Our wounds strike at the core of our femininity. The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result. As children, we didn’t have the faculties to process and sort through what was happening to us. Our parents were godlike. We believed them to be right. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us – the problem was with us.

Women are always looking for something to work on. Prayer, exercise, financial responsibility, a new hair color, more discipline. Why are we trying so hard? Don’t we know how amazing we are? Sometimes, what makes our search so frustrating is that we don’t know what is wrong with us. We simply fear that somehow we are not enough.

Many women feel that way, by the way. We can’t put words to it, but down deep we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. If we were the princess, then our prince would have come. If we were the daughter of a king, he would have fought for us. We can’t help but believe that if we were different, if we were better, then we would have been loved as we longed to be. It must be us.

Some women who were abused choose another path. Or, perhaps more honestly, they find themselves compulsively heading in another direction. They never received love, but they did experience some sort of intimacy through that abuse, and now they give themselves over to one man after another, hoping to somehow heal the wrongful encounters.

The vows we make as children are very understandable – and very, very damaging. They shut our hearts down. They are essentially a deep-seated agreement with the messages of our wounds. They act as an agreement with the verdict on us. “Fine. If that’s how it is, then that’s how it is. I’ll live my life in the following way…”

It’s taken a lot of years for me to sort through the wounds and messages that shaped my life. It’s been a journey for growing clarity, understanding, and healing. Year 2001 made me realize more clearly what the message of my wounds has been. That was the year of my divorce. The message that landed in my heart was that I was overwhelmed. My presence alone caused sorrow and pain for others. I got the message, “You don’t have a beauty that captivates me. You are a disappointment.”

And so, I made a vow in 2002. Somewhere in my heart, without even knowing I was doing it or putting words to it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention. My job in the world was to be invisible, to cause no waves. If I upset things at all, surely this ship would sink. So I began to hide. I hid my needs, my desires, my very heart. I hid my true self. And when it was all too much, I hid in that proverbial closet.

Fast forward to 2006, I married a strong and forthright husband who is not afraid of confrontation (he welcomes it even). When I felt to run and hide, he would come looking for me.

I was embarrassed by my immature behavior, felt foolish about my seeming inability to talk maturely through a disagreement. But I had never seen it done, and I didn’t know how, so my husband’s slightest disappointment in something I had done triggered my unhealed heart. It took four years for Kenji’s love and reassurance to begin to penetrate my frightened heart. I still remember the first time we were in the middle of a “disagreement,” and I was able to stay with him in the room. It took all of my will to keep one foot in the room while the other straddled the doorway of the bathroom, ready to retreat into contrived safety. It was a turning point. I’ve never hidden in that way again.

I did, however, begin to put on weight faster than you would think humanly possible. Unconsciously, I had found a new way to hide. I feared from the start of my marriage that at my core I was – and would always be – a disappointment to Kenji; that it was simply a matter of time before he realized it. The wounded little girl inside thought it would be better to hide. And my hiding, like everyone else’s hiding, made things much, much worse.

Fast forward to the last month of 2010, I am now changed! Again, Kenji has sought me, but this time in a quiet way. My husband prayed for me (and he is still praying for me). God heard his prayer – finally, I have come around. I thank God for my husband’s love, loyalty, determination, dedication, pureness of heart and trust. As Jesus said, she who seeks to save her life will lose it (Matt. 16.25). The vows we make and the things we do as a result of our wounds only make matters worse. I am happy and content today. If not for the protection of God, through my husband’s unconditional love, I’d probably still wonder what message is out there for me.

May we all have a godly and blessed year ahead!

I Have a Great Life

I have a great life. It's the best life. It was chosen by myself. Others may seem like they have amazing lives, but mine is really the best and most adequate one for me. I just have to live it proudly, and enjoy each experience, trying to learn from it.

The universe doesn't just plan 1 path. It plans multiple paths, so whichever choices you make in your life (''Take the bus or walk? Or maybe catch a cab?''), there'll be plenty of enriching experiences.

My life is a great life. If someone wants to partake in it, then good for them. But either way I'm still going to continue having a great life.

I'm worthy of love. And I AM LOVED. God and the angels love me unconditionally. And other people are just different reflections of me. I, like them, deserve to be loved.

Other people and me are parts of a whole, the same whole. Therefore, their happiness is also my happiness. When I make people happy, I am making myself happy.

Sometimes we learn from bad experiences. The perfect life does not have only joy. The balance between joy/euphoria/happiness, which keeps me motivated and positive, and emptiness, which helps me grow, is what makes each of our lives an amazing life.

