Butterfly Effect | The Butterfly Effect

Butterfly Effect | The Butterfly Effect

No one like you has ever before been created - no one with your dreams, goals, visions, or purpose. This inspiring movie reminds us that when we live a life of permanent purpose, every thing we do in our lives matters. Then we can experience the joy and benefit of our purpose, both in our lives and in the lives of others.

There is Only Me!

Some of what makes people self-centered in relationships has to do with immaturity, lack of experience, poor role models, personality styles, habit, self-protection, and some combination of the above.

Being on my own for so long, I got very used to taking care of myself and if I was hurt or in any type of bind, no one else had to know about it and it really just wasn’t their business anyway. When I became engaged five years ago, this affected our relationship greatly because it took me a while to realize that I can’t become one with someone and still behave like the Lone Ranger. I had to share my thoughts, what I had, and very personal information. That wasn’t easy, but I have to thank God for a patient and tolerant man who is now my husband. He taught me a lot and helped me realize he was there to help, not hurt me, and I didn’t have to do everything on my own.

As many people who might have gone through decent therapy have learned, it is not unusual for them who have suffered to take it out on their spouses – a kind of “I suffered at the hand of another so now you owe me!” mentality.

Some folks grew up in a sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive homes. Most of the students I teach everyday have a rough home life. They, too, will become adults someday. While it is not unusual for people hurt as children to react in such a chaotic way, pushing away values and good people and good experiences out of unresolved historical anger, a fear of hurt or loss, or a discomfort with normalcy after so much chaos, the solution always is love, bonding, commitment, purpose. The solution always is getting back on the soul train someone threw you off.

That “pain” isn’t always from childhood, although those experiences do have an impact on how you handle challenges along the way. Some people have had terrible experiences, which they generalize to all relationships.

A friend of mine puts “pain” in this tune…

“I find that people find it easy to see the demons in others because they have not faced the demons within themselves.... it is easy to be judgmental and righteous because people think they are perfect.... it takes a lot of courage and humility to face our own demons and declare to the world that we have sinned...after we have done this, it takes character and faith to strive to be a better person... let's all stop pretending that there is someone in this world who have not sinned...I prefer to learn from my experiences, forgive others and forgive myself and strive to be the best I can be... we all learn from pain, from our experiences and from others as well, and yes I also choose to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned with others....”

I call this a case of “self-protectiveness” and oboy it is something real and happening in many people’s lives.

Self protectiveness is alienating and lonely. Somehow, the person has chosen risk over safety, and without risk there is no gain, and without gain there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no peace and safety that comes from being known and loved.

ASSumption vs. Communication

Some people are just too sensitive. Listen, I’m not sniffing my nose at sensitivity. Without it we all become concerned only with ourselves. It is sensitivity that tunes us in to others. When that sensitivity is turned on maximum, we sometimes become concerned only with ourselves. The surefire way to modulate that necessary sensitivity is through communication.

I still am ferociously amazed at how willing so many folks are to react, condemn, and annihilate, and how many of those same folks are absolutely struck dumb when it is suggested they actually check to make sure their reactions are warranted. “Don’t shoot ‘til you see the whites of their eyes,” could be translated into “Don’t shoot ‘til you hear it from their lips.”

One of the most significant dimensions of being an adult is to recognize that the world does not rotate around you or me or any one person as an axis. We are all on the spinning globe together. Everyone else has a life. Communication is the only means we have of bridging that natural gap. Without communication we only have assumptions. And you know what assumptions usually make of us? Check out the first three letters of the word assumption for the answer.

It is sad that miscommunication exists as a problem. It is ugly if there’s no direct communication at all. It is uglier and a serious problem when one person expects the other to mind-read and gets angry when he or she doesn’t even “know” the real deal.

Communication is the most important key to just about every interpersonal problem. Perception, that is, how a person uniquely sees and interprets an event or comment, can make or break a relationship or friendship. Perception is the twin of Assumption. Their powers are destructive.

Not all communication is done the “right way.” And not everything that comes out of your mouth, under the supposed banner of communication, ought to come out.

Here lies an important point: What are the limits of communication? The limit is when you get abusive, hurtful, nasty, sarcastic, cutting, threatening, and… well…you know from the experience of being on the receiving and giving end how that can go.

You need instead to communicate with information, praise, helpfulness, coming from a place of love, not from a place of selfishness or pettiness.

And while open, honest, and sensitive communication is a necessary antidote to building a mountain of resentments from a molehill of petty complaints, sometimes the river of frustration can’t be permanently dammed up.

There is an opportune time in one’s life to seek intervention. When our personality and behavior is destructive and repetitive, it is time for us to take some responsibility; not just because we’re driving someone else crazy, but because who needs to live each day with that constant trickle of paranoia? In fact, we have an obligation to bring our best selves to our relationships or friendships – that may require a diet, spiritual guidance, more baths, and psychotherapeutic treatment.

My psychological and counseling service is free to anyone who reads this blog.

Come and talk to me.

Communicate!