The world is beautiful. Be it summer or winter, the world is amazing. Natural landscapes can be beautiful (from plains, to mountains, lakes, oceans, forests or swamps), but man-made landscapes (cities, villages...) are also incredible. Every landscape is worth looking at. The rain falling, moving clouds, the lights of the city, the stars, the moon, the movement of people and cars, wind shaking the leaves of trees... A different place is a different experience. And even the same place is always different, or feels different on different moments.

Each people I come across interact with my energy. Each person has their own special shine, and I am no exception. I must let my light shine through, instead of being scared of it. If I have a positive mindset, am confident in myself, respect others, and don't let the little tests the universe throws at me put me down, I will attract very good things, and make any environment I partake in much better for me AND for others.

Like stars have their own consciousness, I too have the potential to burn bright and warm like a little star. My own little star. With my own kind of light, and my own kind of gravity.

People Need to Work Harder at Marriage

One of the reasons I keep reminding people that “love is not enough” for a quality marriage is that emotions are labile, vulnerable, situational, unpredictable, and without an IQ. Commitment and respect for vows, promises, obligations, and tradition are much more worthy and predictable building blocks for a good relationship. You may get your “jollies” fantasizing about some movie star or neighbor, but nothing fills your heart with deeper affection (and perhaps passion) than watching the tenderness of your spouse with the children, having your spouse be compassionate and non-combative when you’re in a mood, or having your spouse be solicitous when you feel (and look) like garbage.

If you really think there is anyone who can sustain a happy, fulfilled state all the time, you’re wrong. You’re also wrong if you think there is some one person out there with whom you certainly would sustain a perpetual happy, fulfilled state. You’re also wrong if you think that the best of relationships don’t go through stages, and phases, and problems.

A stupid breakup occurred from my first marriage. I was “unhappy.” I’ve been used, physically and emotionally battered and despite my willingness to stay in that marriage, I was divorced because he wasn’t done "leeching" and womanizing. I encountered a good reminder on the web one day. “The Five Stages of Marriage” and they were: “Stage 1: Falling in love. Stage 2: Discovering the foibles, faults, etc. Stage 3: Deciding what to do about this new knowledge. Stage 4: (If you reach it) The hard work involved in getting through the realities of Stage 2. Stage 5: The glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.”

A light went on! Now I know that when the going got tough, I got going. WOW! What a revelation. The stupidity comes in when I consider the harm to my children and the pain I caused my ex-spouse. If I had known that relationships go through these stages, I think I would have been able to work through the problems. I’m back on the marriage train tracks again, so to speak, but I have become wiser and more patient in understanding what makes a marriage work. Alas, I know better how to keep my husband and children in check. I finally see the big picture. It's not about me, not about my spouse or children, but it's about having a solid relationship with God throughout the marriage.

I believe that millions of people would be able to work through their problems if they had that knowledge and support from their families, friends, and society at large. I will post an intriguing statement here for you to ponder: “Those who are married are happier, healthier, and wealthier.” Go figure.

In most cases, couples don’t try hard enough to stay together. They don’t talk about problems, try to identify the issues, or work them out. And they don’t take the time to remember what made them fall in love with each other.

I believe that most divorces are caused by materialism. In a way, our society is becoming corrupted by materialism. There is competition about having the best car, the biggest house, the nicest clothes – but no one seems to care about having the closest family, the most dinners together as a family, and ongoing friendships with family members. Though divorce has been used as the easy way out of the challenges of marriage and family, the three A’s – addiction, adultery, and abuse – justify divorce as a valid consideration. Quite honestly, I'm done putting up with these three A's and I thought of them as dragons to slay on a day to day basis. Finally, after battling out the quagmire of painful reality, I put these dragons to rest in peace!

A preponderance of divorced women are disgusted with what they put their children through. I’m not an exception to this demographic. I believe that parents should think more about their children than themselves and the world would be a better place. That means making your marriage work – and it does take work! When there are terrible problems, like the three A’s, it becomes a major challenge to consider whether or not to stay. When there is repentance (responsibility taken, true remorse, behaviors to repair and not repeat), there is hope. When there is no repentance, the hope is just postponed disappointment.

I think that people give up too easily on marriage when love, understanding, and forgiveness can help your partner remember what it was that caused them to commit to you in the first place. Giving up on a marriage without attempting to prove your love and worth is a stupid reason for a breakup. Each one must write "NO DIVORCE" on God's Solid Tablet and continue to live a life of truth, happiness and love.

The Challenge of Teaching English

California welcomed Kristin with a sweet surprise of diversity and multicultural phenomenon. In the Fall of 2001, when she applied for a teaching position in Compton, the principal who was interviewing her at that time asked if she had experiences in teaching diverse, multicultural groups of students. The reply was short and sweet – yes! Surprised at the immediate response, the principal repeated the question as if the teacher did not totally comprehend what she said. Right in front of the administrator was a young, Asian-looking, petite individual who had an Asian-sounding surname. Perhaps the teacher’s physical appearance already suggested that she taught in an exclusive Asian educational setting somewhere outside the United States. Before the teacher could even assimilate what was taking place in the principal’s mind, she composed herself and patiently waited for the principal to utter something. Was this African American principal warning her of the challenges a newbie would face in the hood? Alas, seeing that the teacher was uncomfortable with burrowing questions, she then explained the current condition in the community. Hispanics overwhelmingly increased and is still increasing to this day, in the neighborhood that was once predominantly African-American. A rapid influx of Mexicans, Peruvians, Spanish, Salvadorians, Guatemalans, Puertoricans and Colombians was prevalent, creating a massive Hispanic-American domain on the Compton map and surrounding cities. Particularly in Compton, being bilingual was a plus factor. Speaking and understanding Spanish guaranteed a teaching job. A smile followed as a bright light of ideas filled the room. The teacher knew three languages other than English. She was comfortable around people of color. On a positive note, she was more than willing and ready to teach English Learners. As the teacher breathed a sigh of relief, she thought, “This is where I belong.”

Similar experiences could be seen in other cities, and even states, across the country, where there are eager and not-so-eager English Learners filling up almost every language minority seat in American classrooms. Since the dawn of the No Child Left Behind (NCLB) – a nationwide law that drew much controversy, numerous accounts of administrators labeled teachers as highly qualified or incompetent; students were sorted out as English Only, English Proficient, or Limited English Learners. In this mix were communities embracing multicultural disparities and socio-economic barriers – all these occur equivocally, seemingly ambiguous to the basic principles of the teaching-and-learning process. Perhaps this is a paradigm shift that law-makers and education administrators have imbibed unto their compatriots’ mindset ever since the Great Immigration came into being, thus creating a ripple effect toward either educational advancement or chaos. Depending on whatever direction it leads to, the known occurrence passes a bleak tunnel to more law-making tasks as lawsuits are made as an attempt to extinguish an existing law, e.g. anti-bilingual education Proposition 227. As seen in most known legal cases, the more diversified denominations of people are involved in the gamut of absurdities, the more invitations of doubts and challenging tasks remain in the minds and hands of everyone in the teaching-learning web. Typically, English Language Acquisition Programs are immediately considered, assessed, applied, tried-and-tested-like-iron and then recycled. Such an atrocious cycle indeed! In a span of a decade, it is almost impossible to stick with one method or style of teaching, for it seems that no one has found the perfect combination yet especially now that technological advancement and virtual social hubs are insisting its way in the education realm. Teaching and learning is a never-ending, bottomless process which is new every morning. Oftentimes, teachers wound up frustrated and confused even when graced with a buffet of outstanding teaching skills or endowed with knowledge of best teaching practices within multicultural dimensions. Unpacking and delivering the state’s content standards become cumbersome in a classroom where teachers choose between pacing the district’s curriculum versus genuinely involving themselves in the lives of their students. Incidentally, bringing these elements into one cohesive entity keeps educators and law-makers on their tipsy toes.

One absolute lesson learned is this: When a teacher genuinely commits to teach Standard American English to immigrants, almost often, one’s teaching expertise or the-lack-of-it are set aside while altruism is welcomed. A great heap of understanding is required, especially in knowing the emotional, academic and linguistic issues of non-native speakers of English. To witness successful learning environments, teachers of English Learners must be able to 1) prepare these environments with a variety of manipulatives and print-rich walls; 2) use structured academic instruction; 3) encroach differentiated instruction while exposing students to the state standards; 4) connect with parents and the community and the most important factor is to 5) keep tabs with the student – by paying close attention to their learning habits or characteristics, family backgrounds, socio-economic status, legal immigration status, parents’ capacity to work and coping mechanisms, learning styles and modalities, living conditions, and previous schooling experience. This list may go on and on but the challenge of teaching in Bilingual and ESL classrooms in America will never go away. English Language Development is here to stay.